To think this level of saving is extreme and I’m right to question it?

[ITru]

My DP earns 3,800 after tax. Although we live together he also owns a home and so our finances have always been separate and we just split food bills and heating for my place. Anyway…

it recently came to light that DP is saving 1,500 from an income of 3,800. He never asks me to sub him or anything so that’s not the issue… the issue is he has often said let’s go somewhere cheaper for dinner or let’s go abroad one less night etc. he’s always trying to cut costs. Now I know he’s saving this it’s really annoyed me. Like I say he does pay his way so that’s fine but I can’t understand why for example we went somewhere average for my birthday dinner recently or why we couldn’t have split the cost of a swanky hotel when we went away in summer rather than camping like we did!!

I know everyone has a different perspective on how to spend money and what to spend it on but AIBU to think this is extreme?

If he lost his job both of you probably would be happy to have 77k saved!

I don’t think it’s that extreme. I’d be annoyed at a partner telling me how to spend my money / savings. I would find it controlling but I’ve always been independent so that’s why it would get my back up.

I save money, my husband is not that way inclined so I get the say on the saving and big spending and we are both ok with that. As we are married my view is it will benefit him / us down the line.

It doesn’t matter though what suits me or us - everyone has different financial ideals.

Time for a conversation about money OP, you’re not unreasonable to get it across if you’re not happy with the way the family money is spent.

It’s also a hell of a lot less than other people have!

If he tightens his belt a little more he could have as much as they do.

He's paying half her food and gas/electric while still paying all his own bills. He would be better off if she moved into his place.

Some people just immediately jump to “the man must be wrong” don’t they🤣 he’s paying ALL his own bills, plus 50% of OP’s with the exception of her mortgage/rent, but still on here he’s in the wrong honestly madness

He should help by paying rent too!

Agree this post is a bit confusing.

How long have you been together? Do you not actually communicate about stuff?

If you vaguely know someone's wage/earning bracket and are intimate enough to live together

then then you should vaguely know how much disposable income they have or what their longer term plans are? (Obviously children would be the big thing to consider).

Was the expectation that because he has a good job and good money status on paper he is going to be financially generous/the relationship would eventually lean towards him being the "provider"/enjoying treating you?

Unfortunately that isn't often the case - rich people often stay rich through watching the pennies, and expect their partner to also focus on their earning potential and finances. Elon Musk is notorious for not financially supporting his partners!

It seems like there's emotional issues in the communication or relationship.

I'm a saver so I agree with your DP. I think his savings are sensible, not excessive.

Echoing @DaniMontyRae

I'd see what his reaction would be if you said you would like to move into his house and split HIS bills. Rent out your own or leave it empty. Be interesting to see what he might say to that suggestion.

I know two people like him. They are both very very insecure about money. Nothing is ever going to be enough for them. They don't spend much of it either, although they aren't misers but would rather put "fun" money in the bank!.

My parents have recently ' gifted ' me a significant amount of money , 6 figures , kind of an early inheritance if you will .
I work almost full time & don't have any children , not likely to now , my darling dad advised me to ' save it ' , but for what, I very luckily have approx 40k already in savings from buying and selling property well , no mortgage & a reasonably decent pension , granted its 15+ years away yet . Some people spend a lifetime squirrelling away for a rainy day , I intend to enjoy this money and the freedom it gives me starting with some fabulous holidays !
Life is for living , not for scrimping if you don't have to

So he should pay 100% of his own bills and then 50% of all OP’s bills, plus rent and you think that is fair?

it recently came to light that DP is saving 1,500 from an income of 3,800.

He’s still spending over £2k a month, which is quite a lot.

Just because you have the money, doesn’t mean you need to spend it all.

You both seem financially well off and it’s ok to splurge a little every now and then, so I understand why you’d feel a little frustrated but I’d rather have a partner who is too careful with their money than someone who is silly with it.

Perhaps just spend more and go to fancier places when you’re on your own/with friends.

It doesn't seem excessive to me, I spend less and save more than him. If you need someone who spends more on you then you can have that discussion with him but it may be that you're incompatible.

Sounds to me like he doesn't consider he's living with you, he's keeping his options wide open. Sensible I'd say
So I can see why you say you aren't subbing him. He has his house, you have yours. You each pay bills but he pays half of yours as well as all of his. I actually think he's probably worse off because e.g. electricity he's paying his standing changes plus half of your standing charges and use. So that's 1.5 X standing charge and you only pay .5 of a standing charge.

What's his pension pot? Is this £3400 after tax and pension? Because if not, saving £1500 month when you don't have a pension is sensible. We saw an IFA and they said we should be saving £4k (£2k each) into a pension. Almost fell off my chair.

Personally I don't think savings of £77k are mind blowing. You're supposed to have 6 months of outgoings and bills so we have a bottom line of £40k we just will not touch. We've had to save similar amounts for works to our houses etc.

I think your approaches to money just don't match. You might both have to meet in the middle.

Can I ask -

How old you are ? And are you happy with the life that you are currently leading ? Or do you feel that it's lacking something because of your partner's level of frugality and saving ?

I think that if you are still fairly young and may want children in the future - then as long as your current life isn't uncomfortable, then saving while you can is very sensible.

If you are still fairly young and don't want children then I guess they could chose to save a little less and you could plan to splash out a little together - but remembering that a higher amount saved makes for a more comfortable retirement and a possible early one too.

Another question is whether you and he are seeing this as a long term relationship because if not then the above comments aren't applicable and it's up to your partner what they save .

But if they are saving to an extreme that is making your life unnecessarily uncomfortable then you do need to have a conversation about this and you may not be compatible long term .

I earn similar to your DP and prior to having a child saved a similar amount per month. These days thanks to nursery costs I tend to only save £800-£1k depending on what other expenses crop up. Though some months I do save considerably less if other things have had to take priority.

It sound like you have different approaches to money.

But have you considered the extra wear and tear on your property, whilst his remains untouched? Items in your home will clearly wear out twice as fast, with 2 people using it, than with just one.

@TheHouseElf conversely some of the partner’s house might not be so great if they are not being used/aired etc.

he seems really sensible! I probably save a similar percentage of my salary and have slightly more saved. I don't think it's extreme! I'm saving both for things I want and for the future, e.g. pay my mortgage off so I'm not giving the bank tens of thousands in interest and can retire earlier rather than working until I'm 75! If there is something I want then I buy it, but I don't buy stuff just for the sake of it.

He already spends £2300 a month, and I'm assuming given you live together and split all bills that only a bit of that is on necessary expenditure, so it's not like he's only paying for basic living expenses and saving everything else - he's covering himself and spending a fair amount on luxuries (if you consider all non-essential spending as luxuries) - who are you to tell him he should be spending even more?

It would be different if he never treated you at all, but people don't all consider the same things to be worth spending money on. Some people consider nice hotels etc a complete waste, therefore why would he spend his money on something expensive that isn't a treat for him?

If you want to negotiate doing something together as a treat, fair enough, but it should be a) something you both want to do, and b) a shared expense

Otherwise it's like him telling you that you should spend your money on football season tickets/expensive cycling or fishing gear/front row tickets to heavy metal gigs (just trying to think of examples of things that would be up to personal taste as to whether they were 'worth' spending money on or not).

You both cover the bills, then you spend your remaining money on what you want, he spends his on what he wants. He's got no obligation to spend a significant amount of his money on you (rather than doing what he wants with it, whether that's saving it or spending it on something you don't think is worth it) just because you're dating! and of course also vice-versa.

That's a joke. He's living rent free at your house!! If he wants to pay for another blush that's up to him but he should pay you too. Half of your rent or mortgage if he's staying with you

But you absolutely ARE subbing him, continually, and quite hugely. Even older teenage and young adults usually pay rent each month when they live at home still.... And yet your relatively high earning adult partner doesn't. That is awful. I don't know any adult who doesn't pay rent or a mortgage no matter where they live.

He's laughing all the way to the bank while you pay your mortgage and wear and tear which saves HIM money, and he pays for half of the bills HE runs up and the food HE eats. What a fucking prince ..

I am amazed that this doesn't really rankle with you, when a days extra holiday does?! Cognitive dissonance 100%. I'd honestly lose all respect for this cocklodger who's feathering his own nest quite literally at your expense. Open your eyes OP, you would have a better stake in life for retirement if so, it's not just small potatoes is it?

Are you reading the same posts I am?

He has his own home which he pays 100% of the bills for- mortgage, council tax etc.

OP has her own home which she pays the mortgage on but he pays 50% of all other bills.

So he is paying ALL his bills and 50% towards OP’s with the exception of the mortgage.

I know some of you just love to scream the man is in the wrong but this is one of the daftest things I’ve ever read

Of course you’re subbing him, as he’s living mortgage or rent free. Unless he’s paying mortgage and getting no rent for his own house. But I don’t think 1.5k per month is excessive

I personally can't make a decision without knowing a)is he also paying into a pension (or has a non contributory one) b) where the 77k is being held
c) what sort of job does he have...Will he be able to work till he's reached pension age.
77k isn't a lot if you are 55 and can no longer work...also if there's an emergency issue with a car, boiler ,roof. Personally I'm holding £50k fairly liquid (premium bonds) £25k in the bank for immediate emergencies and living off of my savings for a couple of years until I tap my pension fund.
I've had to give up work at 55 due to health issues. I have a little part time job for beer money but because we scrimped and saved we will never have to worry about money having good financial advisors, using ISAs we have over £1m in savings despite never earning more than £46k between us per year before tax