On the verge of divorce over relocating AIBU?

[tabithatwitchetwhatabitch]

Been together 12 years, married 8. Two children 3 and 7.
We both work low income jobs, DH is Nhs and I own my own domestic cleaning business (which I started 2 years ago to be flexible for Ds2 who is autistic) we rent our house from my Dh’s parents at slightly reduced rate but they are traditional landlords in the respect that we have to ask them to make changes in the house and if something breaks they will fix it. We have lived here for 4 years.

DH’s parents are lovely but they are absolute control freaks and are always very involved in our lives whether we want them to be or not, and they do so much for us (childcare, the house!) it feels very ungrateful even typing this but… I feel very much in their pocket and I don’t like it.

I made a suggestion to DH that we put ourselves on the register for social housing, knowing that it won’t be a quick process but will give us possible options down the road (6+ years wait round here) which he responded “fine” recently I found out that where my sister lives the wait for a house is much quicker, its in the countryside (which we love) and we could also apply there because we have a local connection. We could possibly get somewhere in 4 years, and probably a bigger property. I approached DH with this… but its a flat no.

He refuses to consider it because he doesn’t want to move away from his parents who live 10mins down the road currently.

He can’t seem to see all the pros of my idea, for all of us! and he won’t move on it. I’m getting more and more frustrated with his pig headedness and seriously considering calling time on the marriage rather than be trapped.

AIBU?

I’m not an expert on social housing but are you even eligible for one if you already have a safe home? I honestly thought people were only considered if they were deemed homeless or had fled some sort of emergency nowadays but what do I know?

I don’t think either of you are wrong in this situation so it’s a tough one. I can see why you’re pulling towards the countryside and as someone who did move from a busy city to a quiet village with young children, I do understand your desire. I will say it sounds as though you’re fortunate to have your PIL purely for childcare purposes. I know you say in 4 years your DC will be in FT school which is true but you’d be surprised how many times you need emergency childcare when you’re both working parents…

My husband and I have temporarily moved toa countryside location while our son is small to be near a family member and avoid London nursery fees. Even though it's temporary, it's not what we love despite being very outdoorsy people, and my job being outdoorsy.

You have to drive, jobs are few and far between. Nothing for teens to do so the ones round here resort to some mild vandalism and antisocial behaviour. There's also less green space walks in the countryside often as you have to drive to them just as in a town, most of the land is farmers fields and though we have right to roam here, its not really fun to climb over barbed wire and tramp through a muddy field. You're better to deal head on with the feeling of being in their pocket as your dh sounds like he wants to stay near. Conversely in 4 or 5 years time they will have backed off anyway with kids being older as you say in a reply.

You painted a slightly different picture in your last thread about this exact same thing. Your kids were younger, your in-laws you only saw them twice a month but now they do weekly childcare, and most importantly you said your in-laws wanted to leave the area you are in. Why don't you just put your names on the list for both locations and wait and see what the next 4-5 years bring?

I mean, you could put your name on the list. But I think that very few people get housed in spacious rural properties that have gardens suitable for chickens! With what appears to be 2 boys close in age, you'd probably be offered a 2 bed flat. And very few people get a choice HA property just by waiting, and those without significant housing need tend to be leap-frogged over by those with a greater need joining the list.

I would say that a property owned by your in-laws is more likely to be somewhere you could end up owning that a housing association property. Your ILs might even be prepared to give you a gifted deposit if you could raise the mortgage to buy it.

The wait-list difference between the two areas is 2 years. Are you seriously considering ending your marriage because of 2 years or is there more going on?

Thanks for the replies, has given me some food for thought.
I think more than anything I am annoyed Dh won’t see past what he wants.
I just want a better life for us all. Maybe I am misguided and being impulsive.

As a two income family are you sure you would be eligible for social housing?

OP, do address the controlling in laws though. Do they have a key to the house?

If we move, yes - short term unheaval - but in 10 years we could own a property in the countryside (you gain right to buy social housing after 5 years)

Are you sure about that?

How far away is the new area from where you currently live?

but in 10 years we could own a property in the countryside (you gain right to buy social housing after 5 years)

Yes job prospects for me would be good, and him - there are other minimum wage nhs jobs im sure.

Wow. I hope he wises up soon.

You are making plans to buy a house you’ve not got under a scheme that will be dust before the next election. I’m a believer in long term planning but there are too many variables.
Save. And live your best life in his parents house. If you want home ownership then buy this one.

Put your name on the list and see what happens in a few years time, by then he may want to move or you may want to stay. Alternatively rent in your area a house that has nothing to do with his parents.

Do you not want to buy your own place? Social housing takes forever to get & you still won’t be able to do whatever you want with the house.

This. Right to buy won’t be around much longer. Get saving for your own place.

If I were you, I'd put my name on the list. Reassess the situation if you are ever faced with a choice. If he is dithering because he doesn't want to upset his parents, he can blame the move entirely on you. If he just doesn't want the same future as you, if an offer comes your way at least you'll have all your cards on the table to work out next steps.

You're talking about a fairy tale, hoping that you'll be given a big house in the country that you'll be able to buy in 'X' years. What if the Gov change the right to buy options?

Meanwhile, it sounds like you're living an idyllic life: decent landlord, supportive family, loving husband.

I think relocating to the countryside, chickens etc is a bit of a red herring tbh. As I see it, the real problem is that your DH has never cut the cord with his parents, who now think they're entitled to have a major say in everything in your life, and understandably you don't want that. If you've been on MN any time at all, you'll know that mummy's boy DHs are a common problem. I doubt the dynamics of that will really change wherever you live, so you need to decide if it's something you can put up with long-term.

OP- are you absolutely sure you have a strong enough connection for the new LA to house you? May I ask what the connection is? As I have heard quite a few cases where the connection has been dismissed.

I’ve checked thoroughly, my parents and sister all live in the area and have done for their whole lives.

Given your precarious financial position, and the fact that you cannot afford to purchase your own home, you would be crazy to give up the security of your in-laws rental.

You're being totally unreasonable and I agree with your husband.

Make an application on your own?

You don't sound very happy in your marriage.
If a house comes up, perhaps you can take it and move alone.

I live in a part of the country with a shorter wait for social housing than in many other areas but in no way is it a certain no of years on the waitlist then your name comes to the top of the list and then miraculously you get offered a lovely 3/4 bedroom house.
PP’s are correct, social housing is allocated on a priority need basis if you are adequately housed there will always be folks with emergencies or higher priorities needs coming along and they will always be ahead of you regardless of how long you have been on the list. Also agree with PP’s you would be allocated what the council deems you to be eligible for, rather than what you want. Not sure if having a family nearby, without you or your DH having to move there for work or needing to be there for access to specialised education for a DC actually counts as having a link to the area unless that is where you grew up?
No harm in putting your name down and in the event of being offered something deal with it then, but be prepared that you may be offered a flat / something unsuitable and if you choose to reject it that will have a consequence ( depending on the council one / two or three refusals sends you to the bottom of the list to languish there til the end of time)

Any reason not to apply in both areas ?

Also worth considering that capital gains tax is likely to shoot up after the next budget. If the house you are currently in has appreciated in value over a long period of time, and not been the primary residence of your DH's parents they may well have a large tax bill to pay if they ever want to sell it. It might be a good time for them to get some speedy advice

Sorry if I'm missing something but could someone explain to me how you can be eligble for social housing if you have two incomes and are currently privately renting? I thought social housing was for families and people in need?

How far away are you from your parents & sister?

How did you end up where you are & how long have you been there?

He wants to be near his parents & you want to be near yours!

Halfway?