Married but secretly asexual

[coconutsplash]

I love my dh very much, our lives and our 3 children and that we get on so well, the only problem is I've never enjoyed sex.
I see it as a chore and hope it doesn't last too long, I have never told dh how I feel but I've always felt as though I'm missing something even with any ex and never found anyone sexually appealing or wanted to have sex with anyone.

I know it's something you do in a marriage and so I do for dh and because I value my marriage but it is just something I want to get over and done with.
I just don't get fancying people, I don't feel attracted to anyone so I'd never understand cheating.
I know he's happy and I'm happy in every other aspect of my marriage so to me it's just something I do to make it work.
I'd hate to be all alone and single forever just because I don't have the need for sex and I am a family woman and love being a wife and mother.

So if you don’t enjoy sex, you don’t deserve love or a family life?

@Bangwam1 You have to instruct men until they learn. Most of them have no clue.

I'm sorry you've only experienced useless men. You shouldn't have to instruct men till they learn. I never have (and I've slept with a lot of them 😂).
**

Can't you do that honestly?

@Beth216 You should watch the film On Chesil Beach.

It's the foreplay that is the best I've found, penetrative alone not the same. X

Did people not read the OP's first post? She's never been sexually attracted to anyone. Her asexuality is nothing to do with bad sex. She doesn't experience attraction.

You sound absolutely deranged.

The tricking him into sex poster is obvs a man/OP's husband 😂

Oh Lord ☹️. Selfish being.

It's not you, it's him.

Have you actually ever had a clitoris orgasm at the same time as his doing vaginas sex? Sometimes the hair gets in the way and his body is not rubbing your clitoris. Sorry to all sensitivities here, just because is a topic, rather to check than judge

@Beth216 grow up. Talk about exaggerating.

You have to instruct men until they learn. Most of them have no clue.

Say what now 😳. The men I've had sex with taking pride in pleasuring women, so while we'll explore what we like together, they don't need instructions.

If a man doesn't know that sex requires more than slam, blam, thank you ma'am, he should only be having sex with himself.

Oh you poor woman. And all the poor women who have never had their worlds rocked in bed. 😞

This isn't how it should be op. My DH goes to the end of the earth to make sure I come multiple times before 'going in'

Imagine if your DH was into the violin. Every night he’s screeching away but refuses to take lessons or get any better. Every night for years it’s just the same low quality screeching. That is what obligation sex with an unskilled lover is like. If he took professional lessons and learnt some proper technique, then you’d enjoy it too!

No he's not one for foreplay, he just goes straight in
what am I reading? so he just climbs on or whatever and in he goes? that must be painful, no wonder you don't enjoy it, how in the years it's took to have 3 kids has this never been a discussion?
I cannot understand how you can be in a marriage and unable to broach these subjects.

THERES your problem...............or rather his (to sort)

So basically you have a partner who is crap in bed...

Just be honest. Tell him no penetration until he's made an effort with you first!

But 3 times a week?!?! That sounds exhausting!

I am asexual but not aromatic. I met my husband when I was quite young and didn’t yet know I was asexual. I figured it out a couple of years into our relationship. I am romantically attracted to him in that I want to be with him and have a relationship with him. But there is no sexual attraction there. I’ve never felt sexually attracted to anyone. I don’t actually mind sex but like you I see it as a sort of chore and only do it for him. I chose to tell my husband how I felt. He was a bit worried at first but I reassured him that I am very much in love with him romantically, I’m just not capable of feeling sexual attraction. He is fine with it now and we still have a very happy relationship. I think you should talk to your husband about how you feel. He might surprise you and be accepting of it. Or if not at least you can find a way forward together.

pp have said we’re ignoring your point about asexuality. I do understand what asexuality is and I know other asexual people, but that said, some asexual people are willing to have sex with people they love even though they couldn’t give a crap about it personally — ie it’s fine but it isn’t something they need. In your case I think it’s fine to do that but you need it to be ok and not awful. So like — tell your husband he can’t just ram you dry.

But equally, the op has to take some responsibility for what she wants too. OP have you never had a discussion about what you both like? If you are just getting it out the way by doing what he wants but have never told him what you might like, then he probably has no idea, it could be so much better for both of you, us brits are not good at talking honestly about sex, and we still bring all our old repressed rules into it (it’s something women give to men, it’s embarrassing to talk about, nice girls shouldn’t enjoy it etc) such a shame and nobody wins ( which I use ironically, because no one should win and both should enjoy). Men and women both enjoy it better if both own it, both get the best out of it, and both feel they can communicate.

I find it extraordinary that a grown man has no idea about foreplay or attempting to please a partner.

Do you pretend to enjoy it/fake orgasm? Does he think he’s pleasing you because you’re lying to him? Or does he know you’re not orgasming and just doesn’t care?

I think it matters which….

As others have said - I don’t think most women would enjoy that! If there is no foreplay, are you even aroused ? Wet/lubricated enough? I’m honestly crossing my legs just thinking about it, that would be very uncomfortable

There is nothing wrong with her. She does not need a ‘health check’ 🙄 She has a DH problem.