I don’t like my sister and I don’t care about her “mental health”

[Hoverfly1]

My sister is an alcoholic, she has lost her children because of it. She just sits in her filthy house all day drinking. She never makes any effort to deal with any of her problems, she denies that she drinks but she very much does, I think all day every day levels of alcoholism. I am sure that this is what the majority of her issues are caused by. She says she has bad anxiety and depression so can’t do anything for herself. She won’t even leave her house to go to the shop and will make out mum fetch anything she needs (my mum won’t buy her alcohol though and she clearly manages to get out the house for that).

She constantly phones me and my mum day and night about the most ridiculous things when she is drunk. Arguments she has had with her ex partner or things that have happened years ago, she once called me relentlessly in the middle of the night to tell me all her problems were my fault because I once pushed her off a swing when we were kids (I did do this when I was about 7).

If she doesn’t get enough attention from us because we are both busy (dm is 63 still works full time and my sisters children also live with her full time so she has a huge amount on her plate already, I am a single parent with a full time job) she will start sending us photos of self harm or threatening to kill herself, she has also harmed herself and phoned ambulances a lot in the past which means my mother will have to go and pick her up from hospital at all times of the night.

She once told me she had cancer and was going to die, which I never believed but she would message me about it every day telling me about the drs appointments she had been too. Once it became clear no one believed her she just deleted all the messages she’s sent about it and denied she had ever said it, then accused me of making things up and “gaslighting” her. she has also made up having dementia and pregnancies and miscarriages as well.

Todays she sent me a message first thing the morning implying she had been sexually assaulted. When I ignored it because I was driving she immediately followed it up with self harm photos. When i asked her where she was she said she had gone to stay with friends for a few days and been out drinking with them, despite the fact that she hasn’t bothered to walk down the street to see her own children for months because she of her “anxiety”. At that moment I just realised I don’t care anymore. I don’t like her as a person and I’m sick of being manipulated by her. I told her she was selfish and manipulative and asked her not to contact me again. I also suffer from depression and anxiety which I take medication for and I find the way she behaves very hard to deal with. I think this makes it harder for me to feel sorry for her though because I HAVE to deal with my problems there so no one to step in and help me if I don’t want to get out of bed one day. I can’t understand why she doesn’t want to help herself a little bit, I’m starting to thinks she actually likes living like this.

I know this makes me a bad person because she obviously does have issues but I honestly don’t want to ever see her or talk to her again I know other people will judge me for it, i also know she will have shared the message I sent to her with a lot of people who will think I’m being horrible, she will very likely harm herself in some way because of it I’m scared she will actually do something serious.

How are you supposed to deal with someone like this without making things worse for them!?

Do you speak from experience?

Yes.

So do I but from a very positive one!

I'm glad you've had a positive experience in that case, genuinely.

Does your sister have a diagnosis? I would research borderline personality disorder or CPTSD either of these or potentially both of these might apply. She is drinking as you know to cover whatever is causing these feelings, same applies to the self harm. I would really encourage her to seek urgent medical help. The lying is part of the disorder, unfortunately when people with this disorder tell the truth quite often those around them don't believe them. You are definitely not a bad person you have managed this a long time and both you and your mum have been present but you are at breaking point and potentially so is she. Good luck but medical/psychological intervention is needed.

I could have written a very similar post to the OP

My sister has BPD. Her kids in care. My parents give her everything - have even changed their will to ensure my sister gets their house, as she will never be a home owner otherwise. She has treat our parents, and our wider family like absolute shit since she was a teenager. My sister knows this and makes jokes that she will smoke their bungalow.

I have medicated anxiety and depression and have a serious progressive genetic illness that will kill me eventually - but i work full time. I have a mortgaged home with my Husband.

My sister is an awful person to be around and ill never have a relationship with her again. She's vindictive and jealous and has not managed to hold a single friend or any of her several marriages

My husband and i plan to move to the other side of the country and I wont be staying in contact with my sibling.

@Halloumiheaven I agree re Alanon I sat there for one session with my SIL and felt nothing but anger first as the stuff they were spouting made no sense, second I was angry that WE had to attend a support group while DB was happy at home pouring Stella down his neck. If it works for people that's great but I found it a miserable experience

I'm really sorry OP, I've had similar when my mum was alive. Call an ambulance every time she sends you self harm threats. If she needs it, help is coming. If it's manipulative, she'll learn to stop or be given help whether she chooses it or not (realistically mental health services in this country are pretty dire I've found, and my mum was always able to talk her way out of being sectioned despite desperately needing it)

Unfortunately I have the same with my brother. I can relate to all you write. He rings up talking gibberish and can't remember previous messages and chats so he repeats ALL the time.

I have no feelings left. He has wrung them out of me so I feel empty. Everyone else is to blame for him losing his partner, home and job. No responsibility or accountability.

I've often wondered about him killing himself but can only see that as a relief for him, not me. He's very troubled with life and no one can help until he wants change.

Look after yourself. When she actually wants you for change then you'll be in a better place.

I could start a thread on the cult of 12 step programmes, but I won't. They are unhealthy, I can't see many modern day people that it would work for. Al anon and AA are all part of the same religious dogma. Designed to keep users trapped and brainwashed- hence why there's no outward door or progression. I think it's extremely damaging for the self esteem of both addicts and those who are the loved ones of the addict

Agreed. The disease model of addiction is incredibly flawed.

Block her.
Look out for your life and your mental health.
I know it sounds harsh, but don't allow yourself to be dragged down by her addiction. Its not worth it.

I would actually be interested to read a thread on Al-Anon – although I also feel it would descend into chaos quite quickly...

I always resisted going to a meeting. But I won't get into all that now, not the place.

So sad to see that so many other people here have direct experience of what the OP describes. It really isn't uncommon.

You make her sister sound like an annoying car advert that keeps popping up when you’re trying to work. Mental health and families are complex and it’s not as easy as simply “blocking” your own sister. People get dealt many difficult hands in life, it’s not as simple as just “blocking” every single one.

OP it must be hell for you, I’m sorry. Now that I’ve read more posts it sounds like your sister wouldn’t accept help even if it was arranged for her? In that case, if it was me I’d write her a letter letting her know you still love her and when she’s ready to accept help you’ll be there but she has to be willing, otherwise there really is nothing you can do, and maybe until then you do need to take a bit of a step back. But tell her everytime she threatens suicide or similar you will call an ambulance to her house.

I have BPD - it gets a bad rep! Tbf I’ve never threatened suicide or sent pics of me self harming to my sister but I have told her at one time I wanted to die and I didn’t know how to help myself anymore. It wasn’t attention seeking or manipulation, it was how I felt. She organised an appointment with the MH team at my doctor’s and said she loved me and she was there if I wanted to talk. That was all I needed to know that she cared. People with BPD aren’t always “bad” people. It’s a disease, just like cancer is. And it can kill you, just like cancer can. But knowing that someone cares about you is incredibly important for someone with BPD. So showing that but at the same time making her understand that she has to be willing to get better will help her

Your Mother can have her declared medically incapable of making her own decisions and medically unstable, she can then be sectioned on a 28 day psychiatric hold. If they think your sister is a danger to herself, they will keep her sectioned. I think this is the best way forward. Only medical professionals can help her now, and even then she might relapse. It sounds like a Personality Disorder, Depression, Anxiety, some form of PTSD and trauma all exacerbated by alcohol. She drinks the alcohol so she doesn't have to think about the trauma and feel the depression. She sounds seriously sick to me and needs to be sectioned, before one of her cries for help/attention becomes a fatality.

@MustWeDoThis but does this actually happen? My mother wasn't sectioned even after a 'serious' attempt which put her in hospital for several days, despite being under mental health care.

It may sound like it to you.
But OP can either dedicate years of worry, effort, guilt, frustration and anxiety and ultimately end up being NC, as many of these cases often end up, or she can save herself the additional upset by going NC sooner rather than later.

Addiction doesnt tend to wreck just the one life. It also goes for those around it and sometimes you just have to save yourself.

I know this makes me a bad person.

No no no! Absolutely not. You've taken her calls, listened to her rants and probably tried to help a million times. You have done your best, please don't beat yourself up, if stepping away is the right thing to do for you and your family then do it.

Dealing with an alcoholic is so draining and very bad for your own mental health so you are within your rights to step away from her, my grandma was a severe alcoholic and she would often do similar things as your sister and in the end I had to stop seeing her and doing things for her as my mental health was suffering and I couldn't cope with her anymore

Protect yourself - you can take a horse to water out can’t force it to drink ‘

I have MH issues no alcohol though and deliberately back off / cut off when struggling (;more so now as dad’s health is bad )
I take meds and just about parent / hold down a job ! It’s tough at times though
but no one else can help so what’s the point in burdening them too

You both need to contact Al Anon which is for the families of those who have an alcohol problem. It is a family illness as it affects all of those involved with the drinker

al-anonuk.org.uk/

I used to be married to alcoholic and have family members with serious mental health issues and it is incredibly difficult. The saying is “it’s not your fault but it is your responsibility” around addiction and mental health - I do think alcoholism is an illness but as with any illness you have a choice whether or not to take action. You can’t do it for another person, that’s where you get into codependency and that helps no one.

my ex husband is mainly sober now but we could never have stayed together, it’s easier for his new partner to be supportive because she didn’t go through the worst of it - she says this herself, she can come in with a totally different perspective. It’s very damaging to relationships, all relationships.

This thread certainly received a lot of traction! It’s a sensitive topic to be sure. Let me start with this so you know where I’m coming from. I have family members struggling in active addiction with mental health issues as well. I also have personal lived experience with substance use disorder (in my past) and mental health challenges.

I don’t think you’re alone in feeling like a bad person. It’s difficult to set boundaries to keep yourself safe from family. You’re not bad for doing it though. It’s completely acceptable to safeguard yourself and your family from people that can suck the life right out of you. Typically, people don’t want to be like this, don’t want to live like this. They’re hurting and don’t know how to make it better or how to appropriately ask for help because they don’t necessarily know what they need either. It is a miserable place to be. And unfortunately it affects all parties involved.

Some of the folks gave great advice encouraging you to let your sister know you love her and you’ll be there for her when she’s ready to get help it…or at the very least, help her access resources to get the help she desperately needs. If you’re not able to do that…that’s ok too. But remember, regardless of all the awful shit she’s done and poor choices she’s made, she’s still a human and deserves a modicum of empathy and compassion. So if you need to cut ties with her, try doing so without harming her or yourself anymore than what’s already been done. Be mindful of your words. Once they’re out there you can’t take them back.

We don’t know your story and we don’t know your sister’s. We’re just going off of a tiny snippet of your feelings/situation when you posted. Ultimately, you know what is right for you and your family. And hopefully, you know that you’re important and need to take care of yourself and those you are responsible for. If you choose to cut ties with your sister, I would encourage you to do it with love, kindness and compassion.

Finding some people you can commune with that have similar lived experience can be very helpful. I encourage you to find some support from people that understand what you’re going through. It’s very powerful and healing. It doesn’t have to be Alanon or anything like that. There are tons of other supports out there, you just have to find your place/people.

Best wishes to you, your mum, sister and rest of your family. Hugs and positive energy.

You are not a bad person @Hoverfly1, you are exhausted. Addiction is a horrible disease that can bring out the most manipulative, worst parts of people at times, and if she has a personality disorder as well she is obviously deeply unwell in a way that has severe effects on the people around her.
I have only read your replies so sorry if this has been discussed, and I would never normally recommend this, but have you or your mum considered reaching out either to the police or her GP/CPN and discussing whether she should be receiving inpatient care due to the self harm and threats to take her life? Having somebody sectioned is obviously a horrible thing and as I say I wouldn’t normally suggest it but if she is self harming and sending you pictures of it she is obviously very self destructive and a significant risk to herself.
At least if you have notified the GP surgery they will know what sort of state she is in currently as she may be downplaying it to them or just not complying with treatment, as you say.
I truly hope you, your mum and the kids can find some peace. If that means not allowing your sister access to your lives for a while, that is a completely valid choice to make for your own safety and wellbeing x

Look after yourself and your mum. Let your sister get on with it. You've both done more than enough to try and help her. Last thing you and your mum need is ending up really ill yourselves. You'll get peace of mind to. Myself and parents bailed my brother out for years as he was a compulsive gambler. I know it's not the same but he got married and both him and his wife treated my parents abominably. She blamed my mum for his gambling!! I cut them out my life completely and glad I did. They tell everyone I'm the horrible person but I know the truth and don't give a hoot what anyone else thinks. I have peace and can sleep at night. If anyone mentions them to me, I put my hand up and stop them and tell them I'm not interested. Then I walk away. Best thing I've ever done was cutting them out my life.

"Who cares what mentally ill addicts think"? Please don't ever go for a job in the caring professions, or any job that involves interacting with the public for that matter.