Looking for some advice or grounding to help me try to reflect on whether I am being insane/overreacting. My first Mumsnet post so sorry if I get it wrong.
I have a relatively good relationship with my parents: they didn’t raise me particularly well (lots of arguments, shouting, etc) but nothing shocking. Very middle class so behaviours that probably should have been checked (keeping us out at parties all night, leaving us unattended for weekends) went unchecked. They’ve been quite active grandparents in our son’s life since he was born with little to no problems. However, over the years their drinking has increased to a level that’s beyond reasonable and so we limit activity with them where there may be alcohol involved.
Our child is our only child, and my parents do childcare two days per week (pick up from school and give him dinner). He’s now 10.
Today our son told us that last month when he was at their house his grandparents both took him into a room and “shouted in his face” about the fact that he didn’t speak much at dinner (he was hungry and he was eating) and told him “if you want to be in this house you need to speak to guests” (they had relatives visiting). Whenever he tried to explain they told him to “shut up”.
He told us been upset for weeks but too scared to tell us because he’s worried how his grandparents will react. That would check out, as we’ve noticed him sensitive to a gentle telling off and overly apologetic/borderline frantic about mistakes.
I called them to talk about it, and they straight up denied the incident ever happened. I can’t figure out why our son would lie - he isn’t a liar and he is genuinely upset about the incident. After denying it, their response was “well if he doesn’t feel safe here he shouldn’t be here then”. I said great, we’re in agreement on that and I have left it at that.
They’re now trying frantically to get in touch with me. They’ve sent several texts, which confirmed they did indeed shout at him and “must have told him to shut up, but we don’t remember” but “the rest of the day was lovely so he can’t have been upset”.
I’ve confirmed that, for the moment, we no longer require them for childcare. My in-laws also live local and help out, so between them, DH and myself we can find a way to make school drop off and pick up work an extra two days a week.
Am I being unreasonable to cut contact? I feel like this is far far beyond the realm of normal grandparent behaviour and I am absolutely furious. Should DS express a desire to see them again I will of course make it happen, but only if they agree to strict rules (no drinking whilst he’s in their care, absolutely no shouting, etc).
Any advice or reassurance appreciated. My upbringing with them wasn’t the best and as a result I am an anxious people-pleaser who’s terrified I’ve overreacted.