“The lady will tell you off”

[notedbiscuits]

When I am in shops, I often see kids mucking around and a parent says something like “please stop that or you get told off by the lady “ (staff member)

Why do parents say this? It should be themselves who tell off their children not shop staff.

My child ignores me when I say no.

I'm pretty sure if "the lady" did tell the little darlings off, their parent would give "the lady" an earful of abuse. I hate lazy parenting, and making other people the bad guy because you can't control your children.

I’m often “the lady” who the parents say will tell their kids off. It does my head in. Tell your own kids off. Ironically it’s often said by parents who would go tits at you if you dared even looked at their kids funny.

I have had to tell children in the shops I’ve worked in to stop behaving dangerously (running up and down aisles, throwing stuff, crashing trolleys into each other) and the best I can hope for is passive aggressive comments from the parents if they’re about rather than out and out aggression.

I used to hate this so much when I was a waitress - nothing to do with me if you can’t control your kids!! I think it’s really lazy parenting and makes the other person out to be the bad guy.

YANBU. it’s one thing explaining that a person who runs a shop won’t like it if little Johnny breaks their stock or runs round knocking things off shelves but quite another to point at random people and say they will “tell little Johnny off” simply because you the parent have no authority or don’t want to be the bad guy.

DSS’s mum uses this tactic because she hates to say no to him. But is happy to paint other people as the scary nasty ones (inc me and his Dad of course). It’s lazy parenting all over.

I just say, “oh gosh, I think she’s calling the police”.

It also gives children the idea that they should regulate their behaviour because of what other people think rather than before they themselves know what the best course of action is. So on one hand, over reliance on other people and their opinions which may or may not be relevant, which doesn’t seem healthy and on the other hand an idea that you can behave how you want if a third party doesn’t see you doing it.

I was in a shop once (card factory) and a staff member called my son naughty because he knocked a pack of tissue paper off the shelf. Intentionally or unintentionally I'm not sure because I didn't see it. A staff member called my son naughty. Didn't go down well, be careful what you wish for.

Hahaha @notedbiscuits perhaps you overheard me in the supermarket? The cafe? Oh the gym? I do use this when I am utterly exasperated by my young twins ignoring me and by gosh it works 🤣🤣🤣
I do parent them well, and do teach respect and discipline. Pretty sure I’m not scarring them or me or the strangers for life 🤷‍♀️

I hated it when mums used to say that when I worked in shops..I'm as likely to tell someone's kids off as I am to win the lottery

Kids care far more about the unknown reactions of strangers. My toddler can be an absolute hellbeast for me, fight me all the way and back down the second I threaten to call her nursery key worker and tell her about it. It's not lack of discipline but a different disciplinary technique

I wonder how many of you who use the "stranger' warning would actually tolerate said stranger telling your child off if, in their opinion, and on their territory, they decided your child needed disciplining.

It's not as bad as telling them their dad will tell them off later or whatever. You shouldn't have to defer to the other parent.

It takes a village and bluffing with a village will help

Years back I was a Paeds A&E nurse & nothing ground my gears more than parents saying "behave or the nurse will give you an injection" - we needed to quickly build trust and a rapport with kids so that we could effectively assess & treat them with as little additional stress.

I made no bones about calling the parent out about it immediately in front of their child - and saw it as a red flag that the parent was unlikely to be engaging/able to help us help their child.

Exactly - as my example above, if the child then started screaming/petrified of what we (as nurses) were about to do, they'd be v quick to ask if we needed to do that/not be able to help calm their child/show empathy towards them.

Kids care far more about the unknown reactions of strangers. My toddler can be an absolute hellbeast for me, fight me all the way and back down the second I threaten to call her nursery key worker and tell her about it. It's not lack of discipline but a different disciplinary technique
what does the key worker think about it I wonder?
You may achieve what you want in the short term but your long term aim should be a child who is kind, respectful etc because its the right thing to do not because some stranger will be cross with them if they don't
this applies to all the 'the lady will tell you off' so called strategies
it's lazy thoughtless parenting

I always wanted dd to feel able to ask staff in shops/police for help so told her these were people to be trusted. I'm the one who sets the rules!

Because kids are more scared of a telling off from someone who isn’t their parent. So generally this works - I don’t think anyone expects “the lady” to actually do it.

This! ☝️

I did it once as just wanted some help and support. I didn't get any.

For goodness sake,

They are teaching children that their behaviour is not only judged by others when in public but that others will intervene if behaviour or conduct falls short of what is expected in public.

Its a life lesson

Additionally, children can tune out parents yet respond to others. So a further tool to use when in public.

The quid pro quo of parents using the threat of "the lady" in their discipline armory is that the lady should be able to actually tell off that child if she sees fit to do so - would the parents tolerate that? If not, they need to stop using the lady to compensate for their poor relationship with their child.

Don't be ridiculous.

It's just a warning to the kids. They aren't expecting you to do anything! Usually v effective as children are generally more worried about others telling them off than a parent doing it. I also like it because it sets children up to think that others in the community will tell them off if they are misbehaving when a parent is not around. Plus as a shop assistant if a child is doing something in your shop that's not ok, you should be able to tell them off!!! So a parent suggesting to a child that this might happen is a good thing!

I’m a woman, not a lady, so won’t play along when a parent uses that line