How to accept I will simply never get along with in laws?

[Lovelyautumnwalks]

I'll try to keep this from being too long.

I have tried for 10 years with pil but it's got to the point that I'm too old and too tired for their bs.

Just a few small few examples from over the years.

Ringing us up at 7-8am every single weekend Saturday and Sunday to come over. Ringing over and over and texting if we didn't answer. Then turning up and commenting if we were still in pyjamas or if the house wasn't up to their standards. Mil walking into my bedroom when I was getting dressed or feeling unwell.

Interfering and criticising everything we did with the dc. Commenting on absolutely everything and comparing to how they did it. Questioning, refusing to believe in things like allergies. Ridiculing us for using stair gates. Stuff like that.

On the few occasions they looked after the children when they were small being outright dangerous. I walked in once to my two year old on a high kitchen stool alone with boiling pans simmering on the hob and no adult in the room.

Criticising everything we do from where we go on holiday to how we've decorated the house just nitpicking constantly.
Rude comments over the years about my appearance, my job, my family.

Honestly I could go on for pages and pages. Dh has been very weak in dealing with them on anything and has now just taken to avoiding them altogether.

It's got to the point that we hardly see them because Dh would rather avoid them than ask them to stop picking on us. It's very uncomfortable when we do see them, fil seems to try to get all of his criticising done in a short space of time then sort of huffs off.

Nothing is ever going to change but how do you deal with this kind of situation?

Why don’t you just tell him he’s a total wanker and roll your eyes back? You have nothing to lose!

Lower your expectations and accept it for what it is. My MIL is awful and now I find her jabs almost funny because it's expected.

I think what many women do not realise is that men like this who stand by and tolerate their wives and children being treated poorly, criticised etc by their over bearing parents, are so damaged that they are actually unable to really love a wife or their own children.

They are so paralysed by fear that they will allow their relationships to be secondary to their parents demands.

I worked with a woman like this and after about 5 years of bullshit she had enough too.

She lost respect for her husband completely, but was a strong Catholic and didn't believe in divorce.

She had ignored red flags but was so grateful that she insisted they live near her family 40 minutes away from his parents.
A small mercy for sure.
She made it very clear to her husband that she would absent herself if they called to her home.

Her children grew to have little time for them and by the age of 10 were too busy with sports to visit at weekends.
She threw herself into her childrens activities as an escape and built her own life away from her husband with friends, sport, book clubs.
Her husband increasingly spent his weekends running after them as they grew older.
He is still at it.

There is no doubt it impacted his relationship with his children who are very close to their mother.
They live completely separate lives now their children have left home.
Clearly they should have divorced but some people really don't believe in it.

Her husbands two sisters have been very LC for years.

Think long and hard about your future OP, when it comes to caring duties.
Weak men get caught and catch their wives out if they are not very boundaried.

Scary.

That's my fear, dh spent years being an unpaid skivvy for his parents. Week in week out running fools errands for them. It's only now that our dc are older and have lots of weekend activities there is no time for pils bullshit.

Notably we have had no help or offer of help with any kind of childcare.

There are a number of options.

You carry on as you are. You grin and bare the unpleasantness for the sake of ? What? Watch out though- if other family members have gone no contact, you will be the one expected to pick up the slack! Imagine when they need (want) to move in with you, or need (want) daily help with hygiene and feeding..... they are not going to get any nicer or suddenly turn into sweet old dears!

You can move away. Block their number and allow a short phone call a couple of times a month.

Just say what you need to say , officially fall out and go no contact.

While you decide, block their numbers , and don't allow any visits!

Yanbu

I used to subscribe to the MN thing of he deals with his family you deal with yours.

once I had my 2nd i couldn’t be doing with her bullshit or my DHs slow diplomacy
now I go for “say what you see”
I just say it and if they don’t like it - so what…

my mil never NEVER thanks me. I always get DH to intercede and she thanks him or it’s ignored.

I did her a huge favour which she made out was time sensitive and then wasn’t and then never thanked me just said “oh x is nice!”
so i told her in black and white… that “that was a nice meal” or “the show was good” isn’t thank you. And i find it rude that she doesn’t say thank you and if she wants me to do things for her and for things to be more cordial.. maybe try it…

all hell and histrionics broke lose.
i was a broken record
she now says it pointedly 😅
my chest is a tonne lighter.