To want to help unsporty child?

[BrightSkyPurple]

Hi,

My 5 year old has been feeling quite down recently that he is not good as sports and that his “friends” say that he is not good at running, catching, getting a ball through the basketball hoop, playing football, doing martial arts etc. I guess he probably takes after me in the sense that he is not sporty. I was so glad when I left school and competitive sports behind me. He says that there’s just one other boy along with him who is “slow” and “can’t do anything”. He has other skills and interests outside sports and I’m happy to support those but at the same time I hate him feeling so down about sports as it’s such a big part of school & friendships. Ive tried to get him to focus on what he’s good at (outside sport) and think about the skills he didn’t have before that he is developing (eg he can ride a bike and is improvising at swimming). I doubt sport will ever be his thing but I do think it would be helpful for him to have a baseline level of competence so he doesn’t feel so bad about it but I don’t know how to help him develop this as I’m not great myself and my parents had no interest in sport growing up so I don’t know how it’s encouraged. Is it one of those things where you just work on acceptance or is catching a ball for example a skill like riding a bike or learning to swim that everyone can pick up with the right instruction? He did join a club over the summer but there were so many kids that there wasn’t really much scope for “support”. Would some individual coaching be helpful? Thanks

DS has been labelled 'not sporty'. His report has him 'working towards.

All this means in practice is he hasn't been doing sports that suit him at school. He's not really one for catching and throwing. He's not great at team sports.

What he is good at is climbing.

Look at more individual type sports.

He's got better at the traditional sports but it's clear football is unlikely to ever be his thing.

I also think you'd be better signing your lad up for Beavers, Boys Brigade, woodcraft folk - that sort of activity which will have them playing games and doing those sorts of structured active things, but will also teach them crafts or other skills.

I also find it hard to believe that every single child is playing organised throwing catching and running games in the playground every break - most kids just tear around using their jackets as a sail or playing hide and seek or whatever.

@KnottedTwine That’s an interesting one I hadn’t thought off. He seems to bored by most things so maybe the variety of activities on offer at beavers might be better suited to him.

I don’t think it’s every break time but I do hear this stuff from him every couple of weeks.

He’s only 5!! So young to be writing him off. DD has a friend who was last at everything in sports day in reception and struggled with catching/throwing, chose ballet over karate at school but he’s now aged 8 on a swim club team (didn’t start until age 4 because of covid so that’s no a barrier at all), runs cross country and is really really good (sprinting just wasn’t his thing). Not all kids will be playing football at school, I’m sure at that age loads are just tearing around in circles. Just focus on fun active games, maybe try cubs/beavers for an outdoorsy but non sporty activity, keep an eye on the throwing/catching in case it means there might be something more going on but don’t rush to label him. Chances are he’ll find his thing.

My DS 29 was similar but did swim from a baby, it was the one sport i pushed. he also tried gymanstic, martial arts etc
When he was 8 he was allowed to use the local Mariners Base and start swimming, climbing , sailing and kayaking which he loved. He just was never great at the team stuff. Also he joined beavers and went all the way up to Adventure scouts, this was what really suited him.Also ended up doing golf at school and was quite good at that.

Yesterday he did 2 mile Swim Serpentine and early this year he did The Wall which is a 70 mile run!

My DD and I were telling his new gf that he really wasnt sporty as a child and now he is always at the gym, going for a run or a swim and still kayaks occassionally, he is just not really a ball person.

He's 5 OP! Also they do a very narrow range of sport at school, that not everyone is good at. Try to expose him to more extracurricular activities.
Like a PP I'm far better at individual, focus sports as an adult I do pole dance, aerial arts and lift weights.
As a child I thought I sucked because I was always the last picked for teams, but also because school sports had no real training, you were just expected to know what to do.

There's a sport out there for everyone!

But how does he know it's because they had lessons as babies. Where has he got that idea from. And why is it being allowed to explain or justify HIS ability?
He just needs to practise like everyone else.
As you well know, I wasn't for a second suggesting he/ you wanted to achieve Olympic standard. I was just making the point that EVERYONE has to put the work in.
You really are looking for excuses.
Why didn't you respond to all the helpful suggestions I made for fun activities to help your son ??? No- you just ignored all those and honed in on my mention of Olympians and made some more spurious excuses.
I'll say it again: if you want to help your son, who does not appear to enjoy organised team sports, to become more sporty, then do lots of fun physical activities with him.

We had similar issues with our DD and have spent a lot of time explaining not many people are ‘naturally good at things’. The idea that you would pick up a sport or hobby and be preternaturally good at it is a bizarre concept, when you think about it. Just like no one is good at learning a language - we all learn by repetition and practice. What I’m picking up is (like our DD) your kid wants to quit stuff when they try it and don’t pick up up immediately. You need to reinforce that practice makes perfect and almost no one is simply good at things. Our DD also enjoys swimming, so we have taken her lead and signed her up for the local kids swimming team. As you’ve pointed out - it’s all about building confidence, but that needs to be underpinned by dedication, which is mostly about showing up each week.

I was like your son. Convinced that I was hopeless at sport and that would never change because my parents were both hopeless at sport and so it was in my DNA.

Until I was cajoled into signing up to do a Race For Life with some colleagues at the age of 18. I then went on to compete for my university in sport and have run half marathons.

Sport is like anything else. It's made up of skills you can work at, and if you work at them you improve, and if you don't, you don't. If you never run, you won't be able to run. The more you practice, the longer and faster you will be able to do it.

But if he's convinced he's hopeless at sport and you allow him to believe this and don't sign him up to any sporting activities, this belief will persist.

You sound massively intense OP.

He's only been on earth 5 years and actually walking for around 3 of them.

I have adult DS. One was quite good at rugby (which he didn't do until he was around 9 years old), one was quite good at all sports, and one was good at absolutely none of them but turned out to be a gifted musician unlike a lot of his friends.

He'll find his own way and he'll find his own friendship group eventually, if you back right off and let it naturally happen.

All things can be improved with practice. He may not have a natural gift or ever be amazing at it but he can get better if he wants to.
He is only little and it sounds like he’s probably not really going to want to choose to spend the time doing the runs, drills and physical activity that he would need to to truly improve. That’s obviously totally fine, he has other interests.
Little boys who are good at football are little boys who spend all their time playing football. They do it ALL the time. At home, at the park, at school.

@80smonster Yes I think you could be right. I have wondered if the “giving up” up mentality is part off it. I do feel like there’s a lack of persistence but I don’t know if it’s just his age and also don’t want to be pushy and force him to do things he doesn’t enjoy. It actually came up this week as he was complaining about marrial arts because they were being asked to do forward rolls and he couldn’t do them. So we did a bit of practice and he’s able to do them now. I’ve tried to use that as a lesson for how we sometimes can’t do things but need a bit of effort and practice. With playing catch in the park yesterday he was just disinterested after about 5 failed tries and I tried to use the forward rolls as an example of how we can improve if we keep trying but it didn’t work. I often hear people say that they just aren’t good at x but I wonder if everyone can reach some baseline level of competence with the right support. If you were never taught to ride a bike you wouldn’t know. I’ve always thought I couldn’t throw or catch because I’m naturally useless at it, but maybe it’s because I just wasn’t taught and that’s what I’m trying to figure out.

Op, you are right to be aware, and your ds might need some support.

My DS was never sporty but the primary school made such a big thing of it, they made it much worse. He was excluded from friendship groups because he didn't like football, and it all came to a head after the year 6 sports day when he calmly told me he would kill himself if he ever had to do that again.

Some schools are absolutely vile. They wreck childrens' confidence with their obsession with football.. I should have moved him sooner.

Like you, I made sure my DS could swim and ride a bike, and he had karate lessons. Apart from that, just have fun, lots of running games and kick-about in the park.

With my DS, he got a scholarship to an independent school and their PE teachers were brilliant. They set about undoing the damage, rebuilding his confidence, taught him properly and helped him to see sport as fun, rather than weekly humiliation to be endured.

Maybe define him less in terms of what he's bad at, especially at that age?

I was never sporty and it massively knocked my confidence. It's hard to learn things when you are uncoordinated. I started horse riding which has been good for me as the horse sort of creates the rhythm and I just have to get in sync with him. Builds the core muscles up too. Would he maybe like trying that?

Or what about boxing? Dance of some kind?

This might sound like a really obvious tip but it’s something that a lot of kids don’t learn, especially when they feel a bit uncoordinated.

When doing any ball sports or even just catching and throwing, always keep your eyes on the ball. If you’re thrown a ball, don’t take your eyes off the ball until it’s in your hands. Practice this with him in your garden or park with a tennis ball.

Lots of kids panic when trying to catch a ball and look at their hands. Or when playing football, look at their feet.

If you can teach him to always look at the ball, and practice that, he will improve quickly.

Honestly OP, we’ve been through this: judo, musical theatre, piano, singing, athletics, swimming, French, Spanish… ‘Mummy I’m not good at insert subject/sport’. We’ve been firm in reinforcing that kids who are good at things have practiced. Does he have a relatively short attention span for everything? Could boredom and not listening be part of the issue (as with our DD)? I’ve noticed that we have been making good progress with those we’ve stuck at and not allowed her to drop out of, swimming for example is a lifesaving skill, so I refused to allow her to withdraw, despite the whingefest every saturday morning. We’ve since been told DD is a ‘promising young swimmer’ - or did she just work at it? I dunno, I’m pretty sure, as you’ve said, it’s just about hours spent.

He's 5 and he's been written off in half a dozen sports already, and labelled a quitter to boot!

No 5 year old should be written off as "bad" at throwing and catching. They are all very early days of learning. Mine first tried cricket at 8 and was doing regional development squad at 11. Incidentally this weekend he is in a national comp in a different sport, that he first tried at age 10. Just ease off. They don't all do a tonne of extra-curriculars especially at 5.

I'm an unsporty mum to sporty children (they take after DH). If we go out for a picnic or a walk or something, it would never occur to me to has taken a ball whereas that is DH's default. When the DC were about 8 & 6, I realised how much time the other sporty kids spent in evenings and weekends just kicking a ball or throwing a ball about. DH works away a lot so whilst there are a million things I would rather do, I make myself do this most days unless it's miserable weather.
It's remarkable that my own skills haven't improved at all but there are some benefits to my erratic skills as the DC never know what to expect - where will the ball go when I throw or catch it? DC2 is really into cricket now and I spent quite a bit of time this summer doing catching practice (which is just me throwing the ball) or bowling practice (me being in bat). I'm sure he'd like batting practice but I'm so rubbish that that doesn't work too well!

My DS never liked sport because he isn’t naturally good at it.

since spending a lot of time throwing and catching, including frisbee, and skipping, just having balls and sports kit around, and making it fun when doing physical activity, he has improved enormously, and is now anonymous in the middle, rather than outlying worst. It makes school easier for sure

@sangriaandsunshine have you tried just doing throwdowns? I always found that easier than being in bat.

I do think most kids can improve enough to play team sport , if you take him out to kick the ball around or throw and catch. Some kids are naturally sporty but by no means all. Some kids have to work harder to improve hand eye coordination but it’s definitely possible if he wants to.

Also 5 is a bit young to think of him as not bring sporty. At 5 my DS had little interest in football but by 7 he wanted to join a team and now plays for a very competitive side. And I know friends whose kids didn’t start playing football until 10 and enjoy it and it definitely helps socially.

Having said all that, football is not the be all and end all. Keep up with the swimming and bike riding. But work on hand eye coordination with him too because it is a useful skill for other fun things like frisbee / cricket / rounders etc

For those that of you who aren’t assuming I am creating problems here and understanding that children can be cruel and my child is coming to me with something that’s upsetting them which I refuse to just ignore, thank you.

@Meadowfinch I love the school my son goes to but sport is a big part of it and I think in my sons year group there are a lot of sporty parents and kids or maybe I just don’t mingle in sporty circles and this isn’t unusual.

@Pookerrod yes this is what he has been told but I think it’s also about how quickly you are able to respond. At least for me I think that’s an issue?

@80smonster Focus and concentration for things he doesn’t enjoy or think he’s good at is an issue but I guess that’s normal. He’s great with academic stuff and more recently Lego & puzzles which he used to give up on so easily before. He’s easily frustrated if he can’t do something. With the Lego and puzzles something just switched and now he will persist until he gets it but that mindset shift hasn’t happened with sport. Maybe I do need to encourage him to keep going at things when he whinges about it.

@sangriaandsunshine Yes similar situation here in that my husband is sporty but is away a lot and I don’t think he has the patience to teach so it will fall to me and I’m no good at this stuff.

@summershere99 I would love to know how to improve hand eye coordination? Is it just practice?

I read something once that said it takes 100 hours of proper practise at something to be better than 95% of your peers. It's probably bollocks but maybe if your son is worried you can just practise the specific skills more. Not that he needs to. Everyone has different attributes and he's only little.

5 is far too young for individual coaching.

He is who he is, encourage what he enjoys. Sport really isn’t the be all. He’ll find his people as he grows.

Teach him resilience and confidence in who he is. “ You can’t run” - “doesn’t bother me, I don’t need to”.