I can't help her, can I?

[Coffeeandcrocs]

I am presented with a very uncomfortable situation and just need some other voices to hopefully confirm what I'm doing is the right thing.

In short, DD's DF ( ex DP of 9 years ) married a woman from Canada who came over on a spousal visa 6 years ago after a long distance relationship. DD loved her and I really liked her too, we would communicate regularly and even have coffee together. She was a fantastic step parent and I really appreciated her presence and input into DDs life.

When she renewed her visa application, it asked about DD and their relationship and I had to provide an email confirming that ex DP had parental responsibility and stating his wife cared for our child x nights a week alongside him.

Last August, she left him after discovering he had been cheating on her leopards don't change their spots it seems . I was the first person she called when she discovered this, I ordered her comfort and words of wisdom having been in the same situation myself, also choosing to know my worth and leave.

They have remained married but she moved out of their property a few weeks after the separation and she has now moved on with her life, no chance of reconciliation. She is settled here, has a good friendship network, a good career and has no desire to go back to Canada and we keep in touch but do not speak often. Her relationship with DD had naturally fizzled and she and ex DP have a very strained relationship now.

Here is my issue :

She has contacted me saying she now needs to apply for leave to remain and the application is asking about DD again, specifically about responsibility as before. She has said she knows it's an uncomfortable situation for everyone but that she would appreciate it if I could send an email like last time for the application, Ex DP would need to do the same.

I can't do it can I? Morally I am very conflicted and really feel for her situation and the situation he has put her in but I can't see a way I can support her with this application without lying and committing what I think is a criminal offence.

(Added by MNHQ at request of OP) *exDH and her are still married til her leave to remain is granted.

YABU - you should just write the email
YANBU - no, you are right. You cannot help

I think you can probably write something that both satisfies your conscience on being honest, without completely abandoning her to the Home Office by being clear about their past relationship and vague about its current status.

Was she the other woman?

No, she was not the other woman. They met 2 years post me leaving him when he was already living with someone else ( also not the other woman, there was never just one woman )

Can you write that although she and ex have spilt up, she is an important part of your DD’s life and DD looks to her for parental support rather than to her dad?

Unfortunately on spousal visa the only thing that matters is her relationship with her husband, if its over she has to try and change visa.

She'll be trying to get a visa granted on the basis of having family here (ie your DD) and genuine connections to the UK. If she's asking you to pad it out to state she is an integral part of your DDs life then I wouldn't because it sounds like she isn't any more.

She's grasping a bit I think in order to stay here. What she should have done is not left the cheating bastard until she had ILR.

Well, he's not going to write an email like that, too, is he?

She rarely sees your daughter. I wouldn't write it, I'm afraid. Why would you write something untrue about someone's deep connection to your daughter?

No because they are claiming to still be married.

I believe he will as he feels very guilty ( rightly so ) about the situation and they are alluding to still being married so she can remain here.

Well if you all like each other, why not ask her to look after your DD occasionally. Then you won’t have to lie with regard to that. Are you expected to know the living arrangements of your ex husband and his wife for the purposes of the form?

DD did see her initially after the separation but ex SM really struggled and would get very emotional which in turn made DD very emotional. DD stopped asking to see her and it has naturally faded.

Last time I had to confirm his parental responsibility, our contact schedule and the fact that ex SM was present during those times and cared for DD.

It's an awful situation, for both of you, but no, I wouldn't lie/break the law for her. What a shame.

I'm sorry but I would not be happy to write that email. Sadly these things come back to bite you on the bum. If there was a query then you really could not, in all good conscience, say that she saw your DD regularly and cared for her. What your ex does is up to him, but I would stay out of it.

Go with your gut. This is wrong / fraud.

You also need to consider your DD privacy - can you lie or obfuscate on her behalf?

Your obligations are misplaced - the exW clearly didnt concern herelf with your DDs emotional welfare since.

You reap what you sow.

It’s a horrible situation. I think I’d say to her that I couldn’t provide a letter with outright lies in it - especially one involving your child. But I would be happy to say nothing and ignore all attempts from visa people to contact me.

If your exH wants to say they are still married, good for him, he screwed up and should feel guilty. But he can’t say that she is supporting in a parental role any more, if they need you to verify this.

I'd do it. It's just a technicality isn't it?

If they're keeping up the pretense of marriage to get her ILR then your letter is irrelevant, like I said its about her relationship to her husband

your DD has no contact with her. There is no relationship to mention in a letter.

if you do this it is fraud

I guess the best you could do is something like:

”DD has always liked, respected and valued ex DH’s wife [not a lie, they are still married] and in my opinion she has been a positive influence on DD and done her best to be a good step mother.”

My advice, Do not do it, and say to her you cant get involved as you are not a liar. YANBU.

Great point! The daughter when older, will be asked and roped in potentially! Its a definite no.

They are planning on divorcing after the leave to remain is granted. Don't think either of them have clocked that the Home Office will be looking for things like that...

So she was the OW (but to another woman?)

Not the point of the thread I appreciate but you reap what you sow and all that.

Can this not all be done without you or your DD's involvement? I mean why did she get brought into it in the first place?

Surely she can get someone else to write on her behalf.
You don’t have that connection now.

Daily Mail says if you have a cat, you can stay in UK!

I would be putting my daughter first and that would mean not breaking the law for someone who actually doesn’t see her anymore anyway. I wouldn’t get involved.