To find it insulting to have colleagues offering to pay for meal

[Crumblelog]

There's a work meal in a few weeks for the whole department. I work in the administrative team (though not in a supporting role to the colleagues in question), there are 5 of us and unfortunately only one of us can attend (different reasons, childcare, one has dietary requirements that cannot be met by venue etc.) It's not expected we attend. The other group of colleagues is about 30 in number and approx. 18 are going, it's very casual. The 18 are split across 4 different sections.

That's the background! Today the overall boss of our department came into the office and said the colleagues had had a whip round and could pay for the 4 other administrative team members to come to the meal and clearly expected immediate gratitude.

I found it really, really insulting. For context it's a chain restaurant and although the pay isn't huge, it's nothing like minimum wage. Everyone can afford to pay for their own meal! I just felt so small in that moment.

I'm not sure if iabu or not.

Perhaps it's to do with the fact they can claim back expenses but you can't? Or an appreciation of what the administrative team do?

It sounds like the reasons for your department not attending hadn't filtered back to everyone else, so they thought it was financial with it being most of your team.

They clearly wanted you all there so tried to do something nice. No need to be offended.

I’m not sure why you’re so outraged — is the implication you think they don’t think you can afford the meal? Why wouldn’t it just be an act of appreciation for the admin staff?

Perhaps they just wanted to acknowledge the support they get from the admin team and thought it was a simple way of saying thank you without getting into gifting policies / accusations of favouritism etc.

This often happened where I worked as seniors we attempted to show gratitude by buying some drinks at an evening out.

I dunno, depends on the type of team spirit, my work did a whip around for a colleague in financial need to the tune of a few big bills once. But I can also see how it would feel patronising too. Why didn’t they know you guys didn’t want to go?

I voted YANBU because I don’t like to be paid for and I’m projecting that here :)

Was it the tone he used and the way it was approached that annoyed you. I remember something similar happening to me years and years ago and I'm a normally rational person and I actually was a low earner as the receptionist and I loved getting a treat but I remember feeling like telling the particular staff member to shove the lunch in question up his arse. I remember it being said in a very condescending way.

I think it's a nice gesture 🤷‍♂️

And one which you don't have to accept.

What's 'insulting' about it?

If they’d have done the same for any team member I don’t think it can be construed as insulting. Maybe insulting if it’s just for the admin team that already said no 🤷🏽‍♀️

Yes, it was the tone that irked me. We don't really support them, so they don't need to thank us if you see what I mean. I'm married with no children, I probably have more disposable income than a lot who paid in (though they may have done so reluctantly!)

Oh yes they definitely wouldn't have done it for a junior, some of whom are on a lower salary than my boss within the team.

So you're insulted because you think they may think you don't have much money?

So the people who contributed to the whip round might not have wanted to? Sounds a bit odd. Why would people be 'expected' to pay for others? Sounds as if someone told the big boss that your colleagues couldn't afford to go.

I am relatively senior in a public sector role. It would absolutely be normal for senior staff to pay for junior staff on these occasions from the best intentions. You can’t be offended on behalf of others and if it were me I would hate to think I had offended anyone. Clumsily done perhaps but well intended

I don't know as insulting is the right word but yes, it gives the opinion they think you are less. Less what, I'm not quite sure but you need their money to be able to go.

I'd be irked and if I did go I'd make damn sure I paid for my own now. Alternatively, I'd say "that's kind but finances are not the reason I can't attend".

I used to have a boss who regularly arranged work nights out that were self funded. Sometimes I'd say it was the wrong end of the month and I couldn't afford it. She would always offer to pay and whilst I never accepted, I never took offence. I think it's the whip round that makes it so.

I get you @Crumblelog. They made it feel like charity and you don’t need their charity.

Yeah I can see your point and I'd feel the same.

It's very weird to assume finances are the reason the others aren't coming when it's not an expensive restaurant - it would be a more supportive gesture to do the event/organise a second one during a lunchtime so childcare colleague could make it, or move the venue so dietary requirement colleague could.

Also as you say who knows how willingly people contributed - I work in a similar dynamic - and tbh really wouldn't appreciate being asked to pay for the admin team to go out for food - firstly because we work on increments, so the top of their pay grade isn't much lower than mine, secondly because as you say, we have different circumstances that aren't just binary well paid/lower paid, some of them are at least 20/30 years older than me and others in my team, which both makes it awkward to think of 'treating' them, and again means they, having paid off mortgages and not having any childcare costs, compared to not even being able to afford a deposit/struggling with interest rates and childcare, are often in a far better financial position despite technically earning less. Also because it is just a bit weird! I wouldn't even pay for my friends to have a random meal for no reason (i.e. not their birthday or anything), so really wouldn't like the expectation of having to pay for a colleague.

Yes senior staff sometimes treat more junior staff, but almost always their direct reports, not a completely different team. Plus 'senior' staff usually means properly senior, management etc, again, not everyone in the office who earns slightly more.

you don't see what's insulting about saying 'Sorry I can't come to pizza express next week, I'm gluten intolerant, but you guys have fun!' and your manager essentially saying 'Aw, bless you, don't worry, we've all discussed it behind your back and decided the real reason is because you can't afford it on your little pocket money wage, so we've all put a quid in so you can come! You're welcome!'

With an blatant undercurrent of 'although we know nothing about your financial position other than you earn less than us with our big important jobs'?

It would be slightly different if it was a 'the team are so grateful for all the work you've done this year that we're covering your meal.' Although tbh I'd still not be a huge fan from either side of it. But as OP has explained, she doesn't work for those who contributed, they are two completely separate areas of the business. There's no reason for them to cover her team, and offering to do so is both implying they are lying about their reasons for not going and pressuring them to come to a non-obligatory event when they can't/don't want to.

Free food!!! Yay!

Blimey, you have a massively overactive imagination 🤣🤣

Little pocket money wage is hilarious!

But in the real world it's a nice offer, unless of course someone has a massive chip on their shoulder about their 'success'.

I'd just have said thank you very much and moved on with my free meal.

It's not insulting/bad of them to try to help someone that they think might need help (you). And it's not insulting if people think they are richer than you - why would you care if they think that? It's bloody great actually, if you think about it!

I think you're choosing the worst interpretation of this, honestly. Especially since it wasn't focused on you specifically, it's an attempt to treat all the admin staff and make it easier for them to come (and remember that while it may be well within your budget, that doesn't mean another admin hasn't made an excuse because it isn't within theirs). People are not always super smooth when trying to be kind.

I don't think you need to fall all over youself in immense gratitude or whatever. "That's lovely of people to do. I know there were some other conflicts, but I'll let the other admins know in case they can make it after all." Done, move on. No deep analysis or angst needed.

I’ve been kicking in for the admin staff since my very first year of work. It’s just expected at many places, even if you are young and possibly on a lower salary than the admin staff. If you are on the “professional” staff, it’s just what is done.

Stop finding everything offensive and just accept the meal

You wanna pay for my meal?......crack on! 😁

So the offer is to pay for the 4 out 5 members of admin staff who have declined the invitation? What about the 1 who had already accepted? Do they have to pay for themselves?