Married but secretly asexual

[coconutsplash]

I love my dh very much, our lives and our 3 children and that we get on so well, the only problem is I've never enjoyed sex.
I see it as a chore and hope it doesn't last too long, I have never told dh how I feel but I've always felt as though I'm missing something even with any ex and never found anyone sexually appealing or wanted to have sex with anyone.

I know it's something you do in a marriage and so I do for dh and because I value my marriage but it is just something I want to get over and done with.
I just don't get fancying people, I don't feel attracted to anyone so I'd never understand cheating.
I know he's happy and I'm happy in every other aspect of my marriage so to me it's just something I do to make it work.
I'd hate to be all alone and single forever just because I don't have the need for sex and I am a family woman and love being a wife and mother.

This is a tricky one. How often does he want to have sex?

Is there any chance that it's just that your DH isn't a particularly skilled lover?

Are you able to enjoy yourself solo with fingers or a mini vibe? (you don't need to go inside, just give your clit some attention)

Have you enjoyed other types of sex/intimacy? Has masturbating given you any pleasure?

He'd probably like it every night but it's realistically about 3 times a week.

I can't imagine what's it's like to force yourself to have sex. I don't really know what to suggest as I doubt your husband would want to remain celibate for life.

What advice are you looking for?

It's obviously better to be up front and tell your husband the truth but you should have been honest from the outset.

Yes it's just the penetration doesn't do anything for me so I just find it boring.

God no wonder you don’t want to have sex, everyday is surely not sustainable. 3 times a week seems too much for me. Once a week is more than enough and o don’t consider myself asexual, but sex isn’t my priority.

3 times a week is a lot even for many people who like sex in a marriage!

If you’ve enjoyed other types of sexual contact other than penetration it doesn’t sound as though you’re asexual, just that your DH doesn’t know how to please (as possibly you haven’t said by the sounds of the OP) or you don’t fancy him that much.

It’s surprising that you’ve never found someone sexual desirable though. Whe I first got with my DH I couldn’t keep my mits off him but naturally after 10 years it’s not quite then same but I still fancy him.

Do you think you might be gay? Have you ever explored your sexuality?

I felt the same way until I started using a small vibrator during sex. Game changing in terms of enjoyment level! PIV only is 😴 for many women.

Does your husband not know this? What would you like to happen?

This is vile OP. You're basically tricking him into having sex with someone who doesn't want it with him 3 times a week by pretending you're up for it. Your relationship is based on a huge lie, you're making him live a lie. Do you think he'd want to keep having sex with you if he knew you didn't want it at all? That is really, really horrible.
Tell him the truth, you're making him live a lie and although it is completely soul destroying when you find out at least he has a chance to then live a life not based on lies. Believe me, I know.

I was like this when I was married and with previous partner too. Never enjoyed sex, did not understand other people when they went on about it. Met my now ex partner and for the first time enjoyed sex - its actually the sex I missed more than I missed him in the end. I also have never fully found people attractive and only connected with a handful of men so assumed the ex was the love of my life because I finally understood what it was like to find sex enjoyable. Turns out I am actually currently massively attracted to a man I went so far only on one date with but let me just tell you now it feels like everything in me tingles at the thoughts of having sex with him. I dont know if I was never in love with my exes, or if it was a learning thing for me or what has changed (late 40's now) but I have gone from never thinking I would enjoy sex to thinking if I dont get it soon I might snap the urge and want is that bad.

Many women don’t enjoy purely penetrative sex, it’s not unusual at all. If you never orgasm from it, why would you have any desire for sex? Of course it would feel like a chore.

I recommend this article OP:

https://www.sciencealert.com/why-does-the-orgasm-gap-exist-a-psychologist-explains

i doubt you are asexual if you enjoy DIY. I couldn’t force myself to do that 3 times a week. Maybe 3 times a year I could but 150 times a year is a lot.

Is your husband lacking skills in the foreplay department?

Misogynistic mythbusting time : huge numbers of women don't get much pleasure from PIV. Each body is different but if your clit isn't getting stimulation then it's not going to be fun. That doesn't mean you are asexual. The idea that only PIV is "sex" and everything else is foreplay is a male-centred misunderstanding based on the fantasy that a penis is some kind of magic wand that will take you to heaven. There are positions for PIV that will either put a nice amount of pressure on the clit or allow a gap so that a helping hand can do what is needed - exactly what works will vary from couple to couple. Don't forget that the clit isn't just the little button you can see outside, there's a whole internal structure but it may not be very close to the vagina in some bodies. If your DH doesn't care about your pleasure enough to explore these things and just wants to use your body for his own pleasure then you have every right to say nope, not happening. But that is only about him being crap in bed, you don't need to label your own sexuality based on that.

Does he not do foreplay? The idea there would be for you to get yours first so to speak or play during.

If you can sort yourself out and enjoy it, then I think your issue is more likely to be a case of inexperience and lack of skill, on your part, your exes parts and your DH’s part, rather than taking no pleasure in it at all.

You need to work out something that does do it for you while the penetration is going on. That starting doesn’t mean that everything else has to stop.

It must be so difficult 'enduring' penetrative sex 3 times per week when you don't enjoy it.

It doesn't sound like your husband is a particularly generous lover either, as he'd be ensuring your pleasure too. You say you enjoy other things, so may not be asexual. A good lover will know that most women do not get off on penetrative sex, so need more.

Do you think he's sussed, but is avoiding the subject so he can continue getting his end away? Unless of course you're participating enthusiastically, so have him completely fooled.

No he's not one for foreplay, he just goes straight in.

OP no one would enjoy sex like that. No one.

Hopefully he’s not a fragile ego type and you can have a conversation about this?

The issue isn't you being asexual, this is about him being crap in bed and selfish.

Sounds bloody awful. Nobody would get pleasure from that.