To want to help unsporty child?

[BrightSkyPurple]

Hi,

My 5 year old has been feeling quite down recently that he is not good as sports and that his “friends” say that he is not good at running, catching, getting a ball through the basketball hoop, playing football, doing martial arts etc. I guess he probably takes after me in the sense that he is not sporty. I was so glad when I left school and competitive sports behind me. He says that there’s just one other boy along with him who is “slow” and “can’t do anything”. He has other skills and interests outside sports and I’m happy to support those but at the same time I hate him feeling so down about sports as it’s such a big part of school & friendships. Ive tried to get him to focus on what he’s good at (outside sport) and think about the skills he didn’t have before that he is developing (eg he can ride a bike and is improvising at swimming). I doubt sport will ever be his thing but I do think it would be helpful for him to have a baseline level of competence so he doesn’t feel so bad about it but I don’t know how to help him develop this as I’m not great myself and my parents had no interest in sport growing up so I don’t know how it’s encouraged. Is it one of those things where you just work on acceptance or is catching a ball for example a skill like riding a bike or learning to swim that everyone can pick up with the right instruction? He did join a club over the summer but there were so many kids that there wasn’t really much scope for “support”. Would some individual coaching be helpful? Thanks

Can you tell if he has good/poor coordination?

Lots of basic practice of running and throwing/catching with you will help. If he has poor upper/lower coordination he may struggle though.

One of my DD is a fast fit runner, taught herself to ride a bike at 3 has dyspraxia and cannot throw/catch and isn't good at kicking a football despite playing for years.

Another one has very poor upper/lower body coordination and couldn't run until we had her treated for retained reflexes and that changed it was amazing to watch -she was just 4 at the time.

5 is a bit young to write him off as 'not sporty' op.

You really need to take a step back from the anxiety about this because he will feed off you.

He is five years old. He needs to have fun. That's it.

Ask him what his favourite game is...does he actually enjoy any of them - football, rugby, basketball etc? If so, get him in a club and let him enjoy it. At 5, how good he is or not really isn't important as they're not in competitive leagues - if he enjoys it, it's enough.

Always feed his confidence and tell him you're proud of how hard he's trying, ask him if he's had fun doing xyz. Don't spiral down a black hole with him about other kids being 'better'.

I was very relieved my son was in such a cramped city primary that there was a rota for each year to play football in the playground, once a week. It meant he formed friendships he wouldn’t have had.

Defo get him to ride a bike. Get him into football skills sessions now, if you leave it, in a couple of years it’s local teams only and they don’t want kids who can’t play. Revisit martial arts which are about repetition and mastery, swimming too and thinks like bouldering and weightlifting are sports less aimed at hand eye co-ordination. there’s more choice now.

Im also awful at sports and had one sporty child, one in the middle and one like me. They can all swim properly and ride bikes and even the least sporty has a sport they enjoy

My daughter excelled at only cycling and swimming - does that mean she wasn't good at sport?

Never swam until she was 6 and didn't really ride a bike until she was 6 years old without stabilisers

I'm a non sporty person. I have joint hypermobility so my co-ordination is awful and it's much more work for me to run than others - this was more true when I was a child because it was more pronounced (I was really pigeon toed as a kid).

What helped me and I wish I'd done more as a kid was individual, non competitive activities. Martial arts, dance, bike riding, gymnastics (if there's a low key class), trampolining - basically anything that doesn't involve the pressure of a team. (ETA - I've seen a poster above mention climbing - my DS did this recently in a coached session and loved it and it was great for motor planning and confidence. Would highly recommend.)

My DS has ASD and his co-ordination is pretty poor in some areas due to sensory processing difficulties. We work on throwing and catching as part of sensory circuit activities pretty much daily. He is improving - though he's probably never making the basketball team. So yes, you can get better at it.

My 6 year old DS is not naturally sporty. Most of the boys in class play football together at every opportunity. He builds dens with his friend and pretends they are fighting battles etc. He has now started karate though and is enjoying that for now.
Children are individuals with different skills and interests. Don't try and force the situation.

He’s so young! He’s prob focusing on one or two boys who are very good at that stuff - I doubt the whole class is.

dance is very good for coordination, balance and stamina? Junio park run? Gym when older and body has stopped growing doesn’t require much coordination and is massively popular among young males.

DS1 was ‘working towards’ his physical skills in Y2. Then COVID hit. He was interested in cricket and spent at least an hour a day bowling against a wall in the garden. He has been a county cricket pathway player for the last few years. So practice can make a huge difference. He’s also physically fit…which has meant as he has to do compulsory sport he does well enough at other sports.

I've never been naturally "sporty" but I have taken up badminton as an adult and I am amazed how much better my hand eye coordination has got with regular, consistent practice. I'm never going to be a competition winner but I no longer humiliate myself. I can also now catch things periodically.

I think it is worth adding in throwing and catching practice at home if it's possible - it would have made my time at school a lot easier if I had been even alright at at it. My school rounders career involved me successfully hitting the ball fewer than 10 times in total over 11 years of school rounders.

I had to leave school to discover that I am in fact sporty, just not those kinds of sports school offers.

Does your son enjoy the sports in themselves, or is it just that he has to learn that we can't be good at everything, or he hasn't yet discovered his sport?

I'd keep encouraging him to give it a go, make sure it's about fun, and remind him that we are all different and good at different things.

5 is so young to be worrying.

It's about finding the activity he enjoys not about kicking a ball.

See what after school clubs the school offer and what he enjoys.

My DC tried lots before finding swimming was their thing. They are now competitive swimmers and DS has got his first jobs as a lifeguard and swim teacher.

Not all sports involve a ball.

My concern is how he conveys he feels about his abilities and what his friends say about it. He’s sometimes excluded from games that they play at lunchtime because he’s not a fast runner or not good with the ball. Outside of what he feels about this I honestly don’t care. I was similar but I’ve done fine in life without being sporty but he looks so sad when he tells me this stuff and I really want to help.

I don’t know if he’s unncoordinated or if he just needs more help. I just don’t know where to start. I’ve been through every physical activity I can think off (including dancing and martial arts) and he’s said no to all of them. We did some throwing, catching and kicking practice in the park yesterday and he seemed so disinterested despite encouragement because “I don’t know how to do it” . He doesn’t mind cycling and swimming but again he’s conscious that he’s in the bottom group because many kids have been to swimming lessons since they were babies.

I was never a sporty kid but when I was a teen I did football and cricket because my friends did and I got much much better at throwing and catching, I’m pretty decent at it now! Some of its a natural talent but it’s also practise.

How about getting some things he can practise at home? A swingball set is good for coordination and you can do it yourself, also a little basketball hoop.

He's 5 years old and you've already given him a complex about not being sporty?!?!?

My nephew was a podgy toad at 5 and was definitely not "sporty". He's now 10 and very lean and an incredible runner!

5 is so young to worry about this, bless him! Ball skills do help with coordination and development in general so I'd work on those but try and find a fun way to work on coordination- DS had a archery set that age (toy of course) and would spend hours playing with it, really helped him with other things too. Running I'd say some aren't as fast as others, but keeping active and displaying an active lifestyle will benefit him for the rest of his life so walks (no focus on speed) etc to try and build him up?

@TwinklyAmberOrca where on earth have I said I have given him a complex? He has come to me telling me he is not good because he can’t do certain things and his classmates say things to him

Why do people expect their kids to be ‘naturally good at things’, rarely is anyone so talented they have a gift for something, more likely the other kids have been to sports camps or extra curricular lessons. It’s more important to explain to children that skills/sports need practise and polishing, than saying ‘oh not being sporty runs in the family’ or similar. For example, why don’t you enroll him in a number of weekend clubs: swimming, athletics etc and discover which he enjoys most, remove the pressure of being good, when you’re 5 you have the rest of your life to become an expert at things.

I think in your shoes I would do a couple of things. Firstly, sign him up for a range of taster sessions of some more 'alternative' or individual sports - people have suggested some great ideas already. How does he know he doesn't like e.g. karate if he's never tried it. If he hates it after a session or two then move on. Second, work as a family on being fit and active. Fitness can get you a long way in loads of sports. So keep swimming (not just the lessons, find a pool with slides or wave machines and go for fun), walks, climbing trees, adventure playgrounds, scooting / skate parks or whatever. And yes, play catch / swingball in the garden. Finally, don't worry too much - the non football kids do find each other, it just takes a bit longer for those friendships to form.

Five years old is way to young to write him off as ‘not sporty’ — at 5, DS spent after school football at the opposite end of the pitch to the ball, picking blackberries and having a good old gossip with his friend Mia. At 12, he’s obsessive, and his team have gone up four divisions in the local league in the last few years. (And I’m completely unsporty, and think sport is completely pointless…)

My son is almost 13 and has never been sporty, very uncoordinated and just doesn't have a natural ability. He found his group towards the end of primary school and has great friendships, they love things like dungeons and dragons and rubicks cubes and he is so happy. It might take him a while but he will hopefully find more like minded friends as he gets older.

My son does PE at school 3 times a week and walks to and from school every day and I make him do one active extra curricular a week (he has done judo for about 8 years, not that great at it but he tolerates it) and we do lots of active things at the weekend so I think that's plenty.

Is sports REALLY such a big part of school and friendships? I think you are over thinking or catastrophising here. I have two boys, neither are sporty. One is dyspraxic and the least sporty person you can think of. He did PE at school because he had to but has zero interest. The younger one can catch a ball but is just not interested in kicking a ball about or organised sports.

Both my boys have found their own way and own interests, ways of making friends away from organised sport.

@80smonster He does swimming and martial arts (reluctantly) after school. We will probably drop the material arts soon because he seems unhappy after lessons so I’ve suggested to him he could do a weekend activity instead. He’s tried cricket (hated it because of the throwing & catching issues) and not interested in tennis for the same reason. He says football and rugby are too rough. We stopped doing drama classes last year because he hated the dancing element. It’s only really swimming where he shows some interest but because he started later than most kids in his class, it’s not something he has a lot of confidence about. I think between cycling and swimming he could probably find enough to keep fit but my concern is more about the self esteem issues. We talk about how different people have different strengths and how we can get better things we find hard with practice but I think the comments from kids in his class really get to him sometimes. The other child in his small-ish class who “always comes last” doesn’t seem to be someone he really clicks with or plays with.

"he’s conscious that he’s in the bottom group because many kids have been to swimming lessons since they were babies."

How on earth does he know this? Is this what YOU are telling him?
If so, you are feeding the issue. And making excuses before even trying.

You have to practise to be good at anything. Even the talented have to practise. The better you are, the more you have to practise.... Olympic swimmer practise hard 40 hours a week.... And they probably didn't go to swimming lessons as babies.

Play out lots. Get friends over and play out lots with them. Get some mini beanbags to play catch games at home. Throw beanbags into a hoola hoop on the carpet or a chalk circle outside- stand further and further away each time. Hopscotch. Set up skittles. Make an 'obstacle' course - get one of those cheapo pop up tunnels for him to scramble through. Do some hopping. oooh can you hop backwards??? Teach him to juggle. Football dribbling relays- but just your family members all taking turns in the same team- no competition, just fun. Skip- like a boxer. Take a bouncy power ball to the park- we made a huge one out of all the elastic bands the postmen used to drop on the streets.Find one of those public table tennis tables etc etc
His 'skills' and confidence will improve with frequent practise through play. Don't do team sports- do fun active games.

You need to make it fun for him. In the nicest possible way, he isn't you. Go jogging together? I did that with dd when I was overweight and had no money. She's now a triathlete (and I'm still fat and broke).

@Omnium No, he knows because he has seen that the other group can swim in the deep end whereas his group stays in the shallow part. Not sure why there are a few people who want to make out that I am trying to create issues for my son when I have clearly said this is stuff he comes to me with based on what his classmates say or what he sees and I am asking for advice so I can help him feel better not because I want to turn him into an Olympic athlete!