On the verge of divorce over relocating AIBU?

[tabithatwitchetwhatabitch]

Been together 12 years, married 8. Two children 3 and 7.
We both work low income jobs, DH is Nhs and I own my own domestic cleaning business (which I started 2 years ago to be flexible for Ds2 who is autistic) we rent our house from my Dh’s parents at slightly reduced rate but they are traditional landlords in the respect that we have to ask them to make changes in the house and if something breaks they will fix it. We have lived here for 4 years.

DH’s parents are lovely but they are absolute control freaks and are always very involved in our lives whether we want them to be or not, and they do so much for us (childcare, the house!) it feels very ungrateful even typing this but… I feel very much in their pocket and I don’t like it.

I made a suggestion to DH that we put ourselves on the register for social housing, knowing that it won’t be a quick process but will give us possible options down the road (6+ years wait round here) which he responded “fine” recently I found out that where my sister lives the wait for a house is much quicker, its in the countryside (which we love) and we could also apply there because we have a local connection. We could possibly get somewhere in 4 years, and probably a bigger property. I approached DH with this… but its a flat no.

He refuses to consider it because he doesn’t want to move away from his parents who live 10mins down the road currently.

He can’t seem to see all the pros of my idea, for all of us! and he won’t move on it. I’m getting more and more frustrated with his pig headedness and seriously considering calling time on the marriage rather than be trapped.

AIBU?

No advice. There's actually never really a right answer in these situations when people want different things.

DH’s parents are lovely but they are absolute control freaks and are always very involved in our lives whether we want them to be or not, and they do so much for us (childcare, the house!)
You can't have it both ways. If they are heavily involved with childcare then they are going to be heavily involved in it all. Especially if their son is okay with that. If you feel resentful of their involvement then find alternative childcare.

If you move who will be doing the childcare since the PIL won't be able to help? Will there be a job for DH similar in hours and commute/pay, or better prospects? Will you be able to find enough clients in a short time for yourself?

Difficult situation.

I can see why you want to do this. But I can also see that he would like to stay living down the road from his parents.

They'd probably do better to just give you the house and let you do with it what you want. It seems odd applying for social housing when his parents have a spare house that you are actually living in.

Yes but they won’t be in 4/5 years time as kids will both be at school, as it is they just look after the littlest one day a week.

Yes job prospects for me would be good, and him - there are other minimum wage nhs jobs im sure.

Did you not post this same thing recently?

How far away would you want to move? What does countryside mean? Would it mean a complete overhaul on your lifestyle?

I think this one of those things where there isn’t a reasonable/unreasonable as such. I have a 7 year, old and I personally wouldn’t want to move him from everything he’s ever known. For me (and maybe your husband) a slightly bigger house, wouldn’t be ‘enough’ of a reason. Other people will say they have moved their children at that age, and it’s been the making of them. I don’t think there’s a wrong.

Is it just not wanting to leave his parents? Or could have other concerns? Have you looked at some potential issues he may be concerned about, and looked for solutions?

What would it mean for his work? Would he need to look for a new job? Is that an option or would it require long commute? Same for your business? Could you keep it going, or would you need to start again? Could you manage financially if he needed to look for new work and / or you had to recruit new clients?
In for year your eldest will be secondary school age. Could he be concerned about them having to move schools within the first half term.
You say you both love the countryside, but living there is different. Could he have concerns around that?
Do his parents provide support beyond housing? Is he worried about losing that? I know your sister will be there, but presumably she’s working/busy herself. Is your husband worried about how you’ll both cope.
I'm wondering if you can acknowledge some potential problems, he might be more open to discussion.

TBF he’s no more pig headed than you. He can’t see your POV and you can’t see his. A disagreement isn’t any one person’s fault.

Maybe talk with him about making the application and just seeing what comes up in a few years time and whether it fits the bill then or not. In the meantime life continues as normal.

Being "on the verge of divorce" over this indicates that there are other problems in the marriage which perhaps need looking at.

My partner is constantly suggesting that we move somewhere cause we could buy a house with cash or minimal mortgage. Truth is that location matters. I'm not gonna leave my family, friends, job, hobbies, familiarity and city life to live in the ass end of nowhere just so we can buy with cash. You're not unreasonable to want to move and he's not unreasonable to want to stay. Location and lifestyle are huge factors for me. More than money. There is room for compromise but asking someone to leave where they have settled down for "no reason" is a lot to ask. I personally don't understand people who just pick up and move, cause that just isn't for me.

I think I just feel frustrated because he is very non proactive and happiest to go with whatever's easiest and his parents have always had a habit of fixing everything for him.

I’d just like us to do what we want to, we don’t like this area, we didn’t choose it and we both agree that we would like to live more in the countryside and be able to have a big garden with chickens etc. I feel like we can’t make that happen by renting his parents house forever, but my idea was a plan to move onwards and upwards.

I mean why do you think you'll ever get housing? A 4 year wait may as well be forever, there is going to be limitless people in the queue infront of you. It's arguing over something that will likely never happen.

This is exactly what I suggested! no pressure at all. But he says he is not open to it at all.

I can’t see what they do for you in terms of the house? They only give you a slight discount so it’s not a big deal?

I think in the first instance you need to put in boundaries so they’re not that involved.

If they come in to the house with their key, that needs to stop right away.

If they won’t stop then tell DH you want to move to another house.

When can dc go to nursery?

PIL should not be allowed to control your lives.

It seems a bit like his parents are ok to use for cheap rent and free childcare but you don't want the relationship that comes with that. Pay for nursery and full market rent if you want distance. 4 years time and your children will be past needing so much childcare and it feels like at that point you wash your hands and walk away. The optics aren't great.

What?

If you are thinking of applying for council or HA housing the size of the house you are offered will depend on your actual need not the fact that you want a larger property - so if you have two children of the same sex they would normally be expected to share a room even as older teenagers. This will depend on your local council, but I would have thought it’s usually the case. It’s perfectly normal for a family of four to be offered a two bedroom property if the children are the same sex, three bedrooms max if the children are opposite sex. Also, living rurally with teenagers is a nightmare unless you are willing to be taxi day and night- it might be idyllic while the children are small but once they start to become independent it is hard work living out in the sticks where public transport can be limited.

It’s not cheap rent though, it’s just below market rate.

And it doesn’t give them a right to control OP’s life.

You're arguing over an entirely pointless scenario. You have no offer of a house, and I fail to see how you'll get one when there is a huge shortage and 1000s of people currently housed in hotels.

If you had the offer of a house, get a divorce, but right now its utterly pointless.

You're arguing over an entirely pointless scenario. You have no offer of a house, and I fail to see how you'll get one when there is a huge shortage and 1000s of people currently housed in hotels.

If you had the offer of a house, get a divorce, but right now its utterly pointless.

It sounds like you have a lot to lose and not actually very much to gain. I'd stay put in your situation tbh. You both have jobs (including a business which you've built up), you have low cost rent, you have help from your inlaws, and presumably your children are settled and have friends and a great, close relationship with your inlaws.

And you want to gamble on this and go somewhere where your children will have to start from scratch making new friends and will need to change schools and activities, you'll have no childcare, your children won't see as much of the grandparents they're attached to, you'll need to build a new business from scratch, your DH will have to find a new job. It's an awful lot of upheaval and for what? A pipe dream that you might be allocated a social housing property that has a garden suitable for chickens?

I’m asking him to consider options that may arise in 4/5 years time. Do you know how social housing works? I do - most of my family come from or live in social housing. Yes there is a shortage mostly affecting cities hence the wait times, which is why I am suggesting a rural relocation which is possible and not a huge wait.

A 4 year waiting list is a long time away, I would put my name down anyway.
You may find in 4 years time that you are divorced from him ...

However down here you would be lucky to ever get a place in 4 years time as you would be a very low rating i.e. A-D and you would be an D as you are adequately housed.
A is emergency i.e. domestic abuse, B is homeless thus in temp housing i.e. a B&B and could well have been in a b&B for a year... C is an average rating, and very often over crowded i.e. 2 adults and 3 children in a 2 bed property, D eligible for social housing but not priority.
The majority of successful applicants down here now are B's.

But I’m thinking longterm here, if we stay put the best we can hope for is a rental house next to the dual carriageway which we can’t extend or afford to make major changes too. the kids room is only just big enough for their beds.

If we move, yes - short term unheaval - but in 10 years we could own a property in the countryside (you gain right to buy social housing after 5 years)

Put your name down then, its a problem when its a problem. Right now its not a problem. You arguing over something that is a might. You might get offered a house, you might get offered a house with a garden, etc.

You could all agree to move and end up being offered a mid floor flat with no garden.

If this is your dream, why don't you work towards it in a more logical way - such as through work. Your whole point of view is boggling.