Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a morsel of excitement about our wedding

65 replies

lookpar · 14/09/2024 18:40

We got engaged the start of the year, currently planning our wedding for next year but honestly I am just so buzz killed by it.

So far we've had a few arguments because of it, mainly me being annoyed at how unbothered he is.

His input has been, moaning at costs, saying we cant afford xyz, saying he doesn't care who comes or doesn't, he's done probably about 30mins of googling combined and only because I've been saying he's leaving it all to me.

I really just don't even want to plan it anymore it's so so unexciting now for me.

AIBU, i know this is mainly for the woman and she takes the lead but he has been so crap!

Even if he was just like let's do whatever you want (within reason) that would be better, but so far she just sh*ts on any idea and doesn't want to talk about it unless basically forced.

OP posts:
TheNormalRules · 14/09/2024 21:51

You need to decide what is most important, getting married or being married.

If it's getting married, your priorities are wrong.

If it's being married you need to take account of both yours and his preference.

If he wants a quiet and simple do, you are being unrealistic and unreasonable expecting him to be enthusiastic about the planning.

Scale the plans down a bit (or preferably a lot) and you might find he's a bit more enthusiastic. That's assuming he wants to be married to you, of course.

SallyWD · 14/09/2024 21:52

Lots of people just aren't into weddings and do hate the ridiculous level of expense involved. I love my DH very much, wanted to marry him but had no interest in a wedding. So we just got married in a registry office - just us and two witnesses. I simply couldn't have been excited planning a wedding. I'd have been utterly miserable! I realise you might not want a low key wedding but you need to have a serious discussion about what you both want.

AmpleMoose · 14/09/2024 22:06

OP, it's unfair of you to expect him to get excited r.e. wedding plan if he just wants a small do. Equally, he shouldn't be stonewalling you by acting like a petulant child.
You BOTH need to discuss and agree on your budget + vision for the wedding.

Seriously. If I were you I wouldn't be marrying him if he can't even do this simple thing.

Octopies · 14/09/2024 22:12

The shitting on your suggestions part is out of order, have you agreed on a budget? I get wanting to keep things low key, I've always prefered the idea of an intimate wedding with a handful of people to say vows, but that shouldn't rule out some sort of larger celebration afterwards.

I do think if you're the one wanting something bigger, the onus is on you to do the research and planning.

TiramisuThief · 14/09/2024 22:21

I think you need to properly discuss what you both want for your wedding day.

If he truly wants a simple day - register office, a few guests, a restaurant meal then it's unreasonable to expect him to be excited about a bigger thing involving a wedding venue, photographer, sit down meal, cake, disco etc

You both need to decide what your non negotiable elements are and come to a compromise.

It's totally normal to be worried about the spiralling costs of a wedding. But if it's taking the shine off it for you he needs to know that and do some work to offer his own suggestions.

ttcat37 · 14/09/2024 22:31

lookpar · 14/09/2024 18:44

@ComtesseDeSpair he would just get married and go for a meal with family only if it was his choice

Sounds like your ideas of a perfect wedding are very different. His choice would be perfect for me (without the family meal!)
What makes your perfect wedding more important than his?

Mountainpika · 14/09/2024 22:44

We had a very small wedding. Register office, immediate family, and half a dozen friends. Meal at a restaurant. No honeymoon, just went back home that evening. Yes, the wedding was small. And totally stress-free, minimal planning.
An important day for us, though, which we still remember very well 50 years later.

WhereTheHeckAreMyGlasses · 14/09/2024 22:49

lookpar · 14/09/2024 18:44

@ComtesseDeSpair he would just get married and go for a meal with family only if it was his choice

It’s a perfectly legitimate choice, and one which worked for us - my side would have been massive and DH’s tiny, and neither of us wanted a big wedding anyway, so we had parents and our siblings for a tiny wedding in a posh hotel, and a lovely meal in the same venue afterwards, before going off on honeymoon that afternoon. It was the wedding we wanted and the perfect start of our marriage, which is now over 20 years old.

The wedding has to reflect what you both want. It should be a very happy day, so try to accommodate both your wishes so that it is that for both of you.

AmpleMoose · 15/09/2024 00:52

WhereTheHeckAreMyGlasses · 14/09/2024 22:49

It’s a perfectly legitimate choice, and one which worked for us - my side would have been massive and DH’s tiny, and neither of us wanted a big wedding anyway, so we had parents and our siblings for a tiny wedding in a posh hotel, and a lovely meal in the same venue afterwards, before going off on honeymoon that afternoon. It was the wedding we wanted and the perfect start of our marriage, which is now over 20 years old.

The wedding has to reflect what you both want. It should be a very happy day, so try to accommodate both your wishes so that it is that for both of you.

Show quote history

Yep. DH and I didn't really want a whole wedding. But family insisted.
So we did a small wedding with 30 guests and afternoon tea. Minimal extra decorations (it was a historic venue so already well furnished). Afternoon tea caterer made our wedding cake.
Started at 1 done by 5 everyone went home after that. Job done.

OP registry office and meal is obviously very basic, if you want a 'traditional' wedding with white dress, pretty venue etc you could do a mini one.

Obviously finances are most important here if you don't have 20K to drop on massive wedding it's a no go anyway

Edingril · 15/09/2024 01:04

Why does it have be a 'wedding' why not a ceremony and a simple meal at a place

Wedding talk is really boring unless you are into a wedding even for the bride and groom sometimes

octaurpus · 15/09/2024 01:22

DH and I eloped. There was still quite a bit of admin, which I mostly did. But he was really into it - we chose vows together, sorted a gorgeous place to stay in the Lake District for a week (easy to get to Gretna Green from there). I'd gone to get posh elopement cards made from Smythson. Went and bought a nice outfit with my best friend. We still had to provide birth certificates etc. While it wasn't a traditional wedding, it still took a bit of organising. And DH was completely involved.

We hosted a formal meal with DH's family post- wedding. And had a party with my family later on (another country).

It is so much easier if you're both on the same page about how you want to do this. Maybe talk about what he wants, and what you want and go from there.

Toddlerteaplease · 15/09/2024 09:16

sunsetsandboardwalks · 14/09/2024 18:54

DH and I were both like this about our wedding - we just wanted to be married, neither of us cared about all the fuss.

We basically did what you say your DH wanted to do - a tiny ceremony with just our parents, followed by afternoon tea and then we had a night in a hotel afterwards, plus champagne and breakfast the next day.

Not everyone cares about a wedding and everything that comes with it. It's not wrong to just want to get married and be done with it.

That sounds perfect!

Elphame · 15/09/2024 09:21

lookpar · 14/09/2024 18:44

@ComtesseDeSpair he would just get married and go for a meal with family only if it was his choice

That’s how I felt.

My mother and godfather organised the whole thing. I only had to sort out my ring and dress. DP sorted out his best man and suit hire and that was it. They did the rest.

The amount of emotional energy (and money) some people expend on weddings astounds me.

Tagyoureit · 15/09/2024 09:33

So what kind of wedding do you want?

If he said he wants a quiet wedding and you're planning a wedding with 15 bridesmaids, doves and marching band costing the earth then you're obviously both on different pages.

How far have you actually got with planning is anything booked and paid for yet? If not, then have an honest conversation with him about what he thinks the wedding should be and tell him what you'd like and see where you can both compromise so that you're both happy with the wedding.

Also, who is paying for the wedding? You don't need to bankrupt yourself for a wedding.

FinallyHere · 15/09/2024 10:53

Which option would you prefer, getting married to him in the way he would prefer or the full works that you are planning with someone else?

Take your time to really think about that one.

This is very likely a mirror to how the rest of your life will be. Use this time wisely to set the tone for the rest of your life together.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page