My DH is overly concerned about his colleague

[Yiu124]

My DH works in a stressful job. He often comes home offloading. He has a few peers at work he’s friendly enough, but lately, he’s become overly invested in his female peer work stresses. They are in stressful situations- I get it, and they offload. But they are chatting a lot. She checks some of his essential emails. I often overhear him telling her to look after herself, that he’s concerned about her, not to work late, and that she cheers him up. Is this normal? Corporate environment for context

But could this all be two supportive colleagues?
I am not trying to be naive, but he’s always at home, doesn’t go to the office often, doesn’t travel for work, and doesn't stay late. They talk a lot, and yes, that’s a bit odd for him, but I don’t see this materialising. She’s married, too. Yes, we spoke about this once before, but he’s constantly being honest that he values her support. If I try to ban him now, he might just start to be dishonest with me.

From experience, I would nip this in the bud now and tell him the confiding, long chats/calls need to stop. This is a slippery slope, the next thing will be more personal chats, flirting etc.

Genuinely how do you think most affairs begin if not through a friendship like this that slowly, unconsciously crossly the line?

I have a friend at work and I talk to him like this. There is absolutely nothing in it. My DH doesn’t care either. He’s being a friend

But that’s what I think. Yes, a few odd comments like she cheers him up and he’s there for her, but friendship could just be that.
Or am I naive? Why is he so invested?

But what’s crossing the line? I have close male friends at work, and we discuss all kinds of personal stuff. OK, I don’t tell them they cheer me up or I am so worried about them.

That’s the point OP. He wouldn’t be saying this to someone who wasn’t female and attractive/younger would he?

Fair enough. They have been working together for years now, and maybe he’s just been a good colleague to her as she supported him over the years. I don’t know. I am just trying to rationalise his behaviour. He’s not sneaking for any calls or talking about her this weekend for instance.

I’ve had this a lot in my paternalistic workplace. Most of the time it is just genuine care for a colleague, but I agree it has the potential to be a slippery slope.

I think there is a difference between supporting your colleagues, and being the main source of emotional support for one specific colleague. If it's about a specific one off issue then that's maybe OK (say she is going through a tribunal and he has experience in that area) but otherwise, its never a good idea to get your main source of emotional support, from someone outside the marriage as its replacing a role that's meant to be within the marriage. The worrying thing for me would be that he isn't like this in general, he isn't the go to person for support and advice, so this is out of the norm for him. If he was that generous with his support in general it wouldn't be raising any red flags. But they are investing massively in each other

And also, infidelity risks aside, it's not a healthy or productive use of work time and headspace. Fine to offer a bit off support but if someone is using up a lot of your time and energy then they need politely redirecting. Ideally to a trained counsellor.

And I say that as someone who was pretty much burnt out after being constantly sought out to support a colleague who found everything stressful.

I am being transparent now: I think he’s leaving on her more than she’s on him. Over the years, it felt like that. And frankly, I didn’t mind. I am busy with my work, kids, and my issues. It felt like a supportive and respectful relationship. But what’s off now is that she’s heavily leaning on him, and he’s taking it on himself to be there for her big time. Maybe he feels indebted to her as she was there for him. As everyone said, it’s a fine line - but the offers of calling anytime she wants, or she cheers him up are OTT.

Something has changed then on her side. Perhaps she is having marital troubles or other stressors within her family

I’d be concerned if he was investing too much energy into another colleague.

I don’t know about that and I don’t want to be asking.

I don’t blame you. It’s a horrible position to be in. You don’t want to be giving it any more oxygen than needed and risk making it become a thing if it isn’t already one.

Yeah, unfortunately, this is how I feel, too.
I am hoping it will fade soon as, frankly, we have a good marriage, and he has always been there for me.

I just don’t get what changed with him to act like this. I will speak to him to get his views.

Yes, exactly. He might have feelings for her…but the chances of acting on those are slim. He adores his children. His parents separated, and he always said he would never do anything to break up his family. So that’s why I am “relaxed” about it.

Does he have many friends? Is she perhaps filling a social gap of being someone he can chat to that isn’t you? We all need someone else to vent and offload to. A lot of men find this difficult - even to each other - but it’s easier to speak with a woman as they are generally more empathetic and listen etc.

No, he doesn’t have many friends.

It’s a bit more difficult then, but also perhaps more understandable. I’d say maybe encourage him in a hobby, but that could open a whole new can of worms depending on what it is - if it eats into the wknd etc, but it sounds like he could do with expanding his social circle?

Is there a dads social group at your kids school on WhatsApp or something - do they get together locally at all do you know?

He works Long hours, so when he's not working, he prioritises the children and spends time with them. He wouldn’t want to miss out on the kids. He’s an introvert, too, and only gels with some people.

Perhaps he could socialise one evening a week/month when they are in bed or take up a hobby that involves the children so he could meet other parents. Regardless, it would take up more of his time that could be spent wondering if work colleague is alright etc and chatting on phone? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Maybe the two of you could start a hobby together