My DH is overly concerned about his colleague

[Yiu124]

My DH works in a stressful job. He often comes home offloading. He has a few peers at work he’s friendly enough, but lately, he’s become overly invested in his female peer work stresses. They are in stressful situations- I get it, and they offload. But they are chatting a lot. She checks some of his essential emails. I often overhear him telling her to look after herself, that he’s concerned about her, not to work late, and that she cheers him up. Is this normal? Corporate environment for context

I have that male friend - he is very protective and caring of me. Sometimes he hugs me. We have shared some very personal things but there is zero romance / sexual interest in either direction. The difference though to your husband's situation is my friend has lots of female friends and he would behave in a similar way to his other female friends.

What does she look like?

The back end of a bus I'm guessing not

Yeah whilst it may be nothing I think it a a bit of a funny one. I wouldn’t like it personally.

Get a job and your own money.

Why are you not independent in life?

Men will never give you what you need.

Sounds like he's just being nice to a colleague. However if this is a constant issue rather than just an occasional blow off steam thing then she could be making a damsel in distress play for him. He may suddenly find himself faced with a very interested woman who may not like being rejected. I'm not saying the colleague is doing that but it is a possibility if she has found a willing ear.

That could put you and your DH in a precarious position professionally and personally, he really needs to consider how it could affect his worklife and homelife. Also it is entirely unfair for your DH to have to put up with her stresses. If it is down to work she needs to get a hold of herself and talk to those who can actually do something about it. If it's private life stuff your DH should signpost her away from him and be less available for her. It cannot be helping him hearing about her problems morning noon and night. It won't stop without him doing something she won't stop leaning on him without him setting a proper boundaries.

Ask him to stop it now as it's not doing him any good and it's affecting you (it may not feel like it but you have asked the question), he isn't helping her unless he is offering her professional advice and is qualified to do so. She needs real advice not a sympathetic ear if this is going on frequently.

Atypical Behaviors for Him:
+Over-frequent contact with OW
+Confiding and mutual support
+Overt concern for her well-being
+Carte blanche availability
+Mentionitis

@Yiu124, your H has opened a window to this colleague and boundaries are blurring. They are gaining a huge amount of mutual validation from their Rescuer/Damsel dynamic, which has led to increasing emotional intimacy and reliance. It sounds like she is always on his mind, and an EA is developing in plain sight.

In Not Just Friends, Dr. Shirley Glass describes how primary relationships are threatened and damaged when a partner weakens his/her boundaries and channels an abundance of emotional energy into a third party, resulting in an emotional affair or more. Both of you should read it.

Be proactive in expressing your valid discomfort, @Yiu124. Your H is playing with fire on a dangerous path. Feeling needed is naturally flattering and gratifying, but their dynamic is too close and interaction too intense for a married man. A serious discussion is warranted regarding keeping strong boundaries in general and with OW in particular. He needs to understand that he has much to lose if he doesn’t rein it in asap and keep a healthy distance.

Sorry if I didn’t make it clear. He confides in her and offload his work issues as much she’s to him. He offloads to her a lot.
Is she good looking - yes.

I have my own job.

Thank you. I will bring it up to him again. I did once before, and he listened to me. The contact stopped for a while, but it has geared up a lot lately.

You sound pretty naive op.
Just because he wfh doesn't mean a there's nothing going on.

Is there a big age gap? Maybe he is being fatherly / paternal towards her? If not, it could be the woman is an oversharer. I am like that and men at work have been kind and felt sorry for me in the past. It wasn’t a romantic thing, more a protective thing because I was going through really hard times and leant on them a bit in terms of them listening to my problems. You can get close at work because you spend a lot of time together and have work things in common.

Hmm. He appeared to respect your feelings, but the distancing was short-lived and now their contact has ramped up. He likely missed the KISA gratification and has made it his priority. His disregard of you speaks volumes.

@Yiu124, there’s a 3rd person in your marriage and you don’t have to tolerate that.

They are peers but think younger than him.

I agree. @Yiu124, you say he ‘comes home’ and offloads/talks about OW’s stressful week, so he is out of the house some of the time. A reasonable assumption is they can easily have alone-time together during lunch or before/after work.

This would get on my nerves.

Yes this, or Doris in her 50s from Accounts.

Yep, feel like I’ve seen many threads identical to this one, and it’s never some struggling middle-aged male colleague who suddenly and inexplicably becomes the focus of their interest and obsessive concern, and gets an open invitation to call at nights and weekends!

Funnily enough, it always seems to be younger women who bring out the hero in them (even though it’s usually portrayed as ‘mutually supportive’) - and there’s always people on here rushing to explain it away as him being ‘fatherly’ or ‘caring’.

Sorry, OP, but I can almost guarantee the thoughts and feelings your DH is developing towards this colleague are not remotely ‘fatherly’, no matter how much he may try to kid himself, and you.

Are the discussions all happening in work time or have they fed into none work time? Chats after work would be a red flag for me.

When my EXH had mentionitis it turned out to be an affair. He started booking odd half days off, coming home late, taking calls in his car or walking out of the room, sudden interest in buying new clothes. Textbook.

^ sadly this was my thought as well.
WFH doesn't stop an emotional affair developing or infatuation or love. Hopefully not , only you will know if he's a genuinely lovely and caring man who manages female friends without getting romantically invested, but I'd be wary.

I'd love to believe that the majority of men can be caring, kind and not at all interested sexually. However, you've mentioned that he's never been like this before with colleagues, however miraculously now an attractive female colleague needs support he's game for that role....

Id definitely be wary,

I do the same with a colleague but the other way round. His mental health is shaky sometimes (he's also a bit negative) and needs to feel supported.

I don't tell him he cheers me up though. He certainly doesn't!
I'm 20 years older than him and not remotely interested.

I wonder where that phrase comes from?

Is it the shape? Big bum?

If he is in a stressful role, where he needs to unload to you, he shouldn't be taking on her stresses too, that is unhealthy. I am not staying he should offer no support, but it sounds a bit OTT.

I think the reality is that men can sometimes feel a little more over protective towards women than men. If a male colleague was having a tough time he'd probably be supportive but in a more hands off way. When it's a woman he's probably being a little softer in his communication because he's been socialised to communicate to women in a more gentle way.
Let's be honest, if he started saying to another bloke "You take care of yourself. I'm worried about you" then everyone would take the piss and think it's weird. It's just not how blokes talk to each other in this country.
So yes, it's natural he'd speak to a woman differently. Of course, he might fancy her, but he also might not!