How to accept I will simply never get along with in laws?

[Lovelyautumnwalks]

I'll try to keep this from being too long.

I have tried for 10 years with pil but it's got to the point that I'm too old and too tired for their bs.

Just a few small few examples from over the years.

Ringing us up at 7-8am every single weekend Saturday and Sunday to come over. Ringing over and over and texting if we didn't answer. Then turning up and commenting if we were still in pyjamas or if the house wasn't up to their standards. Mil walking into my bedroom when I was getting dressed or feeling unwell.

Interfering and criticising everything we did with the dc. Commenting on absolutely everything and comparing to how they did it. Questioning, refusing to believe in things like allergies. Ridiculing us for using stair gates. Stuff like that.

On the few occasions they looked after the children when they were small being outright dangerous. I walked in once to my two year old on a high kitchen stool alone with boiling pans simmering on the hob and no adult in the room.

Criticising everything we do from where we go on holiday to how we've decorated the house just nitpicking constantly.
Rude comments over the years about my appearance, my job, my family.

Honestly I could go on for pages and pages. Dh has been very weak in dealing with them on anything and has now just taken to avoiding them altogether.

It's got to the point that we hardly see them because Dh would rather avoid them than ask them to stop picking on us. It's very uncomfortable when we do see them, fil seems to try to get all of his criticising done in a short space of time then sort of huffs off.

Nothing is ever going to change but how do you deal with this kind of situation?

Ringing us up at 7-8am every single weekend Saturday and Sunday to come over. Ringing over and over and texting if we didn't answer. Then turning up and commenting if we were still in pyjamas or if the house wasn't up to their standards.

It's just ridiculous that you tolerated this even twice. Your husband doesn't have a backbone, but you don't, either.

I dont think you can change people like this. I imagine when they are alone they spend their entire conversations criticising others.
My MIL nitpicked on every single thing I did. I don’t think she was really aware of it. It’s very boring and exhausting though. She thought any choice that I made was a criticism of her, like even what I drank. Trying to get DD to eat things she couldn’t all the time (I think to prove me wrong). At the end of visits she would complain I didn’t want to stay longer or come more often. I think she was totally unaware.
You are doing the right thing. If you told them I doubt they would change. Are they better separately?

But that's ok. At the moment you say that they don't know why you have limited contact. So make it abundantly clear why and give them a chance to address their behaviour. The rest is on them. I see no downside of being direct and this is what you, presumably, expect your husband to do.

Open your own mouth and speak.

So carry on like that. Don't waste your time thinking about them. Low/no contact works well, you can't change people but you can change how you react to them.

I despise mine so simply don’t see them other than briefly over Christmas. DH isn’t close to them and accepts that if he does want to see them it will be without me.

I think probably you're right I have had no backbone. It's a big regret of mine that I put up with so much bullshit for years.

I always felt that I ought to be polite as they were my husband's family, even though they weren't being polite to us. I also expected dh to deal with a lot of it.

I did stand up for myself, but when you are dealing with an obnoxious older man it's not always easy and when dh stayed silent my voice seemed to have no effect.

Around 2 years ago I told dh that I'd had enough and he'd either have to deal with them or we'd end up splitting up or I'd end up exploding at his father. Dh decided to start avoiding them at that point, and that's how it's been since.

@Lovelyautumnwalks

Do we share the same in laws??!!

I lost my shit with Fil one day after years of trying to ignore his comments and arrogance.
He stood in my kitchen and made a shitty comment about something me and dh had done in the house.

I told him he was a rude arrogant twat and he needed to leave.
The minute you confront men like this they run a mile.
We didn't speak for 6 months this it was bliss.

He came to ours to see dh twice and on both occasions he blanked me in my own home and I kicked off at dh and told him to tell Fil he was now not allowed around at all as it's mine and dh house and I wouldn't tolerate it.

I also told dh that if he continued to put up with their behaviour that was on him but not in our home and not with me there or we would be done and I seriously meant it.

That was the jolt he needed to see that their behaviour was not normal or ok.

If they've been like it all his life op he will know no boundaries.

Anyway we don't see them a lot at all now and as times gone on dh is fully aware of how shit their behaviour was and wouldn't ever tolerate it now.

There is absolutely no way on earth I would put up with this shit in my own home, or anywhere else for that matter.

Block their numbers so they cannot harass you early on weekend mornings for a start. If anybody spoke to me like that in my home I would not be defending the reasons I'm doing things, I would tell them quite clearly to fuck off and mind their own business. If they cannot behave, then the visits have to stop.

I agree you have a DH problem here but he sounds utterly battered by them and sounds like he's been subjected to years of emotional abuse. I think my stance in that situation would be "enough" and I would go NC. They are bringing nothing to yours or your children's lives. You do not have to put up with this a moment longer. I'm so glad I'm single.

Or "it's nothing to do with you and your opinion is unwanted".

So officially fall out.

I hear you OP
Had similar- but when you do stand up for yourself (cos your partner won’t ) then ILs get so offended and so hurt…

NC now and so much better, though they “can’t understand what we’ve done) !!
Partners are of course, free to see their families, with or without taking the children

Do it - it’s worth it

No need.

Go fully NC.

They add nothing positive to your life, and given that they have left your DH unable to voice his own opinion, you certainly don't want them doing the same to their dgcs.

Surely the best thing would be to officially fall out. Their behaviour is beyond awful. They have no redeeming features and your life would be so much better with no contact at all.

Would "officially falling out" be any worse than what you've got now?

I can't see how.

Exactly. What's the difference? Your husband is an embarrassment and you are a passenger in your own life. Good grief. Set a good example for your kids so they don't end up being doormats themselves.

Honestly I would go full on ballistic next time they pull this shit. It will be both cathartic and effective.

I think you just need to be quite firm with them OP.

If they criticise the way you do something, just be firm "we prefer to do it like this" or "we're following the dr's advice" etc.

If the PILs continue to disagree or roll their eyes then something like: "we'll just have to agree to disagree then" or "did you just roll your eyes at me? I find that very rude".

If it's insistent ringing at 7am then you need to say "please don't ring repeatedly at this time of day. We've had a very busy week and we're having a lie in. Repeated ringing like this should only ever be done in an emergency. Otherwise, Please just ring once and leave a message and we will then call you back when we are available"

All said in a firm but fair tone.

I've been in the same position op. The rudeness and sly criticism was infuriating and my dh constantly made excuses for them. Even when I was taken ill after a terrifying seizure. In laws rushed over (5 mins away) and while I was being stabilised in the ambulance when I started seizing again my fil said very loudly, in front of my terrified and upset dc,that I was just attention seeking. When a paramedic had a strong word with him he scuttled off. And my dh never did confront him about that. I lost a lot of respect for my dh for that.

I went very low contact, our dc slowly dropped any visits to only when absolutely necessary much to dh disappointment. They are adults now. They couldn't care less about their grandparents.

The fact is my dh has been conditioned to accept this behaviour from them all his life. Hes never in his life addressed anything that they've done to him. And he bends over backwards to please them, begging for a crumb of praise.

Fast forward and in-laws are frail. They initially expected ME to pickup a lot of care for them lol. But I refused. But now dh is there every single day, on top of a full time job. Caring, odd jobs, shopping, meds runs and any bloody daft mission his mum gives him. I hardly see him anymore. I'm called cruel and uncaring if I try to talk to dh about it, oh the irony.

Op I'd just get it all off your chest now. And set some boundaries for your dh right now.

This has really resonated with me. I am sorry that you are in this situation.

I feel like with my husband he failed to grow up in a way. He obviously grew up a certain way and he failed to put any boundaries in place once he left home and had his own family. There were red flags early on, he simply always did everything his parents told him to do and I chose to ignore it. He's desperate for any crumbs of approval from his dad, but he doesn't see it.

I could imagine dh doing the fools errands when pil are old and frail.

Even when we had our first dc and dh was on paternity leave pil were ringing him sending him on ridiculous errands that they could have done themselves.

I could never bite my tongue. I'm too outspoken. If I had a father /parents in law who moaned and complained and gave his opinion or said 'well, I still think.... ' I'd just say thank you for your opinion but I like my way better'.

As for telephoning at 8am, I'd put a stop to that and tell them no phone calls until after 11am unless it's an emergency cos you like your lie ins. And if they don't get the hint, then one weekend, I'd ring them at 5am and bring the kids round to see them at 6am. Then tell them you all want breakfast, full English, and feeding cos you're all hungry. Then tell them you're going out and tell them to hurry up. They'll be wanting rid of you then. Just turn it round on them.

I'm regularly in my PJs. I don't care. My house, my rules. If you don't like it, then don't come. That way you don't have to get annoyed.

Tell your DH what you're going to be doing from now onwards. Hopefully he will be on side with you. Just grow a backbone. Why are you so scared of them? So long as it's all polite then go have a dig at them. Works both ways. Call him out on his being rude (eyes rolling etc....) he'll be defensive then. He might even back down.

Turn your phones off, mine is permanently on silent, I’m concerned it might ring in class so it’s constantly on mute. If someone needs me, I’ll get there soon, I check it regularly enough.

If you’re 99% non-contact, is the issue resolved?

It's resolved in as far as we hardly see them anymore.

But when we do nothing has changed.

We saw fil recently and he was as awful as ever. Questioning us and trying to trip us up over a health issue with one of the dc. The usual eye rolling, tutting and huffing.