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AIBU?

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Original poster

How to accept I will simply never get along with in laws?

56 replies

Lovelyautumnwalks · 15/09/2024 09:51

I'll try to keep this from being too long.

I have tried for 10 years with pil but it's got to the point that I'm too old and too tired for their bs.

Just a few small few examples from over the years.

Ringing us up at 7-8am every single weekend Saturday and Sunday to come over. Ringing over and over and texting if we didn't answer. Then turning up and commenting if we were still in pyjamas or if the house wasn't up to their standards. Mil walking into my bedroom when I was getting dressed or feeling unwell.

Interfering and criticising everything we did with the dc. Commenting on absolutely everything and comparing to how they did it. Questioning, refusing to believe in things like allergies. Ridiculing us for using stair gates. Stuff like that.

On the few occasions they looked after the children when they were small being outright dangerous. I walked in once to my two year old on a high kitchen stool alone with boiling pans simmering on the hob and no adult in the room.

Criticising everything we do from where we go on holiday to how we've decorated the house just nitpicking constantly.
Rude comments over the years about my appearance, my job, my family.

Honestly I could go on for pages and pages. Dh has been very weak in dealing with them on anything and has now just taken to avoiding them altogether.

It's got to the point that we hardly see them because Dh would rather avoid them than ask them to stop picking on us. It's very uncomfortable when we do see them, fil seems to try to get all of his criticising done in a short space of time then sort of huffs off.

Nothing is ever going to change but how do you deal with this kind of situation?

OP posts:
Smittenkitchen · 15/09/2024 09:53

Just awful! Absolutely minimum contact, I'd say. I imagine your DH has grown up with such treatment so it feels impossible for him to challenge.

Makelikeatreeandleaf · 15/09/2024 09:53

I suspect I'd end up having the mother of all arguments with the weak creature I was married to. He needs to sort this out and clearly should have a long time ago.

Cupooee · 15/09/2024 09:54

Why haven't you blocked them?
Stop any contact and refuse to see them at all or have them near your home.
Tell your husband you never want to see or hear about them again.
Stick to it.
This is what happens when you marry a weak man from an awful family.

No wonder single women are so much happier than putting up with this bullshit.

Stop engaging at all.
It can be done.

cerebuswannabe · 15/09/2024 09:56

Your husband is spineless and I'm surprised it hasn't made you look at him in a different light.

BeeCucumber · 15/09/2024 10:00

Turn your phones off at the weekend or block them. Keep your doors locked. If you do have to see them - tell them to STFU. That should cause a rift. Have a good look at the person you married - do you want this relationship to go on?

Original poster
Lovelyautumnwalks · 15/09/2024 10:01

I agree that it's largely dhs fault for not dealing with them.

Tbh the red flags were there early on with the way they treated dh and him allowing it, but I probably chose to ignore it. Fil is a bossy, overbearing, arrogant, controlling man who for always just got his own way on everything.

Dh and I did argue about it a lot. Dh would say he hadn't heard or noticed things or tell me it's 'just the way they are' and to ignore.

We are at a point now where we just avoid them 99% of the time.

OP posts:
Spenditlikebeckham · 15/09/2024 10:02

Block them. Ring doorbell and don't answer.. We have been nc with ils for over 9 years for a lot less..

Original poster
Lovelyautumnwalks · 15/09/2024 10:04

It has made me lose respect for dh, but we had been together for 17 years. The problems really started 10 years ago when we had dc.

We only ever argue about pil.

OP posts:
Ljcrow · 15/09/2024 10:05

They sound shocking. Your kids are your priority, you are not being unreasonable.

NuffSaidSam · 15/09/2024 10:06

Ignore them as much as possible.

When that isn't possible be clear and firm e.g. answer the phone and say "we don't want to see you this weekend". If they come over, don't answer the door and tell "we don't want to see you this weekend".

Catza · 15/09/2024 10:06

It's been going on for 10 years and is a well engrained behaviour that is not going to change now no matter how much you challenge it. The ship has sailed. I think minimal contact is best.

Mummyratbag · 15/09/2024 10:08

I would go against the grain here and say that your husband has suffered abuse at their hands all his life and either thinks it's normal or has been conditioned to accept it.

You (and he) have every right to go low or no contact, but I don't necessarily see it as a weakness in your husband, he's endured this longer than you and as a child when he had no choice but to put up and shut up.

Ljcrow · 15/09/2024 10:09

Spenditlikebeckham · 15/09/2024 10:02

Block them. Ring doorbell and don't answer.. We have been nc with ils for over 9 years for a lot less..

What was your reason? If you don't mind saying. We're so very close to going no contact with pil. Long story. Only thing that's stopped us doing so sooner is young daughter losing that set of grandparents.

Original poster
Lovelyautumnwalks · 15/09/2024 10:10

Catza · 15/09/2024 10:06

It's been going on for 10 years and is a well engrained behaviour that is not going to change now no matter how much you challenge it. The ship has sailed. I think minimal contact is best.

This is the stage we are at.

We just avoid them 99% of the time.

The problem is because they don't really know why we avoid them, on the occasions that we do see them it's very awkward and the behaviour and nitpicking are as bad as ever.

Without dh telling them which it doesn't seem he ever will. I can't see another way out of it all?

OP posts:
ThisKookyBlueSnake · 15/09/2024 10:14

Yes tell them that their behaviour isn't acceptable and stand up for yourself. I'm surprised you haven't told them to fuck off yet.

Catza · 15/09/2024 10:16

Lovelyautumnwalks · 15/09/2024 10:10

This is the stage we are at.

We just avoid them 99% of the time.

The problem is because they don't really know why we avoid them, on the occasions that we do see them it's very awkward and the behaviour and nitpicking are as bad as ever.

Without dh telling them which it doesn't seem he ever will. I can't see another way out of it all?

Show quote history

Why don't you tell them? It doesn't have to be confrontational but I don't see why this is automatically only your husband's responsibility.
"I would appreciate it if you stopped negatively commenting on our house", "I don't like it when you walk into my bedroom. Please stop" are all reasonable things to say even if you are not related to the person.

JassyRadlett · 15/09/2024 10:17

Lovelyautumnwalks · 15/09/2024 10:10

This is the stage we are at.

We just avoid them 99% of the time.

The problem is because they don't really know why we avoid them, on the occasions that we do see them it's very awkward and the behaviour and nitpicking are as bad as ever.

Without dh telling them which it doesn't seem he ever will. I can't see another way out of it all?

Show quote history

How would your DH react if you were breezy and direct with FIL? When he's being mega critical, you just don't react until he winds down and then ask if he feels better for having got all that off his chest? When he's making a repeated criticism, just reply "yes, I know, you've told us that before." Or when it's little nitpicks just "ah, that doesn't really bother us/we've decided to prioritise other things/we're happy with our choices on that one."

And do they have to come to your house at all - I'd keep them to their own turf/neutral territory to try keep your boundaries in place.

greenrollneck · 15/09/2024 10:20

I'm totally NC with my PIL my DH still talks to them but very similar situation they would just turn up, etc.

It's a relief to just rip off that sticky plaster and go totally NC.

You are in limbo right now so a conversation does need to be had.

Your DH has had to be raised by these vile people so he's going to be damaged and have very little voice, I'd suggest he gets some support and works though this to build his confidence but maybe in the meantime you could have the hard conversation them and say enough is enough.

I suspect your DH is waiting for you to take the lead, and get them out of his life.

Original poster
Lovelyautumnwalks · 15/09/2024 10:21

@Catza I have lots of times. I will say things like "well we like it like this". Or "well we are following the doctors advice", or "we know what we are doing". It hasn't made any different. Fil always has to have the last say no matter what. Then I just want to tell him to fuck off and leave but I don't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovelyautumnwalks · 15/09/2024 10:24

So if I correct fil on his nitpicking. Fil will make a noise like "hmphh" and roll his eyes. Or he will say "well I still think..."

He will never ever accept he is in the wrong no matter what you say.

OP posts:
coldcallerbaiter · 15/09/2024 10:28

So they do not have a key? That’s good.

Go to their house and nitpick their stuff. When FIL says something, make a joke of and laugh at his opinion.

Do dc like them? Are they good with them?

The 8 am stuff has to stop, maybe allow a visit every other week.

ThinWomansBrain · 15/09/2024 10:29

The problem is because they don't really know why we avoid them, on the occasions that we do see them it's very awkward and the behaviour and nitpicking are as bad as ever.
Without dh telling them which it doesn't seem he ever will. I can't see another way out of it all?

I can see that you were expecting DH to sort it initially, but limp lettuce is clearly going to do nothing, so tell them yourself. Limit visits to when you invite them, and if they are still PITAs, don't invite them.

Catza · 15/09/2024 10:29

Lovelyautumnwalks · 15/09/2024 10:24

So if I correct fil on his nitpicking. Fil will make a noise like "hmphh" and roll his eyes. Or he will say "well I still think..."

He will never ever accept he is in the wrong no matter what you say.

Yes, but what you are doing here is justifying your decisions. What I am suggesting is actually telling them you don't want their opinion regardless of whether it is right or not. You need to be clear in your communications.
"Well, I still think that .."
"You are entitled to think that but I don't want to hear your opinion on this matter. Please don't bring it up again"
Then he can huff as much as he wants.
Or, if he says something again, then you follow up with "I asked you not to do it. Unfortunately we will have to go now/ask you to leave now/take some time out from seeing you..."

NewtonsCradle · 15/09/2024 10:31

Suggestions for fil conversations, "I hear what you are saying but I disagree with it." "That's an interesting perspective." "Thanks for sharing your opinion on that."

Original poster
Lovelyautumnwalks · 15/09/2024 10:33

@Catza yes I can see what you mean. I think the trouble is, is that it would come down to me asking fil to leave. He never backs down. I feel that once it comes to that point of asking someone to leave we've officially fallen out.

OP posts: