To skip the next in-law family meet up. I find myself disliking family the more I learn about them...

[AberdeenQueen]

After a weekend away, I found myself disliking each family individual just a little bit more than I did before. Some for new really trivial reasons, some because I found them hard work socially 20 years ago and still do today.

We don't live near each other, but I feel a bit sad that out of 12 people there's not one that I didn't have to pull myself together to make an effort with.

I am now fully up to speed with what they do, did, want to be, hobbies etc some was repeats of old conversations, some new. No one at all asked me what I do, did or want to do (and I have stuff going on). I was asked about my husband's job.

I'm full of HRT and recently had old friends to stay who I really enjoyed. Just bloody in-law family have left me completely numb inside and they are talking about repeating the whole bloody charade within a few months again.

AIBU to skip the next meet up.

It seems like you just have a different way of communicating than what they do. And different expectations.

Yep, it feels like that. DH isn't but then he also tends to just go quiet around them or wonder off to complete a task elsewhere

No, the normal thing would be to say "Cool, lucky you, how'd you snag that, what was it like". The self-centred approach would be to completely ignore the conversational input and go off on one about yourself as the ILs apparently do!

Do you ask once about someone’s job and then never ever again? This was the simplest of sentences, I don’t understand where you got your take.

Each to their own. I'd ask something similar but I wouldn't even notice if someone didn't ask me. I also wouldn't go into any kind of detail about the horse box, maybe 1 question but coming away knowing so much about it is not normal run of the mill.

Don't blame you at all. I am not attending the next gathering with ILs for similar reasons. I will protect my sanity and mental wellbeing thank you!

Stupid logic. So if I meet up with 12 members of the EDL and I don’t get on with them, i’m the problem?

Families do have a tendency to be quite similar btw.

YANBU OP the fact they didn’t bother asking you anything shows they’re not really interested in you at all or have 0 skills in how good conversations/relationships work.

Life is too short

You remind me of my best friend and your in-laws are like my family.

I was brought up to think that in conversations you take turns to talk about yourself. The polite bit is that you take turns and that what you talk about is triggered by something your partner said. I was told it was impolite to ask people questions - don't be nosey.

So your horsebox/lamo conversation makes perfect sense. You were supposed to elaborate on your lambo. They probably think you were mental for asking lots of detailed questions.

My bestie is like you, introduces a topic and asks questions but waits to be asked. She keeps score, 'i asked him 4 questions and he asked me nothing!'

I believe in polite society your method is the approved one. It took me many years to figure this out and I still have to constantly remind myself to ask questions.

Anyway, I think you can do what you like, I'd go to occasional meet ups but not feel I had to make any effort.

I have to say, I have an absolute blast with weird people. I play mental games like “how many times can I ask a question without being asked one?” I think of it as a duty, enjoy the food and schmooze. My MiL doesn’t like me much, but we bond over food and how amazing her daughter is. But if it were regular I’d find it quite hard.

Not really - do you not think it’s unusual to not get on with even 1 person out of 12? No one is saying the OP needs to be best friends with any of them, but quite frankly, if my partner didn’t get on with 12 members of my family… I’d be thinking it was a ‘him’ problem

OP has friends whom she feels at ease and happy with, so no, the problem isn't her!
Ignore the put-downs OP, I didn't form deep connections with my ILs either, and began to distance myself from family gatherings because I felt uneasy. Like you , I do have very good close friends. We vibe with some people more than others, that perfectly normal and healthy and doesn't indicate that there's anything seriously wrong with us! Look after yourself OP!

OP my in-laws are like this. Never interested or ask questions about me, or get excited about good things etc. I find that if I don't put it the effort then the relationship doesn't exist.

But I think that's just the way they are, I've seen them like that with other people, only 'switching on' for a rare few.

I need to re-calibrate and get back into putting an effort in. They are family, my children's family now and won't be around forever.

I relate, sometimes you think, 'what's the point?', for me, I think those periods rear up & then I just need to ride them out and keep going with them.

Well TBH I entirely sympathise with being forced to spend time with family you don't get on with.

But your Lamborghini example sounds like you were playing Top Trumps. Do you do that alot? i have a family member who always has to be better than anyone else and I tend to tune her out a bit I am afraid. I know it's her insecurity but it's a bit tiring to feel like she is always looking to compete.

But I also agree that families tend to revert to childhood dynamics. This is one reason why I cannot stand spending time with my mother when she and her sisters get together. It turns into a shit fest where they all become 12 years old again.

You could have made that a narrative rather than a one sentence. Well last week I got this fantastic offer and I got to drive a really incredible car, I took it to blah blah blah and got to road test it all at works expense... I'm not quite sure what I would say to the bare fact of you driving a posh car in response to a discussion about a horse box, my MIL would probably say that's nice, not having a clue what the car was.

I think I’d be a bit flummoxed by this change in conversation and not really know what was expected of me to be honest. I’d probably make some sort of vaguely interested noise and move on.

It just sounds like you have very different interests and personalities. In terms of how unreasonable it would be to not go, that depends…How important is it to your other half that you go? How often do you see them and if it’s not very often can you just put up with it for a few hours.

I think the significant part of the OP is I'm full of HRT

Welcome to your Fuck It Phase, OP! There’s nothing like menopause for giving you a sense of “why am I even bothering with this nonsense?”

I have shed so much extraneous crap from
my life since menopause took away the cushion of Be Nice hormones from my day to day life. It’s great!

Go to the occasional family thing but in general, find yourself inexplicably booked up on all suggested dates. And enjoy your freedom!

Members of the same family are often quite similar though. So if you don't get on with one, you'll not get on with the rest.

What does DH think? Does he think his family are difficult to get on with?

I really don’t think it’s you actually. There are nearly 10 in-laws I see weekly, and I don’t get on with any of them. As in REALLY get on with. I mean I can sit and fake a good conversation and ask them about themselves (never ask about me, or my children) and get along for the sake of it, gradually shrinking with each interaction and daydreaming about doing the washing up instead, and then come away feeling entirely drained and empty and like I was just there to make up numbers and do the polite thing but it honestly serves me no purpose at all in my life.

so I don’t go as regularly anymore either. I think it’s a good thing OP. They may ask you more if they see you less. Well done you, I say!

Not sure I’m with you on that - I’m one of 4 siblings and we are all completely different!!

Skpping depends on what the next meet up is and how often they are. Casual Sunday lunch that you have several times a year? Skip it. Grandmother's 100th birthday or family weding/funeral? Don't skip it. Sunday lunch twice a year? I wouldn't skip it.

Possibly there's some birth order clichés at work
BIL, the eldest, takes on a leadership role whether asked or not, with confidence, even not in his field.
DH, the middle, will disappear, unblock a drain then reappear.
SIL, youngest, fewest childhood photos, still jumping up and down, notice me.

I guess us partners all mirror that as well.
It just felt like a long, long weekend and I had an epic drive for work on Monday to dwell on it.

TBF it sounds like a pretty shit weekend.

I can see that if she communicates the same way she writes.

Just reduce your contact if it's that big and issue for you.

They were talking about horse boxes and you brought up driving a car….no relevance to the original conversation.

It's just an example @Anoisagusaris but it went from talking about the driving position, eg hauling yourself up to be king of the road (which they quite liked but have to be careful judging the drop getting down) to me saying in contrast I drove a Lamborghini this week. (They won't know but it was a car not a tractor and I had to basically crawl out whilst my team laughed with me) I didn't get time to add anything after the initial 'I drove a lambo' more because they were off listing car makes they'd driven.

I find the previous posts about the turn taking but polite not to ask questions type of dialogue interesting.

And I might just have to have an extra bump of HRT for each major interaction. I do feel I've become a less tolerant miserable cow.