To think this level of saving is extreme and I’m right to question it?

[ITru]

My DP earns 3,800 after tax. Although we live together he also owns a home and so our finances have always been separate and we just split food bills and heating for my place. Anyway…

it recently came to light that DP is saving 1,500 from an income of 3,800. He never asks me to sub him or anything so that’s not the issue… the issue is he has often said let’s go somewhere cheaper for dinner or let’s go abroad one less night etc. he’s always trying to cut costs. Now I know he’s saving this it’s really annoyed me. Like I say he does pay his way so that’s fine but I can’t understand why for example we went somewhere average for my birthday dinner recently or why we couldn’t have split the cost of a swanky hotel when we went away in summer rather than camping like we did!!

I know everyone has a different perspective on how to spend money and what to spend it on but AIBU to think this is extreme?

Agree it's a communication/relationship issue not a finance one (though quite interesting learning about the investment stuff!).

OP says she's had what she thinks is a full conversation with her boyfriend and still no resolution.

If he's one of those people who just stonewalls/"this is my way, accept it, end of conversation" then I'd say this is the issue.

If he's saving for some joint future then I assume he would have said so?

Or even agree some joint budget numbers for "couple entertainment and holidays", so they can both put £100 in the pot and that is used for fun stuff.

It's not really about camping or not camping (I'm kind of tight - with the right person, even a cheap, boring activity is absolutely fun), it's about being heard and someone valuing the relationship or their partners feelings and working through it.

People who are incredibly rigid are difficult to have 1-1 relationships with.

If someone I didn't mingle finances with demanded a "talk" about how I allocate my money, they likely wouldn't appreciate my reaction.

It isn't demanding to talk as a couple about plans to have a more enjoyable time together if one of the couple feels that's important, and if they were both willing to put a little more effort into it - which might include financial effort. It's about the quality of their life/time together. If he's a nice person, he may be interested in making more effort that will enhance both their enjoyment, and bring some pleasure to his partner who clearly thinks that she would have a nicer time if life was sometimes more comfortable and celebratory.

If he says no can do because of his adherence to a savings plan, then maybe they can talk about both setting a little aside to have a nicer holiday, or celebrate birthdays with a bit more oomph.

It doesn't have to be a lose-win situation.

If someone I didn't mingle finances with demanded a "talk" about how I allocate my money, they likely wouldn't appreciate my reaction.

It's less wider fiances it's more how it impacts on OP she needs to talk about with him.

She wants to do some things - and her DP wants to do cheaper things and they always currently do the cheaper thing currently. It impacts on her life despite no joint finances.

If they can't talk about that or have an OTT response to any conversation - then frankly I'd say it's a massive red flag and OP should end the relationship and each find someone better suited.

Most adults at least want to try having an adult conversation before leaving a relationship.

They’re supposed to be a couple, they live together.

Why isn’t he renting his house out?

How much are you saving? Just curious, not judging.

You are subbing him
He is living rent free in your house and no doubt collecting rent for his.
Why don't you suggest moving to his house and renting out yours?
That way you get to keep all the extra income from renting your house and just pay for heating ( do you mean gas And electric?!) and food. Would you be financially better off doing this?!
Does he contribute to the other utilities?
Council tax, broadband etc?
If he wasn't there you'd get a 25% single person discount on council tax for example.
I think he needs to pay rent/ contribute more

@Runnerduck34

He is living rent free in your house and no doubt collecting rent for his.

RTFT 🙄

Do you ever think you’re wasting your time by replying to a thread without even reading what the OP has said?

It's bizarre, isn't it?

People can't be arsed to read others' posts (even the OP's!) but seem to think we should want to read theirs.

Have you ever suffered poverty and debt? Maybe in his past he has either been very poor or seen his parents suffer with debt/eviction etc. If it makes him feel safe and secure I honestly don’t see what’s the problem. Far better to be in a relationship with a man whose prudent and sensible than with a gambler etc. His savings still give him £2,000 a month to spend.

I think it all depends on how important to you those things are that you’re having to compromise on.

Personally I don’t earn much, but I spend a lot on healthy food because nutrition and wellbeing are very important to me. I don’t think I could be with someone who would scrimp on that so they could save more. And if he knows it would make you happy to spoil you a bit from time to time but is still refusing is he really the sort of man you want to be with?

This is so true, my DH, gets sooo sooo upset when he needs to pay out for something. He says he's saving for things like needing work done on a car or our home. These occasions happen and even then he's reluctant to spend the money he has. It's such a miserable way to live. It gets me down sometimes.

Sorry if been asked before, but how long has this being going on for? That makes a difference to me.

I also wonder why he does not rent out his place? An income stream that could go straight to savings sitting dormant! Yes, if he did this then it's a wider conversation about your future together and also that if he generates income from a property while living with you, then he can share the financial load with you. But this is really about how serious you both are about a shared future.

Did he grow up with money or on a poor household? My dad was like this. He lived like an absolute pauper. Wouldn’t put the heating on, dressed in clothes that had seen better days. But saved and saved. He owned his house. Wouldn’t treat family. Would give me exact change if I did shopping for him. Never had credit cards. Only cash. Only used the bus when it was free with his bus pass. When it expired one time and was waiting for new pass to arrive he barely left the house. Wouldn’t never consider a taxi despite mobility issues around getting the bus. In fact he collapsed walking to the boat stop once or twice due to his balance. Never offered to help me out with money. As a child he grew up in poverty. Well in a pretty poor area, poor housing, poor clothing. He was well looked after. His parents worked hard but they weren’t well off. We were shocked after he passed away at how much money he had in the bank. But I do understand from studying psychology that people who were brought up with virtually nothing would be big savers and not big spenders. They take pleasure in knowing they have money in the bank. My dad told me his aim was to get it over the £100k mark. He did. He achieved one of his life aims before passing away.

Your finances are separate, it’s none of your business. I live with and have three children with my DP and we both have our own savings pots

Don't half the women on here live 'rent free' as their super duper high flying husbands pay for everything?
Why aren't they slated?

So, if he didn’t have a house but was living with the OP and only paying half his share of food and bills, would that be ok? If not then why?
He is living in her house, rent free, the fact he has a house that he pays for but doesn’t live in is irrelevant.

I couldn’t live like this , sorry just seems miserable to me! Saving for the sake
of saving ? Nah . What if you die tomorrow? Why be joyless ?
Yes , It’s important to save , for example we are saving for a kitchen extension. Then we will be saving to be mortgage free . Then be saving for the kid’s futures .
But, Why not save some , enjoy some ?
I can only be close with generous people, I can’t bear stingyness . And it’s usually wealthier people who are stingy . These are indicators of how he will be when you might need his financial support, what if you go on maternity leave etc ? Things to think about .

It's absolutely up to him what he wants to save each month, it's not down to you to decide. It sounds like your attitudes towards money/spending are a little different. If he doesn't want to spend his money on things then maybe just do these things with your friends instead?

You know, it's extremely insulting to state that people who prioritize saving are "stingy."

Would you like to be described as a careless, feckless spendthrift lacking in self-discipline??

We all have our reasons for managing money as we do.

The thing is, they're still going out, still having holidays.

We don't know that he's choosing what he does because he's stingy, or if it's because that's what he actually enjoys.

It could be that he's stingy or it could be that their ideas of fun, and the value they place on things like meals out and restaurants, is just different. Which is perfectly acceptable, but may make them incompatible if neither is willing to compromise on it.

this is the big valid point

It's really not.

OP has said what it is she's upset about and it's not that. People need to focus on what OP is asking for and not the rest of the financials when she's made it clear those work for them.