Would you/ Have you divorce because of in-laws?

[Longsummerdays1]

Just that really.

Have you done so/ considered doing so?

My FIL is lovely, but is a ‘yes man’ to MIL and SIL. My MIL has caused me no end of grief and upset, she is extremely childish and thrives off falling out, she has driven more or less the whole of poor FIL’s family away with her drama. SIL is very similar and takes great pleasure in telling me that I am ‘nothing’ to them (doesn’t stop her coming around every Christmas for her lunch and devouring a 3 course meal without a thanks). DH tolerates them as he has all his life but I have just about had enough and cannot bear them for much longer.

This sounds lovely if only DH had a clue 😂

Who cares if he doesn't? It's not your problem.

YouTube exists if he wants to learn to cook.

Its a problem, I dont mind cooking for us / Father. I do mind horrid in-laws though

My MIL was a a lovely woman but her ex husband on the other hand…….total cunt. They had 6 kids and DH was the only one that bothered with him(they didn’t see each other when we first got married but reconciled a few years ago). He was a vile bully and DH, even in his 50’s was scared of him. FIL really liked me when he first met me but quickly went off me when he realised I wouldn’t put up with his shit. He tried to bully our 2 DS’s, that’s when I banned him from our home.
DH carried on visiting him for a while after but one day somehow grew a pair and told him exactly what he thought of him. How he’d ruined their childhood with bullying and beatings and beating their mum.
Hw died a couple of years ago and not one of his children went to his funeral. Out of 11 grandchildren only one went (all adults and made their own decisions).

Go away for Christmas...

Love @AnneLovesGilbert comment

"If he's happy to have people in the house openly disrespecting his wife he doesn't deserve you."

Sorry maybe my OP wasnt that clear, Christmas is just a tiny example of how rude SIL is in general and not the main problem, it was just an example of how SIL is towards me.

Here’s the thing @Longsummerdays1 for whatever reason they don’t like you, so being a people pleaser or telling them to go to fuck, they still don’t like you. That is not going to change, so tell them to go fuck themselves. Go low or no contact, how they behave is not going to change. So the only person who can do anything is you. They might as well not like you from a distance. One thing I’ve learnt is that I will always be the bad person to my in laws regardless of what I do, me keeping seeing them only hurts me. So I choose not to put myself there and I’m happier for it.

Sort of divorced ILs as I insisted we move back to my country out of the UK. Such a relief to be surrounded by people who loved me and rarely had to see or even talk on the phone to them . I did the right thing and made sure DCs kept a relationship up as they were OK grandparents from a distance. Nobody should have to put up with crap in their own house.

My in-laws were lovely people.
My ex was an arsehole.
Hard to believe they came from the same family.

They have been the problem, behaving as they wish, no manners. Your husband is unable to deal with that and panders to them despite bad behaviour, does not have your back. What would happen if YOU became the problem, dishing out a rude comment here or there. 'Hey, SIL, I really can't stand having you lot over, you are nothing to me..'

Do it!

Go out for Xmas lunch and take DF and kids with you. DH will either have to come with you or entertain on his own.

Very similar situation here, except my IL's have been verbally abusive & even launched an attack (the first) right before our wedding. It took DH 20 years to realise how out of line their behaviour was. He's very passive & conditioned by a lifetime of a domineering DM. SIL is just as bad, but more subtle (thinks she's a cut above us). MIL only stopped when she crossed the line & DH was forced to address it & threaten NC if they were rude to me again.

MIL still tried to dig, though. The best advice I was given was to imagine their behaviour bouncing off you & back on them, don't absorb it. It's a great exercise as I learned that their behaviour has nothing to do with me & who I am. I saw them as pathetic. I also stopped trying to be nice & was minimal contact. I never retaliated. No point.

It's incredibly empowering to be free of their negative behaviour. I refuse to do Christmas with them (dull & BIL finds new ways to mansplain to me). MIL has passed so SIL has stepped up about but has no power over me.

So just do your thing & they'll become annoying people you have to deal with occasionally.

Thank you all for your replies. Feeling very defeated about everything today. I have asked him to confront his sister about the way she talks to me and the things she has said, his reply is “I will if it ever crops up” I would run to defend him in a heart beat if this was the other way around m :(

I can only imagine that the way you are talking to him about this is not properly communicating how strongly you feel about it.
You can’t just make throwaway comments about what you want him to do etc, you need to ask him to sit down, phones away, TV off, and talk face to face about what has been going on, how you are feeling, and that you’ve decided you’ve had enough. HE needs to understand, properly, where you’re at.

Then, it’s up to him. You could even say to him that your future as a couple hinges on him having your back on this issue.

Good luck!

Your problem isn't your Inlaws, your problem is your DH!
It's time to put some boundaries in place or walk away!

How about - you and DCs go to your DF this year and DH chooses whether to come? It might break the cycle. You can still cook etc if you don’t want to put upon your DF too much.

Really though, you have multiple valid reasons for not inviting the ILs and DH shouldn’t be able to control your DF coming who causes no issues.

But yeah - this