Would you/ Have you divorce because of in-laws?

[Longsummerdays1]

Just that really.

Have you done so/ considered doing so?

My FIL is lovely, but is a ‘yes man’ to MIL and SIL. My MIL has caused me no end of grief and upset, she is extremely childish and thrives off falling out, she has driven more or less the whole of poor FIL’s family away with her drama. SIL is very similar and takes great pleasure in telling me that I am ‘nothing’ to them (doesn’t stop her coming around every Christmas for her lunch and devouring a 3 course meal without a thanks). DH tolerates them as he has all his life but I have just about had enough and cannot bear them for much longer.

Not divorced but called off an engagement over it when I was 22. It wasn’t his mum as a person because I could hold my own with her and laughed off her weird behaviour. It was the fact he never had my back, and was weak and spineless around his mother. I didn’t want to have to spend the rest of my life arguing with this woman - she was also only in her 40s and was very health conscious so I would have been in for the long ride. If she’d been older and in poorer health who knows maybe I would be married to him now. He wasn’t the man I fell in love with who had my back and stood up for himself and his beliefs when he was around her and he didn’t recognise the toxic and abusive ways she treated him. I feel sorry for him really as I do think she abused him, but you can’t help someone who refuses to accept the reality of the situation. I wouldn’t be attracted to someone who “tolerates them” because then he’s tolerating me getting treated like shit. Also… I’m assuming this Christmas dinner is at your house… so he’s letting you be treated like shit in your own home. I am surprised you haven’t mentally checked out of this relationship already.

We have my DF as well because he lives alone so DH would childishly turn around and say ‘well your DF cant come as well then’ 🙈. It would also cause all hell to break loose with MIL and she would probably burts out crying and say nobody loves her 🙄🙈

I once had a long term relationship with someone who had an unhealthy reliance on his mother and wider family. What they thought/did about anything was far more important than what I thought/did about anything. They were always right and if I were in disagreement, then I was, by default, in the wrong.

It was a lovely day when I spilt with partner and never had to see the bloody lot again.

And yes, this is all on your DH. You need to sort this out - who is his priority? It shouldn't have to be like this but that's what some people make it.

The problem is definitely your H then

I think I have Im reading through these comments and thinking I really really have checked out completely, i just cant anymore.

Move house

@Longsummerdays1 you have children and are married it’s inherently a lot more complicated than my experience but the fact that you have already checked out is a good thing for two reasons. Firstly if you can leave it will make it easier emotionally, not easy by any means but at least in that aspect. Secondly if you can’t leave hopefully it will mean you can focus on yourself and your children’s needs met a bit more strategically because your feeling for him won’t cloud your judgement as much. I feel for your OP and there’s not really a lot of positives in this situation, but if I was you looking at it like that would be my best bet.

My DH has very difficult parents. Both quite manipulative and used to their own way (separated about 35 years ago). He used to roll over and just do whatever for an easy life, we eventually had to have an uncomfortable conversation about it and he’s gradually improved when he or we don’t want to go along with something. This was pre- children.
After having children the manipulation and “I want” went on steroids and I said if you don’t handle it I will. It’s still a regular struggle as they are just difficult but he has at least grown a pair, usually calmly reasoning with them works but there have been a few occasions when he’s just ignored them for a good while so they get the message!

I think I had a me problem rather than a DH but it could have gone that way if we'd had your geography.
SIL was pretty toxic on her 20s, a bit lost, a bit jealous, a bit uncomfortable. DH always shrugged. She's got better but 30 years on I still don't want her much in my life. I regret the headspace the lot of them have taken up.

I went NC with my MIL and it was the best decision I ever made. DH sees her still as he feels obligated to which is fine. I knew that if I ended my marriage because of her she would have won. I no longer have the stress of that awful woman in my life. Good luck OP

OP I really think if you're considering divorce it's worth putting your cards out on the table and saying what you need from your husband. Let his family think badly of you, it's worth it to try save your marriage. Let your husband know you're serious

Don’t do Christmas. But, it’s not worth a divorce. Just jog on without them.

Is it childish of me to think this as well? Part of me does not want to give up on our marriage because that would mean they win, i would be nothing and they would be everything, i know its silly 🙈

Can you not say that no one can come over more than once a week, which will apply to your in laws and your dad?

Well let’s be honest, you have a DH problem.

Either you go NC with these bastards and they are banned from your home, or you split up.

It seems your DH has no problem with you being treated like shit but mummy can’t possibly be upset. Time for an ultimatum.

A rule is being made that nobody who has insulted me in my own home this year is going to be invited to me hosting Christmas. Dad hasn't insulted you, MIL and SIL have, would you look at that, actions have consequences! Go NC with his family, let him manage that side but I'd immediately shut my doors to anyone that had insulted me. Nope not doing that. Have the life you deserve, I'll be over her in peace and bliss thank you.

Thank you, ive had an absolute belly full and cannot imagine the rest of my life feeling like this every single day with husband not bothering to do anything about it. I really have put him in the same category as them by now, i feel like its them against me

It's not "winning" to stay married to someone who lets you be treated like shit.

Also not inviting your dad is a completely different issue and not comparable at all.

But it is 100% what he would turn around and say

@Longsummerdays1 well the question would be... do you love your husband? If your falling out of love with him then a divorce maybe...
BUT .. if your just sick of his family then I would say a divorce is an overreaction.

Just set boundaries with MIL and put her straight. I'm sure if she likes to argue then this will annoy her and she will fall out with you.. problem solved. She won't want to come around anymore

You also need to grow a pair.

True im a people pleaser. Fuck that ive had enough.

It is never a good idea to be living too close to family.. Could you convince your husband to move out somewhere else? It would alienate some of the proble.

Unfortunately its not possible for us to move

Go over to your DF’s house & cook/eat there for Christmas Day. Leave dH to it - he can prep, cook & clean by himself. Whilst you have a lovely calm day.