DH suggests treating ourselves and then abruptly changes his mind

[Mamma173637]

Does anyone else do this? We're going through a hard time with DC so life is a bit tough at the moment. DH occasionally suggests a eating out or takeaway to me. I get very cheered up at the idea because we never eat out or get takeaways. Then at the last minute DH has cold feet about the cost and changes his mind. The disappointment is a bit crushing.

I could insist we get it anyway but it's not worthwhile if DH doesn't want to. We're not swimming in money but we are fortunate to have a large financial cushion so we can definitely afford it.

I'm so often disappointed that I pretty much expect him to change his mind every time now. Today while I was out he offered to take me to lunch during his lunch break. In the car he changed his mind and offered to make me lunch at home. At home he realised he didn't have time to cook so I reheated some meals, his first, so he could eat quickly and dash off. So after all that we didn't even eat together.

He's a great husband and dad in other ways, but this is a recurring disappointment.

Tell him exactly what you’ve just told us, if you can’t tell him or can’t suggest it yourself then you have a much bigger problem.

He just sounds scatty and impulsive and if he is feeling anxious he is probably suggesting things without thinking them through. He needs to slow down and think before suggesting things.

Next time he suggests something, tell him you dont believe him.

I would start deciding to treat the family rather than waiting for my DH to decide. He's obviously very anxious about money, it might actually benefit him too if you follow through on what you say. He might feel less doubt in following through on his choices.

Why haven't you pulled him up? My DP doesn't often do similar and we go out a fair bit, but when he has I've reminded him of his promise and made it clear that I expect him to keep it. I'll be honest, I don't understand the frugality on here.

What does he say, when you tell him that you are disappointed/ fed up, that he keeps changing his mind?

who died and made him boss of your 'large financial cushion'

Just get the takeaway without him and he might start to realise its not worth him backing down, you don't need his permission.

He sounds miserable. Why can't you get a takeaway without him? And why does he have to treat you to lunch or you don't go? It sounds like he makes all the financial decisions which isn't right.

I can't believe he took you out for lunch and then changed his mind in the car? WTF? Is he tight with money in general?

What would he say if you decided to just order a takeaway or eat out for lunch by yourself? I would hate if my husband did this, maybe the odd time if he was bored of getting takeaways but I honestly can't imagine him begrudging me a treat.

Set a monthly budget for takeaways together. If he's "pre-approved" it he'll be less likely to get cold feet.

Shame you don't seem to be allowed to just use your own judgement sometimes though.

Some 'fun' money needs to be put aside every month. Agree an amount and keep within budget. Carry over any unspent money to the next month.

I agree with the suggestion of if he says he's going to do something nice give an eye roll and say "I'll believe it when I see it!" When he gets defensive tell him you've noticed he very often suggests doing something nice but will always change his mind so you can no longer take him seriously.

It will stop him changing his mind at least.

Do you think he's genuinely anxious about spending? Or that he likes winding you up (the latter would be concerning?)

Today while I was out he offered to take me to lunch during his lunch break. In the car he changed his mind and offered to make me lunch at home.

You sound passive though. Why do you just accept this behaviour without murmur?

"Lets get a takeaway"
"Oh is that the takeaway that ends up with me cooking again. Because you've changed your mind AGAIN? No thanks"

I've pulled him up on it before. Him suggesting doing nice thing doesn't happen that often - every few months - not enough that pulling him on it has any effect.

I could get a takeaway on my own but it's not that much fun if we're not all enjoying it and I know he is counting the cost in his head.

Yes he's very anxious about money. We are trying to be mindful of costs. We have some big medical related bills so our outgoings are more than out incomings and he's pretty despondent about this even though we have savings. Yes I agree we should be saving, and I never suggest eating out otherwise. I just wish he wouldn't!

The bulk of his savings actually come from him, though we have taken in turns being the breadwinner. We pool all finances but I think he feels worse about seeing the savings eaten up over medical costs than I do and doesn't want to spend frivolously. (Even though we're not even talking 1 meal in 6 months). I don't argue because I don't want to add to his anxiety.

Yes he's scatty and badly organised and doesn't think things through. I asked several times in the car if he had enough time, suggested we eat somewhere close to his work and he said yes, but the lure of saving money to eat at home was too much I guess. 🙄 I'm much more of a foodie than he is and I really miss eating nice meals out, so it hurts me a lot more than it hurts him.

Just get on and do it! Get a take away/go out for dinner with a friend if he doesn't want it.

I know what you mean, different scenario, but DH will say do I fancy watching a film /starting a new Netflix show etc tonight? I'll look forward to it, and then he'll announce that we aren't watching it as he's too tired, needs to go to bed early, have a shave blah blah.
So now I say that's fine, and I watch it on my own! Initially he got grumpy about it, but I told him I got fed up of him suggesting something good, then announcing it wasn't happening.

I'm just thinking what's even more stupid is that he will happily go out with work colleagues for a meal after work. And he has no problem with me going to see friends for food. In part because we're not very sociable so we do encourage each other to make an effort with friends. But now it feels like I and the family are not worth spending the same money for!

I'm a foodie too OP and my best treat is eating out or getting a takeaway. Does your DH have any hobbies/interests, anything he indulges in (no matter how small) beyond work and home? If so, does it cost any money? You really do need to sit him down and tell him that raising your hopes and then dashing them is upsetting you. It's actually worse than not having the treat at all. An occasional takeaway won't break the bank. Remind him that life simply cannot be all work and no play, nobody can go on forever like that.

Yes it's pretty much this! It's not a big deal on the scale of things when everything else is fine. It's just disappointing that we cannot spend a little bit on nice food for ourselves now and then.

You don't want to listen to any suggestions. The only thing you can do is directly talk to him and suggest a reasonable amount of money for something fun, or do it yourself or with a friend.

He's not a big spender but he will spend a bit on himself now and again, bike stuff, running shoes.

I think he's used to thinking that money on eating out is a waste when home is accessible. He comments every time we look at coffee and tea prices in cafes. (I agree it's extortionate but you're paying for the seat and overheads, not just the coffee.) He's been like this since a child when he went home at lunchtimes. It's a good attitude have in general... But I miss eating out so much!

I do have my birthday coming up. I'm planning to say we're going to a restaurant, and it being my birthday he'll definitely be ok with it.

Just say to him no thanks because you’ll change your mind and spoil it. Or push through and do it anyway, sometimes I get like this and my DH calms my anxiety and I enjoy it

I guess also, IS this just about the money or is he playing games?

I'd like to say next time he suggests it, get his order from him, walk into another room and just order it, preferably on delivery. But I live with a nice, normal person who wants me to be happy.

It may be nefarious, it may not...

But some people make suggestions that never end up happening, because its almost like they can gaslight you into thinking that they are generous/romantic/the one who plans things.

In reality, ripping the rug out from undernearth provides a little roller coaster of emotions that nicely keeps you off balance.

I don't think it sounds scatty or unorganised, I think it sounds incredibly cruel that he can see you disappointed over and over again and not care one bit.