To find it insulting to have colleagues offering to pay for meal

[Crumblelog]

There's a work meal in a few weeks for the whole department. I work in the administrative team (though not in a supporting role to the colleagues in question), there are 5 of us and unfortunately only one of us can attend (different reasons, childcare, one has dietary requirements that cannot be met by venue etc.) It's not expected we attend. The other group of colleagues is about 30 in number and approx. 18 are going, it's very casual. The 18 are split across 4 different sections.

That's the background! Today the overall boss of our department came into the office and said the colleagues had had a whip round and could pay for the 4 other administrative team members to come to the meal and clearly expected immediate gratitude.

I found it really, really insulting. For context it's a chain restaurant and although the pay isn't huge, it's nothing like minimum wage. Everyone can afford to pay for their own meal! I just felt so small in that moment.

I'm not sure if iabu or not.

I'm guessing they thought the other 4 had declined due to finances. It's a nice but unnecessary gesture

What happened when they were told the whip round won’t solve child care problems or improve the menu?

I can understand this, but the way it was done for OP is quite patronising indeed.
If they had sent the original invite to them saying the meal would be paid for, it would have come across differently.

Very patronising. yanbu op.

so you don't think it's an issue to ask a 24 year old on a starting graduate salary of £28k, who owes £60k in student loans and is in their overdraft well before the end of the month to 'chip in' for the 55 year old admin assistant on the same wage, who has paid off their mortgage and has no debts and whose partner earns £70k?

I think that's awful, a really old fashioned and paternalistic attitude. I'm glad it's never been 'what's done' anywhere I've worked. I'd be upset I couldn't afford it and worrying about how I'd eat the rest of the week as the graduate and embarrassed at the offer as the recipient.

And when I say "I" I'm not using my over-active imagination as @SaffronsMadAboutMe suggests - I've worked both the admin role, then gone to uni and done the professional role and wouldn't like OP's scenario from either POV.

This is different situation to mine, there are only three people in their 30s (all in my team) in the department, most of the colleagues I'm talking about are 45+ with a lot being in their 60s. The 4 younger members of the team all have degrees!

In most companies the more senior staff earn more and the admin staff earn less, often significantly so. As such, that’s I assume why this was done. They know you earn much less so they paid.

you seem sensitive about that, the whole I’ve more disposable money and I don’t support them anyway. Makes me think you don’t wish them to see you as support staff who earns less. The question is why, if it’s factual. It’s not a slur?

But we don't all earn less (I do), and no one earns so little they can't afford a meal in pizza express, regardless of other factors. That's what's annoying.

I get that, but they aren’t sitting looking at salaries and saying well we will pay for Jane and not Fred.

simoly over all admin staff tend to earn less, and also be the support staff, so paying for their meal is a nice thing to do. I understand you don’t feel this way, but I am sure it wasn’t done as they think you’re so poor you can’t afford. Pizza express.

I would just think.it was a nice gesture of appreciation to the admin team. I don't think there is any reason to be offended by it.

It's not a company, it's a department. There's no boss earning mega money. Well there is, but none of us know her!

Yes, that makes sense. I think they just got a bit too giddy at the 'gift'. Anyway, it was awkward because they had to return the money!

I’d go with this. We’ve done this in a couple of companies. Obviously it would be better if the company foot the bill for everyone.

I’m a relatively high income earner and if so someone paid for my meal I would not be offended.
I’d be happy to get a free meal but then I don’t have an ego about being given free stuff. My husband would probably be offended as he hates people thinking he’s short of cash.
Personally I want people to think I’m poor so they don’t try and take advantage of me and think that’ll I’ll pay 😅

Why did they need to return the money?

Because as per the OP 4 of the 5 admin people had already said they weren't able to attend the meal due to things like no childcare and the restaurant not catering for dietary requirements. The whip round wasn't going to magically get rid of those reasons for not attending.

I don’t know that I’d be outraged, but I can see why it might come across as:

They haven’t bothered to find out why you don’t want to go. They’ve made an assumption that they like this place and you admin staff would too if only you could afford it. So they will be magnanimous and help you out.

Which is a bit condescending.

Why did they need to return the money?

It sounds well-meaning but a bit misguided on their part. I can see where you're coming from.

I think it's insulting that they treat you differently to other team members. I'd just say I can pay for myself thank you.

Didn't u ask at the time why they had a whip round for yous and who instigated it?

It's odd out of 30 staff from one department, only 18 are going but they had a whip round for 4 other people they don't work with. I'd be asking why.

If it's a company/department meal the company should be paying.

If it's a meal that staff have decided to go on themselves everyone should pay for their own.

If the company can't afford to pay for a staff meal, look for a new job quickly.

My bosses do this for admin staff too. I’m never offended. I thank them very much and eat my meal

Blimey, of course it's insulting! I see exactly what you mean op. It's really condescending.

So now the people that didn’t want to go don’t have the money excuse and need to think of another one
it’s shouldn’t be forced