"Can you just pick this up from the shop on your way back?"

[Justaskingabitofadvice]

My husband is always asking me to pick things up from the shop for him. On the surface of it, sounds like a completely reasonable request, but I find myself getting irritated, because:

• he's usually home
• I'm the one who leaves the house more (work, stuff with our child), which means I'm already doing something
• it is SO often I feel there are very few times I can just come straight home from work/child's activity.

I know that he sees it as I'm already out, so why not just fit in this extra task. Whereas in my mind, he is at home, with more time on his hands as there's no commute, and I'm already the one doing more out of the home activities.

Anyway, I'm genuinely curious as to whether my slight irritation at this is weird or not.

I also do struggle a bit with changing my plans, so that might have something to do with it too.

Would this irritate you?

Point out that it would be a really good idea for him to do it in his lunch break so he takes a proper break from work and can kill two things in one.

Get him to substitute ‘please’ for just…..

Give him a chore in exchange, every time.

"Sure, I'll pick up some milk. Whilst I'm doing that, you can clean the downstairs toilet and replace the towel with a clean one."

"You want chocolate? No problem; I'll grab that whilst you do the recycling."

"Yoghurt? Absolutely. The bed sheets need changing, so pop the dirty ones in the wash and replace with clean ones from the drawer. See you at home."

Everyone is a winner 👍

Yes.
It drives me insane.

I am infuriated by the phrase “can you just..” because it is invariably used to ask people who are already busy with something else, usually unrelated, to add it to their tasks.
Or it is used at work by a manager for additional workload, unrecorded in supervision. It is meant to signify that it is a small matter, which will not take up much time. This is bullshit.
It is sometimes used by DPs, to intercept people on their way home at the end of a busy working day, thereby adding a completely new layer of work and time.

Grrrr.

What am I missing, why can't he go and get whatever it is he wants?

It sounds like you feel like he doesn't pull his weight in general. It would annoy me if I was asked every time I went out though!

I had a former flatmate who would ask little things like that, we figured out in the end she just wanted attention and didn't actually want little things like a tin of tomatoes or to check her hair straightener was off.

I'd get in first and ask him to 'just' get xyz. See what his reaction is.
But in all honesty, I'd probably just say no, you get it.
Have a word with him, tell him that just sometimes, you want to come straight home.

I don't think that he doesn't pull his weight, though it may have come across that way in this thread. The relevant bit is that he doesn't do as much "out of the house" stuff as me. He does other stuff, but obvs this bit hinges on me already doing stuff when I'm out and about.

DH does this too - we are very rural and a Tesco trip is probably 12 miles round trip but still! Fair enough on my way home from work (I pass about 4 supermarkets) but when I'm out meeting friends it really winds me up.

You and me both! In his mind I think he thinks it's easier for me as I'm already doing something. Some others in the thread agree with him!

Whereas I think, I'm already doing something so don't ask me to do something else as well!

I work next door to a supermarket if he messages before I leave I don't mind nipping in.if I've set off its tough.

I just say I didn't see it.

My ex-H used to do this when we lived in London, just off a high street. He'd ask where I was going, I'd say to wherever in a northerly direction and he'd say 'can you pop into such & such and get me this thing'. But the destination would always be in the opposite direction from where I was going. Drove me potty.

I hate this but my DH isn't bothered by it at all when it's the other way round. I think it's because our 3 closest convenience shops all have awful parking. I get stressed out by it but he doesn't. If he asks me for something on my way home I'll often drive to a bigger shop with proper parking a couple of miles up the road.

Counter the request, everytime he does it, ask him to do something, put the washing in, take the rubbish out, get the dinner ready, iron a dress, ANYTHING.

When he points it out, say you were doing it to highlight how many times he asks you to do tasks.

This wouldn't bother me, but there are other similar examples of imbalances within my relationship which have bothered me in the past. Can't help how you feel, bunch of internet randoms saying whether it would or wouldn't work for them isn't going to change that it isn't working for you. I'm sure if you two chat it out there's a middle ground to be found xx

OP, does he WFH? If not, why can’t he “just” pick these things up on his way? Or if he does WFH, as others have said, he should go a walk and get them.

This would irritate me if it wasn't a one off.
If it involved a detour with children, it wouldn't happen.
My husband has more cop on not to do this.
Start ignoring him and asking him to do more.
Yanbu.

I think it would depend on the ease of parking for you to “just” nip in and get something. Also if the children who are with you are of an age that can be left in the car. If you have to haul toddlers out to do it then it would be a flat no.

It slightly hints to me that he thinks he/his time is more important than you/yours and that you are there to service his needs….

I don't get that logic at all but am always keen to get home. So being asked to pop to the shop frequently would annoy me.

It annoys me. Happened twice this week. What annoys me further is if I miss the message it becomes my task to get the item which is never something I need - I can sort myself out.
There are shops in walking distance in all directions from our house but I have to go out of my way in the car to get the requested common shop items. YANBU

This would really annoy me.

I wouldn’t mind if it was every now and then or if I’m going to the shop anyway but I wouldn’t make a special trip.

I would just say you’re not going to the shop today, even if you’re 2mins away.

If you plan to go to the shop then text and ask if he wants anything but don’t go if you weren’t planning to.

My mum quipped once, when I was hurrying round doing lots of things and stopping in between to do other tasks as they cropped up, like helping with doing up buttons or opening packaging, "if you want something doing ask a busy woman." Cue much taking deep breaths and counting to ten on my part.

Yes it would annoy me too OP. If he does all the work hour jobs like booking the dentist or trips to the post office then it might be less annoying. But still annoying.

He can use his brain cell not your time for a change.

XH would never call in to pick up stuff for me as too busy but wanted me to do it for him. Often it would be weird random stuff from the hardware shop that I had no idea about so I’d have to ring him and get him to speak to the bloke behind the counter.

Sometimes he’d go shopping on his way home for things he wanted for himself but would never ask whether I needed anything from the same supermarket as he “didn’t have time”.