My DH is overly concerned about his colleague

[Yiu124]

My DH works in a stressful job. He often comes home offloading. He has a few peers at work he’s friendly enough, but lately, he’s become overly invested in his female peer work stresses. They are in stressful situations- I get it, and they offload. But they are chatting a lot. She checks some of his essential emails. I often overhear him telling her to look after herself, that he’s concerned about her, not to work late, and that she cheers him up. Is this normal? Corporate environment for context

It’s hard to arrange childcare where we are.

Pop the bubble he is in. Reality check.

This is the definition of an emotional affair.
An emotional affair is a non-sexual relationship involving a similar level of emotional intimacy and bonding as a romantic relationship. They usually begin as friendships and are usually characterized by a great deal of contact with one another, devoting a lot of time texting, emailing, or video calling this person, if you have some exciting news to share or you have had a particularly bad day, they are the person you call or text. You believe this person really “gets” you. Emotional affairs may begin with conversations about work and other topics but they often shift into more intimate details about your life, relationships, personal issues, and even your sex life.

From your post this is what your describing. You should be worried. Emotional affairs have nothing to do with actually being in the other person's presence but it can and nearly always moves into a physical affair or a collapse of a marriage. I would talk to husband and tell him you think he's investing too much of his emotional energy on her that should be on you and your children. That your not comfortable with it and would like him to scale back his interactions with her as its going to start harming your marriage. The ball is in his court then.

Because he is the one that is interested, she may not be. If attractive women went with every guy that fancies them, they’d be really busy.

Realistically how attractive is your dh. Because if he is not great to look at, I doubt she’ll go for it.

Did you post this a week or two ago. Its almost the exact same post except this time you have omitted that he tried talking about work to you but you don't want to listen?

Not me. I do listen about his work but obviously as person that has her own career and responsibilities, I can’t be there to listen all the time.

Honestly, he did let himself go since Covid

Affairs often occur in toxic workplaces. I’d be asking why she needs to check emails - is there pressure being applied on them?

The thing that rings a bell for me isn't so much that he is speaking to a colleague, it is that you have asked this question.

Do you want reassurance that this is a normal work relationship, because it isn't. Do you want reassurance that your husband would never jeopardise your marriage for a pretty younger woman, but he might?

Something in their relationship has changed and you feel it. That he tells you he is busy when talking to her sounds like he doesn't want you to hear their conversation. That you have asked him to stop and it has started up again is telling, who started it again, him or her?

Do you really want it to get to the stage where he is leaving the house for unexplained time away? Needing to be in the office more and more taking away time from his family all because of a colleague? Do you really want him to be risking his job over this because he is becoming stressed and is spending time away from work talking to a colleague?

The truth here is that your DH and his colleague do not have enough of a strong boundary to prevent this from becoming more than you think it is. He is risking an awful lot just to spend time with this woman whether that is on the phone or not.

Always listen to your body, you are asking a question because you know something is wrong.

You don't have to be attractive to have an emotional affair or sexual relationship with a better looking partner. A couple of times I've been punching way above my weight and vice versa. If you form a bond attraction can grow.

I've had plenty of male friends in the workplace but I've not been on the phoen to them for half an hour at a time crying about work and them telling me I cheer them up.

It could be a nascent emotional affair. You and dh need a discussion about boundaries.

I don’t believe he would do something that would lead him to lose us, his family. Some of the posts here are OTT.
There is some shift in their relationship, and I will sit down with him to address it.

You're being a bit unfair OP. You asked and therefore people have answered. If you genuinely had zero concerns, why post ?

I didn’t mean to come across that way. I appreciate everyone’s opinion here. It’s so hard to reconcile that my DH might be doing something that is risking his family.

Personally I would reconcile that thought if I was you. Don't you know that some of the nicest, most family orientated men dump their wives for new pastures? My DH was the last person on earth (or even in the whole galaxy) to have an affair. Seriously, I mean that. He was a lovely guy, introverted and liked "square" things like gardening and real ale. We even worked together, so very little scope for anything. It hit me like an express train when I found out. It was someone online. Never under estimate men's capacity for infidelity.

@Yiu124 Does the corporate industry he is in have rules about relationships between colleagues? Most do, so if that's the case I'd simply remind him not to be come too familiar in his language & relationship with x colleague, as this could have repercussions if others notice.

Unfortunately, there’s been too many threads on mn, whereby the poster has said that they never thought it would be happening to them.

Yes, the dh can maintain that he’s a family man, would never cheat etc, especially after seeing parents divorce , but things change, words are cheap.

In one year, I saw three couples separate, all of which seemed very couple- y, the couples you’d least expect to bc separate. one couple had been together since school, another were always doing things together. Two of the three men now live with the affair partners, the third is separated.

I b also think that he’s not thinking about ‘risking the family’ as in his eyes, he’s just got a friendship. I didn’t know about emotional affairs to mumsnet, and many people are unaware of them. There’s a fine line between a platonic friendship and an emotional affair. .

You mentioned he doesn’t have many friends and is an introvert. An attractive colleague is showing a genuine interest in him, his thoughts and opinions and he has probably never experienced this before. Maybe he is socially awkward and doesn’t realise that he is crossing boundaries. Talk to him, tell him how it is making you feel. Or…I am over optimistic and naive and he is loving the attention and feeling of being needed that he is willing to take risks.
Either way, you need a discussion with him.

He’s not socially awkward. He’s successful at his job, which includes managing business relationships…

I have no idea. He told me she helps him sometimes with difficult emails, some work drama, etc. It doesn't sound so odd—my colleagues and I do that, too.

Reading all your posts op I think he is having an emotional affair. Even if you think they ‘are being good colleagues’ - what on earth makes you think this kind of intrusive behaviour is ok in a professional setting? IMO it’s not. If she is married I wonder how her husband feels about her talking like this to your DH! Come on - this isn’t ok. Trust your instinct. If it wasnt an issue I don’t think you would have made the thread. It’s crossing a boundary for you 100%.

Really depends on the person. I have a stressful job and speak like this to my male colleagues because they're like family. Never ever been anything in it and I really do see them in a brother category and same for them with me. For context we are all in our 30s and objectively attractive, nice people so nothing off-putting as such we just don't go there. Hope this helps as a perspective x

Not a cat in hells chance would my husband ever jeopardise anything that would be pose a risk his family.

Found out he’d been having an affair with married woman at work for over 4 years.
When I asked him what he thought would happen if ever I found out, he told me he truly believed that I would never ever find out !!!!
‘I wish you all the best.
Its the worst pain in the world.

You can be 100% certain there is no romance /sexual interest from you to him.

You have no idea whether it's true the other way.