To skip the next in-law family meet up. I find myself disliking family the more I learn about them...

[AberdeenQueen]

After a weekend away, I found myself disliking each family individual just a little bit more than I did before. Some for new really trivial reasons, some because I found them hard work socially 20 years ago and still do today.

We don't live near each other, but I feel a bit sad that out of 12 people there's not one that I didn't have to pull myself together to make an effort with.

I am now fully up to speed with what they do, did, want to be, hobbies etc some was repeats of old conversations, some new. No one at all asked me what I do, did or want to do (and I have stuff going on). I was asked about my husband's job.

I'm full of HRT and recently had old friends to stay who I really enjoyed. Just bloody in-law family have left me completely numb inside and they are talking about repeating the whole bloody charade within a few months again.

AIBU to skip the next meet up.

If you don’t get on with 12 people, I’d assume the problem is you?

I feel like you can skip any meet up you want to for any reason you fancy - it's not going to be compulsory!

Is there really not a single person of 12 that you enjoy or can tolerate spending time with? It just seems slightly wild that there's not a single one!

As usual @Lizzie67384 first post probably nails it.

I understand, I think it’s ok to skip some or all, but you don’t get to complain later if you feel pushed out or marginalised

12 people is a lot....maybe you just have no patience. Why did they leave you feeling numb? Nothing you describe suggests numb. Just a minor dislike or lack of patience.

People are annoying as fuck. I sympathise op. YANBU if you can avoid the next one. It depends on the family set up though.

Was your partner not there? Why did they ask you about him?

Are you generally bad at conversations? You don't have to wait to be asked but can just bring in your experiences and background etc as relevant

you don’t have to go every time but probably your husband would like you to be there sometimes. What does he think about his family?

I guess op it maybe comes down to what your expectations are of them? You mention your old friends coming to stay - you enjoyed that because those are the people who you chose to keep in your life. Your in laws aren't people you've chosen, they've just come along with your spouse. So maybe not a fair comparison.

You don't have to be best friends with any of them and it sounds like maybe you're putting too much pressure on yourself to make that happen? Its a big ask to expect to go away with any 12 people and spend a lot of contained time together without grating on each other eventually. So maybe its about accepting it for what it is. There are things about them that irk you, there are probably things about you that irk them from time to time (you're human at the end of the day). If you do go again I think you've going in with reasonable expectations for it, bring a good book, go for walks, keep yourself occupied with things you actually like and be civil to everyone and make the effort with the ones who bug you less without any expectation of them.

I would be inclined to attend rather than avoid because that will likely come across as a slight and if they're your spouses family (and it sounds like they are getting to be close) then I'd want to support that.

I guess op it maybe comes down to what your expectations are of them? You mention your old friends coming to stay - you enjoyed that because those are the people who you chose to keep in your life. Your in laws aren't people you've chosen, they've just come along with your spouse. So maybe not a fair comparison.

Exactly. My ILs are sort of like colleagues, only in my life by chance, because of who I married. I'm quite fond of them in a distant kind of way, but they have zero interest in me, and we're very different types of people. I think I said this on another thread recently, but I recently overheard my MIL telling a neighbour who'd asked what I did for a living that she didn't know! (I've been with her son since the 1990s, and we both trained for the same job, which I've been doing ever since...)

I'm not sure this is necessarily the case. At family gatherings people tend to revert to childhood roles, so it may be the overall dynamic that you don't really like. It sounds like they don't make an effort to talk to you either, so again this might be some learned family behaviour of "this is the way we do things in our family, everyone else likes it or lumps it". It might be 12 people, but it's not 12 individual random people.

Whereas your friends are people you've picked because you get on with them and have shared interests and opinions.

Why did your in laws ask about your husbands job? Was your husband there?

You have known them for 20 years? But didn’t really know anything about them? That suggests you haven’t really bothered to try to get to know them until now?

No wonder they didn’t ask about you. They are used to you not being interested in them or sharing anything about yourself

I am now fully up to speed with what they do, did, want to be, hobbies etc some was repeats of old conversations, some new. No one at all asked me what I do, did or want to do (and I have stuff going on). I was asked about my husband's job.

I think that to construe that sentence as meaning that this recent meeting was the first time in 20 years that the OP has listened to and learned about the in-laws family, is wilfully to attribute rudeness to her. You see the reference to “repeats of old conversations “?

With age comes less patience of time wasters... They are wasting your precious time when it's obvious they don't care about you. Be less available.. They really won't be bothered..

Ok. I read it different.

Though in fairness I don’t really understand your point.

Yes I do see the reference to repeats of old conversations. I would expect to have conversations about the same topics, if I knew people for 20 years. At least occasionally.

I have nice inlaws but they know very little about me, even though we are married 30+ years.
I enjoy meeting up with them when it suits me.
If it doesn't I don't.
No discussion, no explanation.
In your case OP, I wouldn't dream of doing that again.
See them again in a time sensitive setting, for an evening occasionally, definitely not a weekend.
See more of those you enjoy.

Thank you for all your posts, I'm re reading and trying to approach it from different directions.

They are colleagues, my relationship is through DH. MIL repeatedly made it clear when we first got together and when BIL split up with girlfriends "I said keep in touch but I didn't mean it"
So to a point that does set the dynamic. SIL constantly expresses surprise or over informs me about events I was there for in our 20s, 30 years ago.

Here's an example. They've just bought a new horse box, I say what's it like to drive, then a few more questions from the answer.
Then I said ' in contrast I drove a Lamborghini last week' (at work) to get no follow up questions just a list of makes of cars they have driven over their entire life.
This pattern happened repeatedly over the weekend, just a series of monologues responding to prompts.

My point was to challenge the assumptions underlying your question to the OP
You have known them for 20 years? But didn’t really know anything about them? That suggests you haven’t really bothered to try to get to know them until now? ,

which seemed unfair and not justified by what she’d said.

I've also had a healthy scare recently, so am very aware that resources, time and financial are n't infinite.

Then I said ' in contrast I drove a Lamborghini last week' (at work) to get no follow up questions just a list of makes of cars they have driven over their entire life.

Is this not just a normal conversation though!

So using my example I now know the different routes to buying a box, the values, the factors that influence value, how it feels to drive and lots more details.
They know nothing more than I drove a car, not why did I have access to it, where, why, how, just nothing.
That's not a conversation, a conversation could contrast different driving positions with makes or ages when you first drove or a bucket list exchange not just another vomit of one-sided information.
I have conversations with work colleagues or friends but not my in-laws!

Nah I get it OP, for whatever reason some people are just not social and in tight-knit groups like families what is true for one or one set of parents sort of cascades.

My MIL is perfectly nice in her own way, but spends her life bouncing off the walls of what is a very limited frame of reference. She will talk to you endlessly about people the family holidayed with in the '80s, her children's school friends and their lives that she knows, but has no interest in things like their jobs as adults or the houses they live in, not even particularly in their children. It definitely doesn't leave conversational room for in-laws.

What is weird is how many conversations with her children in her absence cover the same ground. It's like they have a set list.

As you say, life is short. Use your time wisely and in ways that bring you joy.

In your example, you know a load of irrelevant information (to me) that I'd never ask, and I'm not sure I know anyone else that would. Your comment back about in contrast I drove a lambourghini to me was a statement. Like jeez you drove that and I drove this. Are you the type of person who wants to know lots about everything?

Ah my in laws are like this. As is DH to some extent. Their dynamic is to be rather boastful and competitive with one another. They like me as I ask them questions and show interest. I do find their company very draining.

@Janeir0 well one never knows when that all might come in handy. They seemed keen to talk, no filter for the key points amongst the midst of a fairly drawn out process. And for that example pulling together lots of aspects of something could give you a window into a different world. I just probably didn't then need the run down on all the named things of a category they had experienced.