To expect a morsel of excitement about our wedding

[lookpar]

We got engaged the start of the year, currently planning our wedding for next year but honestly I am just so buzz killed by it.

So far we've had a few arguments because of it, mainly me being annoyed at how unbothered he is.

His input has been, moaning at costs, saying we cant afford xyz, saying he doesn't care who comes or doesn't, he's done probably about 30mins of googling combined and only because I've been saying he's leaving it all to me.

I really just don't even want to plan it anymore it's so so unexciting now for me.

AIBU, i know this is mainly for the woman and she takes the lead but he has been so crap!

Even if he was just like let's do whatever you want (within reason) that would be better, but so far she just sh*ts on any idea and doesn't want to talk about it unless basically forced.

Have you asked him what he’d like to do instead? If you have and he doesn’t want anything at all, it doesn’t sound as though he actually wants to marry you.

YABU to say its mostly for the woman. There are 2 people getting married, they should share the relevant tasks to facilitate that.
Does he actually want to get married?

@ComtesseDeSpair he would just get married and go for a meal with family only if it was his choice

I'd have a chat about what he wants for your wedding. What is his ideal day?
He might not care and be happy with what you want.
He might be genuinely worried about cost.
He might think it's spiralling into something he doesn't want and it's getting scary.

Weddings and marriages are different things.

Just elope to Las Vegas and honeymoon in California. Have a party after you get back.

Have you considered eloping?

Sounds like he wants marriage and you want ‘the wedding’.

Sounds like a ready made husband. At least hes not gay.

Which is a perfectly reasonable way to get married which many people do.

If I was doing it all again that would be my choice as well.

If he doesn't want the big white wedding but you do, then he's compromisingmassiveky. If that's the case then you need to put in the hard work.

DH and I were both like this about our wedding - we just wanted to be married, neither of us cared about all the fuss.

We basically did what you say your DH wanted to do - a tiny ceremony with just our parents, followed by afternoon tea and then we had a night in a hotel afterwards, plus champagne and breakfast the next day.

Not everyone cares about a wedding and everything that comes with it. It's not wrong to just want to get married and be done with it.

I think you need to sit down with him and have a proper discussion of how you both see things. Weddings can be a hell of a lot of money for just the one day, and while I get the argument that you’re only planning on doing it once and you want to make it a day to remember, I can guarantee that you will remember it no matter how much money you spend, or what the colour scheme is, or where you hold the reception.

This is a day that you both have to be comfortable with. If he would prefer something intimate and quiet, what are your essentials in this? Fabulous dress, gorgeous flowers and a picturesque location? There is probably a way to a compromise that suits you both.

In some ways, if what comes out of this is that he can’t wait to be married and committed formally to spending the rest of his life with you, and doesn’t need all that fuss to validate how he feels, and he means it, that’s not a bad thing. Better than a cousin of mine who blew a ridiculous amount of his grandmother’s money on having the wedding of the year, as a substitute for actually building the foundations of a lasting marriage. But I am sure there is some room for you to create a shared vision of the wedding that doesn’t crush whatever dreams you had for your wedding day.

Out of our siblings (4 couples) two had full on white weddings with all the trimmings and two had very small registry office ones, one of those was an elopement. Not everyone is into the big event. You just don't see as much of them.

You need to ask him straight up, do you want a big wedding but to let me organise it, a small wedding because you don't like the fuss/expense or are you having second thoughts about getting married right now? You need to be able to have this kind of conversation. And definitely need to be on the same page re costs.

That's exactly how I felt about my wedding, and my mum organised it all. I'd never actually been to the reception venue until the day. I really really wanted to get married, but I wasn't at all bothered about a "wedding", that was for everyone else afaiwc.

This! You both need to talk openly and find a middle ground.

I'm a wedding planner and I so often see couples (read: more often brides) get so wrapped up in the "big day" that they basically forget that it is just one day (don't get me wrong, my entire career basically depends on people thinking like this) but the perfect wedding is not what it's about; it is about the two of you committing to each other for the rest of your lives and the "perfect" wedding doesn't make that bit happen.

So you're effectively forcing something he doesn't want on him and you want him to be excited about it?

My DH was very involved in the planning,possibly a bit more than me
You need to have a chat with him and try and reach an agreement on what you both want

My brother is like this. Doesn't want a faff, his partner does. He's said fine, have your day but I'm not really interested in planning it. It's not my thing. That was the compromise, he will go along with the pomp for her but she has to arrange it. I think it's fair enough, you can't really expect someone to be excitedly planning something they don't want in the place.

So do that, if you’re not happy with doing all the planning for your preferred wedding? I said I would only marry DH if we got married with two witnesses in jeans. He’d have liked a huge wedding, but I wasn’t up for it.

If the wedding that you want is significantly more elaborate than the one he wants, then you either have to accept (with good grace and without resentment) that a "big" wedding would have to be mostly arranged by you, or you need to have a proper talk about what sort of wedding could work as a compromise.

This "proper talk" doesn't mean you coming up with suggestions that he then shoots down - sounds like you've done enough of that already, and that your suggestions are all variations on an approach he finds alien and excessive. It needs to start from the basics: What does the day mean for each of you?

This is what we did and it was lovely.

My DH is actually very shy and standing and speaking in the registry office was hard enough for him, when all eyes were on him.

So we had a nice little personal ceremony with close family and friends, had a meal and then we spent the night in a honeymoon suite in a hotel, while MIL looked after the DC.

Can you two not compromise?

His plan sounds best.

Is he excited about your life together afterwards? That's the important bit.

So have you considered doing that then?

There is nothing wrong with that. I couldn't be bothered about a big wedding either. Marriage was important for me. I really didn't wanna have an expensive wedding which needs shed loads of org. Problem seems to be that you have different ideas about your wedding day. Would you consider eloping and party afters?