To expect a morsel of excitement about our wedding

[lookpar]

We got engaged the start of the year, currently planning our wedding for next year but honestly I am just so buzz killed by it.

So far we've had a few arguments because of it, mainly me being annoyed at how unbothered he is.

His input has been, moaning at costs, saying we cant afford xyz, saying he doesn't care who comes or doesn't, he's done probably about 30mins of googling combined and only because I've been saying he's leaving it all to me.

I really just don't even want to plan it anymore it's so so unexciting now for me.

AIBU, i know this is mainly for the woman and she takes the lead but he has been so crap!

Even if he was just like let's do whatever you want (within reason) that would be better, but so far she just sh*ts on any idea and doesn't want to talk about it unless basically forced.

Have you been together years? Have you got kids?

Then you can't really blame him for being less than enthusiastic about what I presume is now a large and expensive wedding. I'm on his side, I'm afraid. Anyone who wants a big and expensive party should definitely not marry me as I will not be enthused about it, want to plan it of pay for it.

I was the opposite and would have happily eloped but DH and mum were so excited about the whole event and he happily helped with all the arrangements - I think the tasting lunch was his fave though

You have very different ideas about your wedding day. Women often have the Big Day sold to them as something to aspire to in a way that men often don’t, so it’s not surprising that there can be tension over it.

You’ve already mentioned that you know what he’d be happy with, but in a way that came across as quite derisive*, but you are upset that he moans about your vision of a wedding. I think you need to sit down and both talk about what you want and what’s important to you without being upset at the other’s perspective. Then come to some sort of compromise that tries to give you both a bit of what’s most important to you. And if you can’t do that, you probably shouldn’t be getting married.

*I appreciate tone can be hard to gauge online, so if I’m wrong about that, I apologise and it may make the rest less relevant.

This. Team groom here.

have a big fancy splurge on your hen and a downscale wedding. something small is much easier to plan

So you know why he is not excited.

Because you both have very different ideas of how the wedding should be.

You want it one way and expect him to be excited. He is going along with what you want. But to expect him to be excited when it’s the opposite of his idea of what a good day would be, is unrealistic.

and since money spent will impact both of you, expecting him to be excited about the day being the opposite of what he wants and costing a lot is silly.

is the really no compromise? A small wedding with a meal and a party at another time? Or something along those lines?

I knew a wonderful couple who ended up splitting up after 13 years because they couldn’t agree about their wedding. The man had reservations about a huge destination wedding (his parents were acrimoniously divorced and couldn’t be in the same room together, his family would have struggled to afford getting there, etc) and wanted something low key in a registry office, whereas the woman felt she was entitled to ‘her day’ just the way she wanted it, and anything less meant he didn’t love her enough.

It was very sad - they both ended up with partners they were much less suited to in the end, all because they couldn’t decide on a wedding that worked for them both.

Try to talk with him about it - his feelings and concerns matter too.

He sounds like he wants to be married.

You sound like you want a wedding.

It’s ok that he doesn’t want to spend lots of money or spend hours looking at centre pieces or napkin colours.

Well this would be me too. So I guess you need a conversation, and some compromise on both sides

That would be my choice too. I guess you’re going to have to find a middle ground that you can both feel enthusiastic about.

My son (who isn’t getting married) has said when he does he’d like it as small, simple and unfussy as possible so your fiancé isn’t unusual.

Just make sure you’re not putting all the focus on a wedding and forgetting there’s a marriage too.

Why isn't it his choice? He's getting married just as much as you are. Why do you get the overriding vote?

Whose idea was it to get married? Do you have children? Who’s paying for the wedding?

Your idea isn’t better than his, it’s different. Compromise isn’t you getting your day and him having to pretend it’s what he wants.

I’ve had two weddings, smaller was better and the marriage is in a different league. I know a couple who were still paying their extravaganza off when the divorce came through. She wanted a stately home instafest yet was cheating within months.

I also know people who’ve had fantasy weddings and are still happy decades later, they’re often great to attend as a guest, but the correlation between expensive do and short lived marriage rings true in my experience.

Why don't you both elope?
It may be more cost effective.

And that is what a lot of people do. My daughter and her husband did that just a few weeks ago. They have been together for 17 years, but a health scare prompted them to just tie the knot, because, as she said, the health scare made her realise that it was the marriage that really mattered and not the actual wedding, which they'd been putting off because she wanted a big party and there was always something else needing available funds. It was a lovely, lovely day.

Well, yes, then YABU.

He clearly wants something very different from what you seem to be arranging.
If he compromises to the extent of accepting much more fuss, much more expense, and much more organising than he wants his wedding to be, it does seem reasonable that he isn't also expected to put in the leg work.

I think this tells you what you need to know - DP wants minimal fuss - the just do it approach and you are planning an event i.e. plenty of guests, a full day etc. so are currently poles apart in expectations.

You need to sit down and have a proper conversation about what you both want and come to an agreement before you plan anything else or get hacked off with him because you keep putting ideas forward and he dismisses them all. Likely to be a compromise on both sides but unless you do, there may be no wedding and you become ex partners.

Wedding planning can become very stressful, but most of this stems from different expectations and ideas about what a wedding should be and little conversation to agree. Personally I would be more aligned with your partner’s idea of a small intimate wedding, something you will remember rather than a cast of “thousands” and all the latest must have themes and wedding stuff which actually means very little and won’t be remembered by your guests afterwards, and cost you a relative fortune.

I’m with him on this

That's your answer then: his idea of the wedding he wants is a ceremony and then family only meal. Expecting him to get excited about a bells and whistles thing that's the opposite of what he wants and that could cost fifteen times that seems silly to me.

If my DP wanted a big wedding and I wanted a small one, I would expect to actually compromise - not to just do what he wanted. If I somehow managed to be overruled, it would be unreasonable to expect me to contribute to planning it. Having to contribute to paying for it would be painful enough.

It wouldn't be my choice, but it's a valid preference

If that's what he would prefer, how do your plans trump his? It seems that he is the more level headed of the two!

Bridezilla alert

Big weddings are not for everyone and they can be very expensive. But the day belongs to both of you so worth seeing what he wants from it. Maybe look at the cost of a cheaper wedding vs cost of honeymoon.

What sort of wedding are you planning?

Luckily DH and I were on the same page when it came to wedding planning and we had a small unfussy wedding.