To really want a ONS?

[Ohshandy]

So, DH and I haven’t really been in a relationship for the past 8 months, he moved out 2 weeks ago and I am not going to lie I have found it really difficult and don’t really feel myself? Is this normal? I just feel really out of sorts

we have been together for 17 years and I went on a night out on Saturday and got super drunk, I o ow probably not wise but I got talking to a guy and although I chickened out, would it be good for me to have a one night stand?

I think I would feel guilty, we did have a little kiss and felt guilty after that so can’t imagine how a ONS would make me feel x

I wouldn't, personally. It doesn't sound like you're in the right head space.

Also, your husband only moved out two weeks ago. What happens if you have a ONS and then in a couple of months you and your husband decide you want to give your marriage another chance? Having had a ONS could ruin that.

Maybe you need to sit back and give yourself a bit more time to accept your marriage is over. It’s a huge thing, there’s no right or wrong way to go about this.

I am not against one night stands at all but i think they are best done when you're in an emotionally healthy place. They don't really work as a way to fill a void (excuse the innuendo lol). You can find yourself feeling worse afterwards, even without feelings for the other person. However, that's no guarantee that you wouldn't enjoy one now. You can't really know how you'll feel until you do it unfortunately. Also, I'd say the man gets more out of the average encounter physically than the woman.

I think you’re all probably right

After being in a relationship for 17 yrs, you no longer know "yourself" single, because you've been "yourself" co-habiting. You need to understand who you are first before you start to look to fill any voids (whether that be ONS, Relationships etc)

Take some time to heal/grieve the loss of your previous self/status and find who you are.

As mentioned above, the world is a very different place, don't ever lose your faculties that you depend on the kindness of others to keep you safe. Keep your self safe. Don't get blind drunk, don't go off with random strangers to their house/accomodation. Don't believe that the friendly handsome stranger in the pub is a really nice guy, he might not be.

its very very easy to get a ONS, so I’m not sure how it’d actually ‘ boost confidence’? Is it a sense of personal freedom / autonomy that is required? How could you get that in a more rewarding way? I’m not anti ONS, but I don’t think they’re therapy.

you say you feel a bit numb. Is that emotionally, sexually, or both? Impersonal sex can be emotionally numbing. Transient connections can be emotionally numbing. If you feel a bit numb, I’d be looking into self care, self love, self pleasuring, in a safe and nurturing way. You are your primary companion, and your connection with yourself is of primary import.

I can’t explain how I feel. Just a bit lost and confused and struggling adjusting to this new life.
worried about the kids even though I am sure they will be fine.

If a little kiss made you feel guilty I'm not sure shagging him is the right idea. I'm not anti ONS at all and am all for casual sex if it's what people want, but guilt and shame are not feelings that should ever be associated with these activities.

I understand your desire to shake things up but you have to look after yourself too.

Why do you need to have sex with a man to be yourself again? You need to get back to a place where you find yourself by yourself before putting yourself in a ONS situation.

Need to be a bit reckless? Go skydiving. Go on a solo holiday/retreat and do some walking and reflection. Go challenge yourself training for a 5K. Get your confidence from doing healthier things.

Bouncers have a bit of a reputation for shagging everything that moves. Don't let that put you off though - practice makes perfect!

Just be sure what you want and know that you are very vulnerable to falling head over heels with the first unsuitable man who shows you any interest. If you just want sex then have sex (with contraception and safety in mind). Definitely know getting drunk and waking up under the club bouncer in the morning and wondering what happened please!

Have a good shag I say.

Just make sure you’re safe

Even drunk I make rational decisions as I chickened out. Kind of regret it now 🤣

I've never had the best sex from a ONS, and alcohol was always involved, only happened a couple of times. Regret isn't what I feel, but I wouldn't have missed out in life if I hadn't bothered.
You are clearly not ready to try one yet, no judgement, it's fine down the line when ready if you still want to. Just the fact that you feel guilty after just a kiss is telling. What about that is causing guilt? If a kiss gives you turmoil, a ONS will really mess with your head currently.

There’s nothing wrong with ONS but you do need to make sure you’re in a good place mentally first and NOT mortal drunk as it’s not safe.

ONS can be great if you accept them and enjoy them for what they are, one of my best friends loves them, always has, she loves the thrill and the high! My other friend had one for the first time a few months ago after a break up and was absolutely sick with herself afterwards, felt awful, dirty and massively regretted it. It totally depends how you are feeling in yourself, how the person behaves etc. Don’t do it if you’re not certain.

For what its worth, skip the bouncers, they shag everyone and will have forgotten your name by the following weekend, my friend shagged the bouncer of a local bar a few weeks ago, we were there on Saturday night and she was in floods of tears as he didn’t even recognise her.

I asked him if that was the case and he said no 🤣 I am the first person he has taken a number from. I obviously don’t believe him but I kind of want him to forget me afterwards

There will be plenty of single guys happy to have no strings sex with you if you decide that is the point you are at in life right now. Why not have a think about it and decide what would make you most happy. Maybe you would like to find a regular friends with with benefits or a fuck buddy, who you can have a casual relationship with. Maybe you want lots of one off encounters. It's all out there!

Obviously be careful, work out how you can do it safely, both in terms of physical safety and your own emotional well being.

And be honest with any potential partners, as men do have feelings too (some men!) and you don't want to mislead anybody - if the bouncer guy mentioned dinner he is potentially actually looking to meet someone for a proper relationship, and that doesn't sound like that is going to be you at the moment.

Just take it at your own pace and look after yourself. Its perfectly normal for your feelings to be all over the place at the moment.

Good luck! It will get easier, I promise.

Go for it. It’s just sex.

Thank you so much xx

Dunno. They're a distant memory for me now, but I generally enjoyed them. Even if the sex wasn't always great, they were often a weird, intense way of getting to know someone in a very specific way for a short period.

I moved back to my home city after nearly 30 years away a few years ago, and one of the unexpected amusements has been being at the various 50ths of old friends and seeing someone come in and think 'I remember you! You lived in X Street and made me hot chocolate afterwards/bellowed like a bull in bed/had a bathroom full of Flann O'Brien novels!'

See how you feel in a few days. When you’re drunk and getting attention it’s easy to get carried away. You might be glad you didn’t go through with it by the end of the week, or you might decide you want to do it.

if it was me, and someone else has already touched on this. If I wanted to get back with my ex and I felt like there was a chance it could happen, I wouldn’t risk it over some bouncer.

You're looking in the wrong places to boost your self esteem. Don't look to random strangers to make yourself feel better or you could end up feeling much,much worse. Give yourself a bit of time, start to feel good about yourself again and then go have fun. Don't feel like you have to 'keep up' in any way with your ex. Just concentrate on yourself.

Fully agree. Go for it! Be reckless, have fun - just be safe xx

I just feel like I have been so sensible for 17 years, it would be nice to just go and have meaningless sex and never see them again. Wow that sounds awful 🤣

I'd do it - why not?! Just use protection and be safe