DH suggests treating ourselves and then abruptly changes his mind

[Mamma173637]

Does anyone else do this? We're going through a hard time with DC so life is a bit tough at the moment. DH occasionally suggests a eating out or takeaway to me. I get very cheered up at the idea because we never eat out or get takeaways. Then at the last minute DH has cold feet about the cost and changes his mind. The disappointment is a bit crushing.

I could insist we get it anyway but it's not worthwhile if DH doesn't want to. We're not swimming in money but we are fortunate to have a large financial cushion so we can definitely afford it.

I'm so often disappointed that I pretty much expect him to change his mind every time now. Today while I was out he offered to take me to lunch during his lunch break. In the car he changed his mind and offered to make me lunch at home. At home he realised he didn't have time to cook so I reheated some meals, his first, so he could eat quickly and dash off. So after all that we didn't even eat together.

He's a great husband and dad in other ways, but this is a recurring disappointment.

I make plenty of decisions independently thanks. It's just this one specific area that's specific to eating out that's disappointing. But I know he has anxiety about money and I don't want to add to that.

So much talk about treats. If you want a takeaway just go and get a takeaway. It’s really not a big deal, since you obviously can afford it. You talk about it as if it is dinner at Buckingham Palace or something. It’s just a takeaway fgs.

But he's willing to suspend the anxiety long enough to go out with other friends. Why not with you as well? Don't be a martyr to his anxieties.

Maybe he needs a "fun money" budget to ease the anxiety and if he never spends it on you then you can pull him up with a clear conscience.

Please do! What are you going to get?!

Yes his parents were savers, and though he didn't go without, he didn't feel very well off. His nest egg was a combination of money from them and savings built up since he was a child. So I understand he is protective of it and his anxiety about seeing it being spent on medical stuff for DC. He agrees it's all necessary. But it means he objects to other more frivolous things like takeaways.

We used to live abroad where eating out and takeaways was super cheap. If he didn't feel like getting one I'd take myself out and get one for myself - for £2 for a huge portion, why not. But here I don't want to spend £10-15 for just myself. I would love to spend that money for all of us enjoying it as a family.

Perhaps you could have a separate pot of money, could be physical or a savings account but make it just for family day/nights out, date night, treat lunches, take aways etc and he might think about the money different if it is separate from other savings and schedule a day a month for date night and spend time together, this is just as important as socialising with friends

It's really interesting reading all the replies - it's helping me think through the specifics about what's going on in his head.

Thanks all. I have to attend to DC for the rest of the evening. As DH is having a good time at his work-do tonight I'll take DC to the local pub.

So the pot isn't replaceable? It's not like once it's gone you'd be able to save it again. I can see his reluctance and also his willingness to prioritise things that do make a difference to all your quality of life. E.g. going out with friends is different to staying in. Having a takeaway isn't that different in terms of life quality to having something from the freezer.

Actually if you have the stress of an ill child it's even more important to put effort/money into fun together as a couple (and as a family) You need to survive as a couple.

Personally I don't enjoy take-aways and would rather eat basic food/freezer food at home if I'm tired, or go out and eat and eat something really nice at a restaurant. But if that's what you enjoy there should be some room for it.

What's really miserable is him promising to take you out for lunch and then changing his mind and eventually dumping you. Is there anyone else he would treat like that? Asking you out to lunch is just as much a commitment as asking anyone else.

Ah I'm terrible for this. I suggest it as a treat and time and time again I realise that it will cost an insane amount, take longer to arrive than if I cook and that it will be swimming in oil and salt and leave me irritable about having eaten a load of unnecessary calories that I didn't enjoy very much.

I have started the tradition of pay day takeaway so my DH doesn't feel quite so hard done by and there is a set day each month for it and I can't back out of it.

My Mum used to do this to my Dad so he would get a secret curry on his way home from late night work drinks on a Friday.

Yes, it is really, really rude and a cruel way to treat a partner. To treat the one you are married to worse than how you would treat your work colleagues. Last on the list. No thanks.

Say that.

You should tell him how it makes you feel OP. When he said he'd take you to lunch and then changed his mind, you could have said, "No, actually I prefer to go out as you suggested earlier and I'm really looking forward to it." Regarding the takeaway, I'd have ordered what I wanted and left him to it.

This is how I read his behaviour too. In fact I find this thread quite triggering because my ex used to do this kind of thing, and in his case it definitely wasn't anything to do with saving money, just an uncontrollable propensity to disappoint at every opportunity. And for those saying "get the takeaway yourself", the treat itself isn't the point, it's the nice thought that then gets snatched away before you can reach out your metaphorical hand to accept it. It creates a really unpleasant dynamic in a relationship because if you get upset you end up feeling like a bratty child, while they benefit from the plausible deniability of "just trying to be sensible with money". I hope this isn't what's going on for you, OP, because if it is you've got yourself an abuser and this kind of behaviour won't be where it ends.

I'm so sorry it's been triggering.

I honestly don't think it's deliberate. If I call him out on things that have hurt my feelings he feels immense guilt and dwells on them and he does do better. I do think he's just thoughtless and doesn't think it's a big deal to change his mind. It's a big part of his personality that he's sensible, a spendthrift, the type who congratulates themselves on not spending money and doesn't give much thought to the implicit promise he makes to me or the disappointment I might feel.

Having said this, he would never do this to our child who has SEN and you absolutely cannot even mention things that you can't deliver on.

I do agree I need to have a word with him and just ask him not to suggest things if he's not going to follow through.

And for those saying "get the takeaway yourself", the treat itself isn't the point, it's the nice thought that then gets snatched away before you can reach out your metaphorical hand to accept it.

Yes I agree with this. But I don't feel abused. In every other part of my life I feel independent and free to do what I want. And I do go out and eat when and what I want. I just don't much feel like eating on my own or with my child! (I do occasionally with friends but having my own life with a SEN child is just complicated.)

I can sort of understand his anxiety - if you are someone who has always saved "for a rainy day," it's a real shock when the rainy day actually comes. For me it was being ill myself, for you it's a sick child.

You feel like your judgement needs to recalibrate and there might be another rainy day. I can see it takes time to adjust and I don't think he's being manipulative. He probably does feel a bit of dread at menu prices with colleagues but it's only with you he can verbalise it.

Please don't apologise. It's your thread and you can talk about whatever you want. And no one makes me come here and read. It's just every once in a while I read something on here and think "omg, it's that thing". I take on board your comments and you know your situation best, but I'll just add that it took me years, so many years, to see how my emotions and reactions were being manipulated by a person who was on a mission to make everyone in our life believe he was the caring, generous, even-tempered one and that I was difficult and dramatic. I'm not a psychologist, but to me, it's the behaviour of someone who has such a difficult time coping with negative emotions that they force you to feel and express them instead. It's very draining, emoting for two. Makes you ill in the end. Anyway, if that ever has more resonance for you than it does now, then check out covert narcissism, which is a term I didn't know until recently and wish I had.