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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex has joined my gym! AIBU to ask him to leave??

100 replies

gymgymmer · 10/09/2024 19:03

Hi all, am hoping for some pearls of wisdom please 🙏 What would you do??

So I recently spilt from my bf of 18 months. Before that I had told him I was going to join a gym and he made me feel like he didn’t want me to, saying it was a waste of money and gyms are crap etc etc. Once we spilt I joined straight away, I found it hard at first having the guts to go in and get started but I did and am now a month into a training plan which I’m loving. Imagine my surprise though when I saw him last week and he tells me he’s joined the same gym and has been going with a female friend of his (never met her). I now feel so uncomfortable every time I go, sick with worry that I’ll bump into him. It’s really taken the shine off it for me as I was loving it so much. I feel like asking him to move gym. I already know a few people that go there and have joined some classes and running club (which I also am worried he will join) plus I joined first so I really don’t want to be the one to move. Am I being unreasonable? Or should I just get on with it and try not to worry if I see him? It’s causing me some fairly major anxiety every day 😢. Thoughts most welcome please ladies xx

OP posts:
KimberleyClark · 14/09/2024 08:22

You could try the laughing at him approach. "Gosh, of all the gyms in this town you had to join the one I've joined! What on earth is going on in that head of yours?". I agree with a pp that he may not have joined anyway - the "female friend" suggests he's trying to make you jealous. Do you know her?

ThePrologue · 14/09/2024 08:32

Unless he was physically or emotionally abusive, wtf? We all have to fdeal with ex's, people we don't like, people who know us from the past. It's being an adult. Suck it up, because if you can't, life will be very difficult

JaniceBattersby · 14/09/2024 08:37

It’s a fairly pathetic thing for him to do. I’d completely ignore him and every time you are getting ready to do, tell yourself firmly it’s your space, your gym, your friends, and he’s the one who should be elsewhere. Just say hi if you see him and walk past.

As others said, he’ll likely quit when he sees he’s not getting to you.

Beautiful3 · 14/09/2024 08:38

Honestly pretend that it doesn't bother you. He will fizzle out by winter and stop going. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing he's getting to you. If it really bothers you, try changing your hours. You could go late as less people go then.

Over40Overdating · 14/09/2024 08:42

What a sad little man!

The best way to get to people like this is to be completely unbothered. It will drive him mad -and probably into behaviour that will have him thrown out on his arse. Let him walk himself out the door!

Well done on having the courage to go and for sticking with the plan!

SpagBolBowl · 14/09/2024 08:50

Kill him with kindness. At the end of the day he obviously has some kind of revenge issues while you took a step to move on positively. I'd just say hello I hope you are okay and crack on with your workouts and moving forward.

Lemonadeand · 14/09/2024 08:52

You need to get a ridiculously hot gym outfit and always make sure you have lipstick on when you go there. Then just ignore him.

ManchesterGirl2 · 14/09/2024 08:56

You could ask, only you can tell if he's likely to say yes.

Beyond that, I would make a plan of how you'll behave if you see him, so you feel prepared. But probably he'll hardly ever go and you may never bump into him.

SevenSummer · 14/09/2024 08:57

Ignore him if you see him. I know lots of people who go to the same gym as me but I have never seen them there (other people have so they definitely go there). You are still local to each other so there will be times you unexpectedly meet in public where you would prefer him not to be. You need to build some resilience.

GalileoHumpkins · 14/09/2024 09:01

Why is it making you sick with worry? What do you think he's going to do?

SwiftiesVSLestat · 14/09/2024 09:04

So you saw him and stopped to have a chat with him, but feel sick at the thought of seeing him at the gym?

Have you actually seen him in there? If not he probably doesn’t go when you go. So I wouldn’t worry about it.

Hardlyworking · 14/09/2024 09:11

Oh god, I had this after my divorce a few years ago! I get it OP. Nothing worse than being deep in your workout and suddenly spotting the ex glaring at you.

I ended up changing gyms as I couldn't handle the anxiety. Completely ruined the positive gym vibes for me.

My new gym is less flashy but far more welcoming and a lot less grunty smashy men stalking around so win win!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/09/2024 09:14

Seems unlikely that he’s done this for any other reason but to mess with you and make you uncomfortable.

In which case saying something is thé worst thing you can do.

He might get sick of it if he gets no reaction.

LetsSeeHowFarWeveCome · 14/09/2024 09:25

Don't ask him. He wants you to be uncomfortable. He wants you to quit. Do Not Give Him The Satisfaction!

Keep going. Ignore him other than perfunctory politeness when necessary. Chat to your new gym friends. And keep doing you.

OverShrinkerThinker · 14/09/2024 09:25

I'm embarrassed for him

Penguinmouse · 14/09/2024 09:32

This is so pathetic on his part, and a bit controlling too. Do not allow yourself to be bullied or intimidated by this - he didn’t want you to join the gym in the first place so him being there is definitely trying to keep tabs. Go to your training and ignore him. If you are working with a trainer, just remind them that if anyone asks what time you train, you do not want this information shared.

TheOccupier · 14/09/2024 09:44

So annoying but he's obviously done it to piss you off. Ignore him, train harder, invest in gorgeous active wear and ideally start shagging your PT. The ex will soon lose interest and then he'll be stuck in an expensive 1-year contract.

sunseaandsoundingoff · 14/09/2024 09:47

You can tell who in this thread has zero experience with anxiety.

I would go to a different gym. He's clearly trying to sabotage you or get your attention. Just disappear and leave him looking stupid.

OrangeTeabags · 14/09/2024 09:53

You probably know his habits pretty well - morning person/can't get out of bed etc - so choose times you think he is most unlikely to choose (e g very early morning) & carry on.
Choose classes he is unlikely to choose etc.
Or move gyms if it's too anxiety-inducing & that's a possibility for you.
It definitely sounds it's a move designed to piss you off if he's chosen to tell you about it so don't let it.

ladydeedy · 14/09/2024 09:54

He’s your ex. It’s nothing to do with you now however he chooses to spend his time. Stop thinking about him and focus on yourself and your life.
if you live near each other you are likely to bump into one another at some point. Just a quick hi or nod is ok and then move on.

Vodkamummy · 14/09/2024 09:58

I feel he has done this to unsettle you, if you ask him to leave, he is getting the required reaction. Just ignore him, if he talks to you, be polite, but almost grey rock him, just one word answers, don't let him see you're bothered, hopefully he'll soon get bored. Was he coercively controlling or abusive in any way to you? I know these kind of people can be v sneaky and have others believing they've done nothing wrong. Don't give him any ammunition, keep your friends close.

MzHz · 14/09/2024 09:58

sunseaandsoundingoff · 14/09/2024 09:47

You can tell who in this thread has zero experience with anxiety.

I would go to a different gym. He's clearly trying to sabotage you or get your attention. Just disappear and leave him looking stupid.

Edited

Well… moving gyms is not going to deal with the anxiety is it? It’ll just reinforce it.

@gymgymmer has friends at the gym, a routine and connections. She does need to brave it out, he has no right to force her to leave by default.

any more than she has any right to tell him to leave.

All she has to do is keep doing exactly what she always does, one foot in front of the other and it will get easier.

will it be uncomfortable- yes it will.

but she’s not alone, she has history there and he doesn’t. She should feel more entitled to be there than running away will solve

i say this as a former agoraphobic person. I know what anxiety is and getting out there, being uncomfortable but doing it anyway is the way to get some control back.

Liss19 · 14/09/2024 10:03

At the end of the day you dont own the gym. Ide be going and making him see what he lost. Would give me motivation to get ripped haha. Ignore him being there, hes probably just trying to make you feel jealous with the random girl.

Compash · 14/09/2024 10:04

Well, you made the right decision in dumping him, didn't you!

As everyone else says, he's trying to get into your head. Ignore. He'll stop doing it when he doesn't get a reaction.

And if he tries to approach you, report him to the gym for harassment, as you would any random who tried to bother you.

But he's going with this other woman, isn't he? Well fine then, he'll be busy with her!

SD1978 · 14/09/2024 10:07

You can ask, but it just means he knows that he's having the effect he wants. Realistically, you're both locked in to a years contract (I assume) and unless there is a legal reason you can not be in the same place, he has the r same right to be there as you do. You need to ignore him, or lose the membership, there really isn't any other choice