DH suggests treating ourselves and then abruptly changes his mind

[Mamma173637]

Does anyone else do this? We're going through a hard time with DC so life is a bit tough at the moment. DH occasionally suggests a eating out or takeaway to me. I get very cheered up at the idea because we never eat out or get takeaways. Then at the last minute DH has cold feet about the cost and changes his mind. The disappointment is a bit crushing.

I could insist we get it anyway but it's not worthwhile if DH doesn't want to. We're not swimming in money but we are fortunate to have a large financial cushion so we can definitely afford it.

I'm so often disappointed that I pretty much expect him to change his mind every time now. Today while I was out he offered to take me to lunch during his lunch break. In the car he changed his mind and offered to make me lunch at home. At home he realised he didn't have time to cook so I reheated some meals, his first, so he could eat quickly and dash off. So after all that we didn't even eat together.

He's a great husband and dad in other ways, but this is a recurring disappointment.

In that case, tell him next time you'll be marrying a fellow foodie!

@ginasevern 🤣

Go out for tea with a friend once a month, leave grumpy bollox at home.

Are there children living at home as well? Just say "DH, the children and I are having takeaway tonight, do you eat anything?".

Unless you're on the bones of your arse he's being very unreasonable.

Why do you need a man to ‘treat you’ ? Can’t you treat yourself?

What on earth is stopping you for doing these things without permission? He's not your keeper and you said you can afford it.

Yes, sort of, my DH said he'd get tickets for a band we like as he knows them via a friend he thought he'd get them via a friend but in the end he didn't bother and I was annoyed as I would have just bought them months back via the normal route but as it was so close only expensive VIP tickets left.

I think this sounds like there's some sort of underlying issue he's struggling with.

Did he grow up poor, so finds it hard to spend the nest egg for fear of losing the security? Where did the cushion come from, does he somehow not feel "entitled" to spend it.

It sounds like he wants to treat you, but there's something that makes it difficult for him to do so.

I would definitely be raising that! So he can go out with colleagues/mates but not you?! I've told my dh if he tells me we're doing something, we're doing it otherwise it's extremely disappointing to have the goalposts moved last minute.

100% this. Why should you go without your takeaway because he's a complete tightwad

Oh my God I can't stand it when my partner teases me with a takeaway or meal out and then it doesn't happen! I love it when it's not always my idea to "treat ourselves" 😅 so am always so happy if he suggests it, haha.

I do tell him that it's disappointing, though, and I love what Kelly Brook said recently on Race Across The World - something like "Congratulations - you've got yourself a cheap hotel and a miserable wife". Just do something to make your wife happy for God's sake!

It’s really odd how you let him make every decision, and you just go along with it with a sad Oh, ok then.

Is he someone who is a bit disorganised and makes suggestions he's just thinking through out loud? And then decides it's not workable?

He needs to be pulled up on how he deals with this as the habit is unkind to you and creates disappointment. It's quite thoughtless.

My husband could be a bit like that and I had to be quite firm with him that he should not suggest/agree to things he wasn't sure could actually happen. It was after we had kids and they would get disappointed too that I got really fed up and told him to pack it in.

He didn't mean it cruelly, he is just someone who has a vaguely optimistic idea that he'll have more money in the near future and xyz would be possible but hasn't actually given any thought to saving or planning.

Oh, there it goes, he's a great husband and dad.
Only he behaves like an absolute piece of 💩, because he can.
I despair.

Why does he get to decide?

The next time he changed his mind I would pick up my phone and arrange the takeaway myself. If he changed his mind about eating out somewhere I’d still take my child and go myself. If money isn’t an issue then stop allowing him to dictate to you.

Ugh. I missed this one.

Yes, it does sound very much indeed like that.

Oh dear I can see myself in this. Not so much now because I've finally accepted we are secure, but when DC were young I'd have been happy for DH or I to go out with friends or work people, for the purpose of socialising, whereas there was no need to spend money to do that with the people we lived with, so it seemed a waste.

EDIT: this was meant to be in response to your post about him going out with colleagues 🙈

Doesn't this make you feel absolutely rubbish? His colleagues are good enough to enjoy a nice meal with, but you're not?

I will treat myself to something small I like to eat but I don't enjoy a whole meal by myself. DC is also 7 and doesn't appreciate nice food either.

Right, it’s Friday evening. Prime takeaway time. Call your husband, tell him you’re ordering a takeaway and ask what he wants. Then order your takeaway. If he says he doesn’t want it, tell him you’re ordering for yourself / kids, and he can sort himself out. You deserve a treat and a night off, especially as if you’ve got large medical expenses I imagine you’re under quite a bit of stress.

Yes pretty much this is his thinking!

Haha, he's actually at a work do this evening so he has dinner sorted! But yes I might treat DC and me to something.

Next time he offers say “Often when you do this, you change your mind, which I find upsetting. Are you absolutely sure you will carry this through? If not, say now. If you are sure, it’s happening and I don’t want you to change your mind or complain about it later.”

Who died and made him the boss though?

Next time he suggests something. Tell him that it's happening no matter what he says. Start pushing back on it. He might knock off suggesting anything he doesn't mean.

I'm just thinking what's even more stupid is that he will happily go out with work colleagues for a meal after work.

I would hate that. He doesn't treat going out with you as an important fun thing, part of his own social life that he needs to put money and effort into. It's as if you're just there for the crap bits of life.

Tell him he needs to make an effort and put in a bit of expense to enjoy socialising with you too. He has a marriage to maintain. You both do. And that means being able to put money worries aside for long enough to enjoy an occasional meal out with together, same as you do with other friends.