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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"Can you just pick this up from the shop on your way back?"

95 replies

Justaskingabitofadvice · 13/09/2024 15:56

My husband is always asking me to pick things up from the shop for him. On the surface of it, sounds like a completely reasonable request, but I find myself getting irritated, because:

he's usually home
I'm the one who leaves the house more (work, stuff with our child), which means I'm already doing something
it is SO often I feel there are very few times I can just come straight home from work/child's activity.

I know that he sees it as I'm already out, so why not just fit in this extra task. Whereas in my mind, he is at home, with more time on his hands as there's no commute, and I'm already the one doing more out of the home activities.

Anyway, I'm genuinely curious as to whether my slight irritation at this is weird or not.

I also do struggle a bit with changing my plans, so that might have something to do with it too.

Would this irritate you?

OP posts:

Beansandneedles · 13/09/2024 19:21

Justaskingabitofadvice · 13/09/2024 19:08

Thanks everyone for your opinions, I was really genuinely interested in whether other people would mind or not. I find it fascinating that some of our brains work so differently.

To people giving advice on how to deal with it, thanks, you're very kind. Honestly I don't have an issue saying no to him, or talking to him about it. It wasn't so much a "help me deal with this" as a "would being asked annoy you".

Appreciate all the responses!

Ah fair enough!! Think what is annoying is super personal. I get annoyed by the most inane things sometimes and then other things don't bother me in the slightest. Same with DH. He's the most chilled man on earth until I put a kitchen knife into the dishwasher....

Gwenhwyfar · 13/09/2024 19:32

knittingdad · 13/09/2024 16:00

Do you live in a city, or a rural area?

We used to live in a city, and I can see how this would be annoying in a city, where a shop is only ever going to be a short walk away.

But now we live in a rural area, and the nearest shop is nearly five miles away, so it's just a practical expedient.

I live in a city and find it much easier to go to the shop on my way home from work. From home it's a return trip if you see what I mean.

Leafcutterantsarecool · 13/09/2024 19:34

That would drive me nuts. In general I’m organised - I plan ahead for what we need for the week and I don’t see a need to pop to shops for things all the time.

I’m willing to pick up a prescription for a suddenly ill child or other important and urgent things that can’t be foreseen, but in general if DH just fancies a chocolate bar or we need blu tac to put up a poster or something then I expect him to either shop himself (four supermarkets in a five minute radius) or just add it to the shopping list for the next time an actual shopping trip happens.

There’s not much we can’t live without, all meal ingredients will have been bought in the main food shop and the house is well stocked with essentials. If I’m out it’s because I’m doing something - replying to messages, detouring to a shop, parking, going in, going out, driving back where I was going is no easier for me than it is for him to just go from our house. If it’s not worth his while going himself for the item then it’s not worth bothering me for!

pinkyredrose · 13/09/2024 19:35

LouH5 · 13/09/2024 18:33

Oh OP, I am with you on this!

Im out the house from 7.30-5 (Inc a 45min commute each way) every day. And my job is very non stop, on my feet, I tend to work through lunch breaks etc.
In comparison my partner works 8.30-4.30, from home. He has an hour lunch break that he doesn’t work through.

And he does this to me!
I will take this moment to say he usually does our weekly food shop. We have a shared shopping list app that we both add to as and when, and he usually does a big shop for us on a Friday when he’s finished work. He gets everything for the weekend, and the following week.
But then there will sometimes be the odd weekday where I’ll get a text saying “I’ve just added a few bits to the shared list that we need, are you okay to pop in to Tesco on the way home and grab them?” And it REALLY irks me. The shopping is his job, (I do my fair share of chores, before anyone jumps on that!) and I just think ‘ffs I’m already out of the house for nine and a half hours a day, with no “proper” break, Inc one and a half hours of crappy rush hour driving, whilst he has no commute and only works 7 hours with a nice long break in the middle and no commute or anything. Would it really kill him to pop to Tesco himself, which is a five min drive down the road? If he did that when he finished at 4.30, he’d still be home by 5, which is still so much earlier than me!
But it’s definitely that mentality of “you’re already out so it’s easier for you,” and it really annoys ne so, OP, I am so with you!

You need to stop working through your lunchbreaks, it's not healthy

PayYourselfFirst · 13/09/2024 19:39

I cycle to work and DH got in the habit ON HIS DAY OFF of asking me to get milk/ bread etc on my way home.
So fully waterproofed up with panniers of work stuff he expected me to stop,lock my bike, remove my lights and panniers, trot in, get milk, replace lights, panniers, unlock bike .
I asked him if his legs had stopped working as there is a shop 2 minutes walk from our house
Best of all I'm allergic to milk !

RosieLeo · 13/09/2024 19:39

YANBU
It would irritate me too, if it were a regular occurrence.
When he asks again and you are out, you could say 'Sorry, I'm not going to be passing the shops, and I'm just coming straight home later as I've had a busy day....'
If he needs it that much, let him get it himself.

LouH5 · 13/09/2024 19:39

pinkyredrose · 13/09/2024 19:35

You need to stop working through your lunchbreaks, it's not healthy

Show quote history

My lunch break is 45mins and if I didn’t work through it, it means staying in work 45mins later in the evening, so I’d much rather work through lunch. I’m a teacher, and love my job. In my thread I wasn’t complaining about how much work I do, (I never take work home evenings and weekends like a lot of other teachers, so I’m happy enough with my work life balance) but just comparing to my boyfriend who works less hours in a day, yet still wants me to go to the shops for him.

Awrite · 13/09/2024 19:41

It wouldn't upset me because dh wouldn't do it. He gets that my commute is a pita and he's a perfectly capable adult who can (and does) nip to the shop himself.

He doesn't see me as his servant.

You have every right to be annoyed.

winterwarmer8274 · 13/09/2024 20:13

I would hate this OP.

My exDP used to do this to me, but the other way round because I WFH so 'I could just get it on my lunch break / it would be nice for me to go for a walk'. The shop was 15 minutes walk away, so not exactly close.

So no exDP, I don't want to do that on my lunch break.

It would mainly annoy me because I would have gone to the shops the day before and asked if he wanted anything and he'd say no. The the next day he'd be wanting me to go to the shops again, acting like I was being unreasonable for saying no because 'it wasn't a big ask'.

We had a big discussion about it though and he stopped after that.

AGoingConcern · 13/09/2024 20:36

He’s not unreasonable to ask but you’re certainly not unreasonable to dislike it happening so often.

Talk to him. Explain how you’re often just looking forward to getting home at the end of the outing and it ends up feeling like an aggravation, and that it’s even more of a faff if your have one or more children with you - you can say all this without it being about him doing something wrong or making you feel a certain way. Ask him to either be more proactive by making requests ahead of time so you can plan it into your days/weeks or go out himself. In return, offer to give him a heads up when you are going to the store (or happy to do so if needed) so he can “submit” his requests then when you’re already there.

TimetoPour · 13/09/2024 20:37

I sometimes ask DH to pop to the shop on his way home because
a) I have the kids to deal with
b) dog to walk
c) dinner to cook
d) it is urgent (ie. Needed for dinner that I am part way through cooking or breakfast /packed lunches the next day)
e) he drives past the shop on his way home

If it was for a bar of chocolate because I fancied a snickers or just changed my mind about dinner despite having other options in the house, I would expect him to be pissy and say no. I would also expect him to say no if it was easier for me to do it- but it isn’t!

You wouldn’t feel salty if he wasn’t taking the piss.

pontipinemum · 13/09/2024 20:43

I've read your updates sorry if I missed it.

If the child with you is old enough to stay in the car or is easy to get out I wouldn't mind.

If like me you have a 2 Yr old and a 6 week old. No sorry I'm not stopping the car.

Before baby no 2 though I did a hobby weekly I wouldn't mind popping in on my way home then. Alone when it's easy. We do live about 5km from town though so it's a trek if you're at home and fancy something small.

We did live in a city for a while and I walked by the shop on the way home. I wouldn't have minded that either. I would have minded if it was out of the way

AGoingConcern · 13/09/2024 20:50

You wouldn’t feel salty if he wasn’t taking the piss.

Having an unpleasant feeling - irritation, frustration, sadness, guilt, embarrassment, etc - absolutely does not automatically mean someone else is at fault or has wronged us. Trying to reduce every minor friction in a relationship into a good guy/ bad guy binary isn’t helpful.

Girlgoneinternational · 13/09/2024 21:11

We have an unwritten rule that whoever has DC doesn't make extra stop offs. So if I was heading home from work on my own, I'd be more than happy to call in at the shop. If I was out and about with DC, DH wouldn't even ask, he'd just pop out himself.

AboutVattime · 13/09/2024 21:11

I think it has more to do with being rural or city dwelling..

I live rurally.. and am
Unbelievably pissed off when DH or kids ask for a pick up as it adds at least 30 mins to the journey.

Kdubs1981 · 13/09/2024 22:14

Just say no and tell him to do it himself?

StrangerOnThePlane · 13/09/2024 22:30

It doesn't bother me when my partner asks and I also do this to my partner all the time too.

If you're bothered, then you'll need to say something to him. I find it easier to add on a trip to the shop when I'm already out though so maybe he just presumes the same ax it's not an issue to everyone.

AbraAbraCadabra · 13/09/2024 22:34

I think if you are sorry out and about, you might as will just grab whatever it is on your way. But if it's very out if your way on the way home then maybe you have a point. My DH passes a shop on his way home so I'm always asking him to grab something when passing. He doesn't mind.

Dutch1e · 13/09/2024 22:44

I'm a SAHP and often ask DH to pick something up that I've forgotten.

Mostly he says yes and when he doesn't feel like it he says no. Like your situation, it's not far for me to nip out and pick it up.

A question is just a question, you can answer yes or no.

It would be different if I was sitting on my arse all day and relying on DH to fill an 'operational role' that I could easily manage alone. Is that what's happening here?

fizzymizzy · 13/09/2024 22:46

Would this irritate you?

I would just say no if I was bothered by the request. I wouldn't spend any time being irritated.

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