To want to help unsporty child?

[BrightSkyPurple]

Hi,

My 5 year old has been feeling quite down recently that he is not good as sports and that his “friends” say that he is not good at running, catching, getting a ball through the basketball hoop, playing football, doing martial arts etc. I guess he probably takes after me in the sense that he is not sporty. I was so glad when I left school and competitive sports behind me. He says that there’s just one other boy along with him who is “slow” and “can’t do anything”. He has other skills and interests outside sports and I’m happy to support those but at the same time I hate him feeling so down about sports as it’s such a big part of school & friendships. Ive tried to get him to focus on what he’s good at (outside sport) and think about the skills he didn’t have before that he is developing (eg he can ride a bike and is improvising at swimming). I doubt sport will ever be his thing but I do think it would be helpful for him to have a baseline level of competence so he doesn’t feel so bad about it but I don’t know how to help him develop this as I’m not great myself and my parents had no interest in sport growing up so I don’t know how it’s encouraged. Is it one of those things where you just work on acceptance or is catching a ball for example a skill like riding a bike or learning to swim that everyone can pick up with the right instruction? He did join a club over the summer but there were so many kids that there wasn’t really much scope for “support”. Would some individual coaching be helpful? Thanks

My DS is almost 16yo and was just like your child at that age. He did find with age his hand eye coordination improved a lot and he is now good at racquet sports (badminton, squash, padel) and he really enjoys these. He hates most PE lessons at school still, especially when they play football, but he gets through it. I think what helped most was golf - at some clubs now you can play games on the driving range as the balls have chips in them and it links to a screen on the bay. It's a quiet, slow game with no bustle and may suit his character while improving that hand eye coordination.

@WorldMap24 Did he do extra activities that developed the hand eye coordination or do you think it was just about time?

@BrightSkyPurple just a thought, but maybe you need to focus on more cerebral activities: coding, musical production (about recording music), languages, piano (which relies on decoding skills and notional fractions) etc? It could be he’s more academically inclined, which is obviously a massive gift (well worth polishing), rather than focusing on the things he finds tricky, you need to celebrate all the bits he wonderful at. I’m sure there are as many successful coders and record producers as there are sportsmen. Either way I’d recommend swimming as it’s a skill that saves young lives. You’ll crack this OP, don’t worry.

Being "sporty" isn't a life skill, as they get a bit older the kids will develop more interests and some will be more into sports some will like other things. I would say that being fit and active is important, he may not be as fast as the others and have such good ball skills but if he has good stamina and can keep up he will be able to join in with all kinds of activities and keep up with P.E and not be out of breath anytime he needs to run, and of course its good for his health. If you compare it to reading he might not be whizzing through Lord of the Rings at age 10 but he will be able to enjoy chapter books aimed at 10 year olds and keep up with his school work. So I'd work on helping him keep fit and enjoy physical activities but not worry about sports.

Can I ask have you had his eyes tested, as the co-ordination could be a sight issue. My advice, forget the sports element, play games for fun and just to use up energy. Get some garden games, swingball, anything that's physical but not that competitive and just get out there with him and just have fun. Go to the pool and just play in the water and show him that being fit is for most of us not about being competitive, just enjoying it in the moment. You are talking to someone who won a silver medal, swimming for the London Fire Brigade (worked in the offices) as they couldn't field a team unless I took part and believe me, they waited a long time for me to touch the wall to finish the race, but I took part and enabled the event to take place, so would never be competitive but could be a competitor!

@BrightSkyPurple yes! It might take a bit of time but just keep going with simple throwing games and lots of praise even if he doesn’t appear to ‘get it’ at first . Start with a big soft ball and move to smaller balls or beanbag games.

He doesn’t mind cycling and swimming but again he’s conscious that he’s in the bottom group because many kids have been to swimming lessons since they were babies.

do you take him to private swimming lessons? TBH if you want to improve his confidence get him some really decent swimming lessons with only 3/4 children in the pool at once.

My dd didn't swim until she was 6 but I took her to private lessons where there were 3 dc each lesson and she was taught front crawl, butterfly etc and then kept up the swimming with a local club where she swam 3 times a week, where she was then into the squad at 10 year old.

DS was like this - but was top sets for anything academic.

I eventually told her that sport is clearly not her thing and to enjoy other things.

She goes to the gym, plays netball, cycles and walks - she’s fit and active and once accepting her limitations she’s a lot happier.

Sometimes you just have to tell them the truth, he doesn’t enjoy it, he doesn’t want to practice, it’s not his thing! Doing the things he loves will build his confidence more than pushing the stuff he hates .

I’d look at Beavers (age 6-8) for him to try a whole host of activities that are not traditional sports. DS(9) is not at all sporty either but loves being able to try activities like archery, climbing, camping, obstacle courses etc as well as visits to fire stations, places of worship, bell-ringing, climbing wall etc. Work towards given him confidence and knowledge in other things.

If he has just turned 5 then maybe see if you have a Squirrels group (part of Scouts for 4-6 yrs) near you.

Have you looked at activities like gymnastics, Street Dance, badminton (yes, similar to tennis but you never know), anthletic (It’s more than just running), archery (the latter better when he’s older and stronger)?

If these other children are saying these things at school and they are excluding him from play then be having a quiet word with the teacher. These type of attitudes need to be addressed as it’s unkind and shitty.

My DD is like your son, she's never been good at games that involve throwing catching etc - usually team sports. It took her a long time to learn to coordinate her body eg jumping. She's mildly dyspraxic like me so it's not a surprise.

Junior school was awful for her in games lessons, the kids were mean to her and she was always picked last etc. BUT outside school she found her sport - dance. She's had to work hard at it (she's 12 now, started age 3) but she's so good at it now, and she doesn't mind being rubbish at PE because she's a top dancer and her school has a dance programme.

So - I think swimming is a life skill, catching a ball etc is not. But also staying active is a life skill, and you should help him find a sport or physical activity he enjoys - I'd recommend looking at individual sports rather than team so he can focus all his energy on it rather than worrying about letting the side down etc.

I was never massively sporty. Was good at sprinting and I've ridden horses all my life
Then as I got older I tried different stuff so aerial arts, pole fitness, back to netball, spin classes, lifting weights... I love all of those but they're not generally things that are about when you're a child

I did really enjoy climbing as well

What about just going to the park after school? Does he like going on the equipment?

It can be a good way of building strength, coordination and trust in one’s body and it’s not like lessons or formal practice.

Mine are definitely not sporty and usually got left out of football- however DS in year 11 now loves PE because he’s in the self-named rejects group where they play to have fun, the other discovered sailing and cricket in year 4 and is now considering a gcse in PE - a huge surprise to me and DH who were ‘arty’ and hated sport growing up

sad that so many are assuming you are creating these problems, generally yr 2 is renown for children starting to notice the difference between themselves and others but some notice earlier and need to be acknowledged or their frustration grows. It’s not about wanting a sports star it’s about your child is expressing his concerns.
I’d get his eyes checked as a first stop. Then
it might be worth speaking to a gp or maybe a private physio about possible coordination issues - I used to work with children with retained reflexes and ball skills were often highliters.
practice does help but if it’s retained reflexes it will always be harder for him without some help. Lots of info on line so maybe have a google and see if you can see anything else that might be involved ( clumsy, messy eater, fidgeting at the table etc can all be connected)
meanwhile go back to floor based games with age appropriate props - sit facing each other with legs wide on the floor and roll balls of various sizes at each other - vary speeds and distances, add targets or tunnels etc if it’s too easy. Play catch with balloons as they move more slowly, move onto bean bags then light large balls - build his confidence in steps

My lad has DCD and hypermobility. I wish I'd realised earlier, the OT gave us loads of exercises to do to help build coordination etc

DS was like this - but was top sets for anything academic.I eventually told her that sport is clearly not her thing and to enjoy other things.She goes to the gym, plays netball, cycles and walks - she’s fit and active and once accepting her limitations she’s a lot happier

I mean, this sounds an awful lot like sport to me?

Organised sport in school is awful - so exposing! Great for the kids that can do it and not for those who really struggle.
Main thing is to keep active, try things out and don't stress. Even just going for an explore (walk) is good.
If he's enjoying swimming, but feels a bit behind, could you focus on taking him swimming between lessons, so he can work on his skills and hopefully improve more quickly?
Keep up with the cycling - especially if you cycle as well!
Might be when he's older he could try some more water sports ie rowing which often suit those who are aren't so good at ball sports.

Soend time being sporty with him. I feel guilty that I never ever played ball sports with DC as I have appalling hand to eye co-ordination and can't catch a ball to save my life - or throw straight. DC inherited not only my poor co-ordination but my avoidance of practise. If I had my time again, I'd at least take them out running and to play frisbee. I might even hire a personal trainer who specialises in dyspraxia or poor co-ordination and get them to meet us in the park once or twice a week to play ball, hit some shuttlecocks, throw some frisbees and do some simple running and jumping games.

But I'd also have a word with the teachers. I hate how it is somehow seen as okay to mock children who struggle at sport but it is bullying (rightly so) to mock children who struggle academically. They need to keep an eye on playground politics.

Yep I'd recommend climbing too. Also something like cricket as it's much slower paced at that age and he will learn to catch etc. mine was non sporty at 5 and he's great at lots now even though he didn't play until aged 9.