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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... in asking if you have ever watched porn with DH/DP?

79 replies

Einhverdottir · 15/09/2024 17:12

I've done a NC for this post. My DP asked if I'd watch some with him.

I'm asking this question for women perspective. I know the title will attract a lot of the men readers, but not really interested in their replies.

YABU: I've never watched porn with DH/DP
YANBU: I've have watched porn with DH/DP

TLDR: In a new relationship with a nice man for 18 months. Exclusive. I really like him. Both divorced and no kids. Due to location, we had only gotten to see each other every 2nd weekend. But now we're both relocated to the same city. We both prefer to have our own places and spaces for now, no plans for anything more.

I've watch some porn in the past on my own, read erotica, etc. It is not something I need. I have the usual ethics concerns, but am sure I could find something. Also, working in cybersecurity area I'm somewhat paranoid about these things in general.

OP posts:
BabyOwlinthePlumeria · 15/09/2024 19:01

Anyonefortennistoday · 15/09/2024 18:56

Many "MNers" dislike porn for very valid reasons.
And we have every right to voice our opinion.

Show quote history

You're both right. I've seen porn that was disgusting, the women degraded and used and sorry I saw it. I've seen porn where the women are the driving force, usually couples porn, and that is a different thing altogether.

Angran1 · 15/09/2024 19:02

im a F in my 50,s in a loving relationship. this is the only relationship id say ive been comfortable to watch porm with my partner....if your comfortable and it can be part of enjoyment...or a laugh...wheres the harm ?....all the noo i wont do it comments from people.. you just have to give things a go once....life too short ! lighten up !!!

KendraTheVampyrSlayer · 15/09/2024 19:03

Angran1 · 15/09/2024 18:22

haha its a good, you shouldnt knock it till you try it ! .. .if your open minded can be a good addition to a relationship now and then

Show quote history

There's always one. 🙄

OneFastCat · 15/09/2024 19:04

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

KendraTheVampyrSlayer · 15/09/2024 19:07

Angran1 · 15/09/2024 19:02

im a F in my 50,s in a loving relationship. this is the only relationship id say ive been comfortable to watch porm with my partner....if your comfortable and it can be part of enjoyment...or a laugh...wheres the harm ?....all the noo i wont do it comments from people.. you just have to give things a go once....life too short ! lighten up !!!

Or 2.

Anyonefortennistoday · 15/09/2024 19:11

Angran1 · 15/09/2024 19:02

im a F in my 50,s in a loving relationship. this is the only relationship id say ive been comfortable to watch porm with my partner....if your comfortable and it can be part of enjoyment...or a laugh...wheres the harm ?....all the noo i wont do it comments from people.. you just have to give things a go once....life too short ! lighten up !!!

How can you say " lighten up"?
It's an industry based on exploitation, violence and abuse. The devastating effects on mental health and relationships of people who use porn are well known.
But you are presenting as a bit of fun? A laugh?
If you have such a loving relationship why are you and your partner not enough for each other? You need to have a laugh at other people being exploited so you can get some sort of sexual thrill?

Deargodletitgo · 15/09/2024 19:22

Yes,I've watched porn alone and with a partner, although I watch the amateur ones rather than the commercially produced stuff. I know what porn my DP likes, he's shared some of the videos.

BabyOwlinthePlumeria · 15/09/2024 19:23

Anyonefortennistoday · 15/09/2024 19:11

How can you say " lighten up"?
It's an industry based on exploitation, violence and abuse. The devastating effects on mental health and relationships of people who use porn are well known.
But you are presenting as a bit of fun? A laugh?
If you have such a loving relationship why are you and your partner not enough for each other? You need to have a laugh at other people being exploited so you can get some sort of sexual thrill?

Show quote history

So women are mindless, weak beasts here for the taking? None of them actually enjoy sex, enjoy men, or enjoy money? I'm so sick of women telling other women to be terrified of penises. "They're out to get you, its only a matter of time!" Yes a lot of young women are exploited, it's awful. But to paint everyone who does this as a victim is just untrue.

RufustheFactualReindeer · 15/09/2024 19:30

JennaZ · 15/09/2024 18:44

Most responses here will be people saying they wouldn't be with someone who watches porn. MNers despise porn and strip clubs because according to them absolutely no woman at all ever would choose to be in porn or be a stripper.

You are an MNer

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 15/09/2024 19:33

Most people don't "choose" to be cleaners or to work in Amazon wharehouses, or review reported videos on youtube (that's a really damaging job), or sewing clothes in sweatshops.

I don't see people on MN getting so worked out about these other shitty jobs, berating users of these services. But for some reason porn is the devil's work...

Branleuse · 15/09/2024 19:37

Years ago i used to like watching it with him, but i went off porn massively once I found out about the industry

OneFastCat · 15/09/2024 19:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Angran1 · 15/09/2024 19:40

Anyonefortennistoday · 15/09/2024 19:11

How can you say " lighten up"?
It's an industry based on exploitation, violence and abuse. The devastating effects on mental health and relationships of people who use porn are well known.
But you are presenting as a bit of fun? A laugh?
If you have such a loving relationship why are you and your partner not enough for each other? You need to have a laugh at other people being exploited so you can get some sort of sexual thrill?

Show quote history

we are enough for each other, however we are open minded...i.dont disagree there is some nasty stuff out there, that we chose to avoid

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 15/09/2024 19:42

To me, it’s the sign of someone who can’t perform well without it.
How’s the sex so far, OP? I’m wondering if, now that you’re going to be spending more time together, he needs to introduce his porn habit/need/crutch into your relationship in order to sustain the sexual side of things.

Anyonefortennistoday · 15/09/2024 19:44

BabyOwlinthePlumeria · 15/09/2024 19:23

So women are mindless, weak beasts here for the taking? None of them actually enjoy sex, enjoy men, or enjoy money? I'm so sick of women telling other women to be terrified of penises. "They're out to get you, its only a matter of time!" Yes a lot of young women are exploited, it's awful. But to paint everyone who does this as a victim is just untrue.

Show quote history

I would suggest that women who " get off" on porn, which is generally produced for the consumption of men, and overwhelming degrades women, have been conditioned to see porn as normal. Whereas it is in fact an aberration of human relationships.

But I am not telling anyone what to think.
I am presenting my own view.

The pro porn lobby never tires of deriding those who express a different view point from them.

whatsinmypockets · 15/09/2024 19:53

Einhverdottir · 15/09/2024 17:12

I've done a NC for this post. My DP asked if I'd watch some with him.

I'm asking this question for women perspective. I know the title will attract a lot of the men readers, but not really interested in their replies.

YABU: I've never watched porn with DH/DP
YANBU: I've have watched porn with DH/DP

TLDR: In a new relationship with a nice man for 18 months. Exclusive. I really like him. Both divorced and no kids. Due to location, we had only gotten to see each other every 2nd weekend. But now we're both relocated to the same city. We both prefer to have our own places and spaces for now, no plans for anything more.

I've watch some porn in the past on my own, read erotica, etc. It is not something I need. I have the usual ethics concerns, but am sure I could find something. Also, working in cybersecurity area I'm somewhat paranoid about these things in general.

To answer your actual question, OP, yes, I have.

It was never much of a 'thing' as we rapidly got far more interested in one another than what was going on on the screen, but the conversation around it (as in: what do we search for?) was also an unexpected insight into one another's turn-ons and pleasures.

Much like swinging (which we've also experimented with), the idea was far more sexy than the reality - but it brought us closer in ways we wouldn't have foreseen, and I'm not sure we'd have arrived at any other way.

BabyOwlinthePlumeria · 15/09/2024 19:54

Anyonefortennistoday · 15/09/2024 19:44

I would suggest that women who " get off" on porn, which is generally produced for the consumption of men, and overwhelming degrades women, have been conditioned to see porn as normal. Whereas it is in fact an aberration of human relationships.

But I am not telling anyone what to think.
I am presenting my own view.

The pro porn lobby never tires of deriding those who express a different view point from them.

Show quote history

I haven't watched porn in twenty years. I disagree with your stance that every woman is a victim is all

JennaZ · 15/09/2024 19:58

RufustheFactualReindeer · 15/09/2024 19:30

You are an MNer

Show quote history

Wow really? Yeah but I'm not like the rest of them on here when it comes to things like this, or baby showers, or wedding etiquette, or precious first borns, or any of the other mad shit they get their knickers in a twist about.

LostTheMarble · 15/09/2024 20:04

BabyOwlinthePlumeria · 15/09/2024 19:23

So women are mindless, weak beasts here for the taking? None of them actually enjoy sex, enjoy men, or enjoy money? I'm so sick of women telling other women to be terrified of penises. "They're out to get you, its only a matter of time!" Yes a lot of young women are exploited, it's awful. But to paint everyone who does this as a victim is just untrue.

Show quote history

Of course women enjoy sex, but this race to the bottom argument that it must mean x, y and z to disagree with porn is completely taking away from why the industry and those who partake in it is so awful.

Women can enjoy sex, they can enjoy filming it, they can enjoy the idea of others enjoying it. But the industry as a whole is horrendous, and convincing yourself you’re only dabbling in the good stuff doesn’t negate that. Again, there is a hugely dubious amount of consent, not just knowing if the people in the film are fully consenting but asking yourself if they would consent to you as an individual to get sexual gratification from it. The fact is even those who are willing to make these films have to disassociate from the idea of whoever is watching it, because if they had to face every person who asked permission to watch it, it would soon become evident how uncomfortable they would be to see exactly wants to get their rocks off to their films.

BabyOwlinthePlumeria · 15/09/2024 20:09

LostTheMarble · 15/09/2024 20:04

Of course women enjoy sex, but this race to the bottom argument that it must mean x, y and z to disagree with porn is completely taking away from why the industry and those who partake in it is so awful.

Women can enjoy sex, they can enjoy filming it, they can enjoy the idea of others enjoying it. But the industry as a whole is horrendous, and convincing yourself you’re only dabbling in the good stuff doesn’t negate that. Again, there is a hugely dubious amount of consent, not just knowing if the people in the film are fully consenting but asking yourself if they would consent to you as an individual to get sexual gratification from it. The fact is even those who are willing to make these films have to disassociate from the idea of whoever is watching it, because if they had to face every person who asked permission to watch it, it would soon become evident how uncomfortable they would be to see exactly wants to get their rocks off to their films.

Show quote history

Only Fans would beg to differ but I take your point

whatsinmypockets · 15/09/2024 20:17

The fact is even those who are willing to make these films have to disassociate from the idea of whoever is watching it, because if they had to face every person who asked permission to watch it, it would soon become evident how uncomfortable they would be to see exactly wants to get their rocks off to their films

Spoken with what authority, exactly?

Deargodletitgo · 15/09/2024 20:28

There's some very middle class middle aged people out there creating porn too, remember coming across a video (woman produced) where she was wanting a new kitchen and the sales man was over to give her the quote....and negotiated a discount 🤣 all in their 50s. Got to love someone finding a niche.

Icanttakethisanymore · 15/09/2024 20:31

Anyonefortennistoday · 15/09/2024 17:56

I have never watched porn at all. I wouldn't be in a relationship with anyone who watched porn. So this situation wouldn't arise.
I find it hard to imagine why any woman would want to sit there whilst her partner got aroused watching other females being exploited and abused and assaulted.

You’ve never been in a relationship with a man who has watched porn?

edit to add.., just realised you didn’t specify man… which might make more sense.

Didimum · 15/09/2024 20:36

No, we don’t need it.

BabyOwlinthePlumeria · 15/09/2024 20:47

Deargodletitgo · 15/09/2024 20:28

There's some very middle class middle aged people out there creating porn too, remember coming across a video (woman produced) where she was wanting a new kitchen and the sales man was over to give her the quote....and negotiated a discount 🤣 all in their 50s. Got to love someone finding a niche.

If I can video myself and dh doing the deed and get a new kitchen, sorry for your eyes but here we are