Would you/ Have you divorce because of in-laws?

[Longsummerdays1]

Just that really.

Have you done so/ considered doing so?

My FIL is lovely, but is a ‘yes man’ to MIL and SIL. My MIL has caused me no end of grief and upset, she is extremely childish and thrives off falling out, she has driven more or less the whole of poor FIL’s family away with her drama. SIL is very similar and takes great pleasure in telling me that I am ‘nothing’ to them (doesn’t stop her coming around every Christmas for her lunch and devouring a 3 course meal without a thanks). DH tolerates them as he has all his life but I have just about had enough and cannot bear them for much longer.

Well it's definately time for a different christmas this year. Is that possible?

You wouldn’t be divorcing because of them but because of him. Sorry to be so predictable but as usual it’s a DH problem.

DH doesn’t see his horrible relatives so it’s not a problem for us.

You can certainly step away from hosting them, but it sounds like more drastic action is needed. If he’s happy to have people in the house openly disrespecting his wife he doesn’t deserve you.

Invite is always to MIL and FIL but she tends to come with.

Nobody gets divorced because of their in laws, they get divorced due to their Spouses inability to stand up to their family

Why do you let them in your house and cook for them!? Stop inviting them over.

Tell your DH to grow a pair.

Why do you invite them at Xmas?
I stopped seeing my IL 15 years ago. Dh sees them occasionally but if he said he was inviting them to our home for Xmas I would say no 😂

Can you go away for Christmas? As much as I like family Christmas at home and cooking, it’s really nice to do something different. See how it goes…

and I agree - it’s a DH problem.

Probably because im soft 🙈

So stop seeing them, allow yourself to have boundaries.

My MIL is hideous, so I no longer see her and she doesn’t come round my house anymore.

I wouldn't be divorcing, but i would be going low/NC.

Big decider here would be how does the DH react? Do they back you up or let their family deride you continuously? If its the latter then thats a big red flag.

I'd definitely be going NC with the PIL- if DH wants to maintain a relationship then its their prerogative, but my door is shut to anyone if i "mean nothing to them" and they continue to insult me in my own home.

But they’re not going to change. So you have to. They’re going to be the same irregardless of your relationship with them. So go low/no contact and be happier. They will have a tantrum about it because you’ve taken control but so what? Let them. It’s very freeing.

You being soft is only causing you misery. They don’t care!

Absolutely this. I did 4 years ago and let me say this it's wonderful! It very much is a dh problem and I could not get past him not standing up for our little family. Recently his brother's wife left over the same reason, MIL and SIL and dh not supporting her. You can't win with people like this but you definitely win leaving them.

Here’s a thought, instead of divorcing your husband, stop inviting in laws to your house.

Between this thread and the one where the OP has skivvied and cooked Christmas meals for her in laws for 20 years, I think some women love to be martyrs.

Christmas meals should be cooked in turns and the man should cook as well.

Stop being soft then. Are you scared of your husband? Do you have kids who are seeing you be disrespected in your home?

Your husband is definitely the biggest problem here. His mother and sister are cunts, no doubt about it, but he is allowing them to behave that way, for a quiet life presumably, just like his father has also allowed it to continue.

I had murder with my ex inlaws FWIW, just horrible, controlling, unpleasant people, much like their abusive son. My ex also allowed their behaviour to continue because it suited him. Ultimately I left because of ex’s abusive behaviour but it did feel like I’d split up with them too. And that was a great feeling.

No. Just go low contact. If your DH volunteers to host, say "No" otherwise make clear to him that he needs to do most if not all the work. Setting boundaries may be hard but you definitely need them. I can tolerate my MIL in short doses so that's what I do. DH's siblings are fine - we all get along well, separately. It only gets toxic when MIL is thrown into the scenario which is the main reason we don't do en mass family holidays anymore. (shudders at the memory!)

Dear heavens, woman! You don't have to put up with shit like that. But you DO have to speak up!

How old is SIL? I'm assuming old enough to understand the phrase "you are not welcome in our house any more".

Do you share children with your husband? If so, divorcing isn’t really going to remove the ILs from your life.

why can’t you just not see them as often? It must be more than Christmas dinner that is the problem because divorcing over that would be insane. How often do they actually impact your life?

I've seriously thought about it. MIL is the cause of so many problems in my relationship. My DH feels very guilty that she lives alone (late 60s) after being widowed several years ago. MIL is incredible needy and has no friends or outside interests. She harangues DH constantly on the phone, gets drunk and tells him she has nothing to live for. When she is at our house she nitpicks DH constantly and is cannot relate to him without criticising or correcting him.
The result is my DH is constantly stressed and preoccupied. His mental health is in shreds. She is currently staying with us for a few months but she would like it to be permanent as she struggles to live alone.

Do I sometimes fantasize about leaving? Absolutely.

I made it very clear to my husband that he sort out in-laws or I'm off and he needs to have my back . I was mid twenties then and knew it was a deal breaker and he knew I meant it .Once they knew he was going to put me first they disappeared from our lives . We haven't heard from them for 33 years . Husband admitted that they would have and have ruined every relationship he had and would have . Very very controlling people. Put your foot down OP this is for life .

Well I came close to calling off the wedding because of MIL. And have probably, in my head, walked off into the sunset a couple of times in our 30 + year marriage.
But , when I talked to my husband about my feelings he made it clear that I was in the right, and he took charge of dealing with her.

I cut contact with her to very low levels and I gave up on the hosting Christmas etc.

She’s is dead now, and I never regret reducing my exposure to her.

We live very close to our in-laws and DH sees them practically every-day! It is 100% more than just Christmas dinner that is the problem. SIL is 45 ( as someone asked how old she is) but still lives with parents (absolutely fine) which is why i bite my tounge when she rocks up with MIL and FIL otherwise she would be alone. She struggles to realise that her brother (my DH) actually has a life of his own and is a husband and a father and still views him just as their ‘little boy’ and she has made it perfectly clear that she and her mother are more than enough for him. DH has gone low contact with her since this, (i say low contact its more reluctant to speak to her) but has never challenged her really about it and still sees them everyday.

Yes and 2 DC

Why does he see them every day?

That’s far too intwined. So that’s the issue it’s a dh problem not an inlaw problem. His actively having them in his still day to day every damn say life.

But with Christmas. Start going away or at least just booking a restaurant for a couple of years. Change the tradition.

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.

If you keep inviting them round for Chrisrmas, you're going to have the same shitty Christmas.

What would happen if you said not this yearSatan we've got other plans. And plan to just have the 4 of you - what would your DH do?