“The lady will tell you off”

[notedbiscuits]

When I am in shops, I often see kids mucking around and a parent says something like “please stop that or you get told off by the lady “ (staff member)

Why do parents say this? It should be themselves who tell off their children not shop staff.

They aren't asking you to actually do anything yourself. They are talking to their child, not you. Mind your own business!

I used to get this a lot at work. I never understood it. It's like say 'I have no authority so I'm going to involve someone else'. It's a way of undermining yourself in the long term.

I’m a parent, I don’t like this. Especially when I’ve heard parents say it about police - excellent, now you’ve made your kid scared of someone they might need help from one day.

I might say something like “that woman works very hard to keep this shop tidy, I think she would be very unhappy if you moved her things” but that’s about getting them to think about their impact on other people.

@doyoulikemyyams

Ahh yes, suddenly intellect comes into this - completely off topic now, not even on parenting, I suggest you should be aiming that comment at yourself.

Must have touched a nerve somewhere.

I get this at work and I don't really like it either to be honest. If your kids won't listen to you then you should probably try and work on that rather than shift it to a random member of staff. And yes, I do have kids myself. I have actually had customer ask me to tell their kids to stop misbehaving before so some people do seem to expect you to actually do It!

Lazy parenting!

I don't say this but if the parent isn't talking to you directly, isn't it a bit rude to intervene in a conversation between parent and child?

Personally, I say to my child "continue doing that and not only will there be a consequence when we get home, but there's a good chance we'll be asked to leave because it's not allowed here". Though I can see that some people might think that was a bit wordy.

I had your opinion even after I had my first child.
Enter my second born...

I used to work in a supermarket and I hated when customers did this, it was the same kind of parent who would say “you will be in trouble with your dad” it’s putting the onus on someone else to be the bad guy!!

My friend is a police officer and especially hates it as it creates a mistrust of police in young kids.

Because the thought of being told off by "the lady" or "the man" aka a stranger is scarier than being told off by your parents!

@notedbiscuits It sets out to the child that different spaces are owned and run by different people. It's not outsourcing parenting, it's saying that their actions have consequences, and that there are additional authority figures they need to obey as well as mum or dad. An example is in the library. I've definitely said in the past "we're not allowed to run in the library. It's for quiet, calm behaviour. And the librarian will be cross if we knock down the books". Which is true. I wouldn't be cross about the books (embarrassed perhaps), but the person who cares for the books would be cross. Teaching children the reason for something and that their actions have consequences beyond "making mummy cross" IS effective parenting.

@Posithor also, yes lol.

To add to @notedbiscuits and other PPs, the person in the customer service facing role doesn't know how many times throughout the day the parent has had to cajole, threaten, persuade, and reason with the child to act appropriately, before finally resorting to "another adult is in charge of the rules in this particular place" - which actually is a valuable lesson. You're seeing a snapshot of someone's parenting and judging unfairly.

It is so that children understand that there are different rules in different places, they can run around in the park but not in the shop etc etc
However I usually put a bit more thought into it and don't do "telling off" so more like "don't do that because other customers will be worried" or "the shop keeper will be annoyed if anything gets broken" usually does the trick. Although half the time the other person says "oh it's fine" And if it doesn't work I'll say do you want to leave the shop or walk slowly and then follow through appropriately.

But I'm lucky that my kids seem to naturally behave appropriately in shops so maybe I'm not the best to answer and honestly I'm sure my way would be considered wishy washy compared with the way you mention by some. But do what works really.

Because it encourages the child to think that other people work and use this space and they break the rules then they might be told off - which is true…

because other people telling your children not to do something makes them more likely to not do it! My DD was making an awful noise about not wanting to walk in a supermarket. A lady stopped and very sharply said to her ‘excuse could you stop that noise. You are hurting my ears’ then winked at me and walked off. I was very grateful

So you cannot discipline your children?
If children keep pushing your bounderies you just need to make your bounderies and consequences much stronger.

A mother of multiple children.

🎯

For god's sake...🙄

Their words have little to no authority, so they make it someone else's job.

I just pretend I can neither see nor hear them😏.

Completely agree with this. I work in a very lovely historic attraction, and the amount of times I hear 'that lady will tell you off' is unbelievable. If I did try to tell their little darlings off I'd probably end up sacked no matter how nicely I did it. I always tell their parents to tell them to stop doing something because they may get hurt etc. I can't just tell someone to leave, get them to pay for something etc as that isn't company policy. I got hit by something a child was throwing around the shop the other day (I don't think he realised the consequences of what he was throwing) but I had to smile and say I was fine. At least it didn't hit anything more delicate and expensive!!

@LondonFox

If you'd seen posts since my first one, you'll know it isn't a tactic I have used.

I've just seen it work and I wouldn't judge parents in public or on MN who have done that.

Children know parents love them no matter what and keep pushing .. sometimes and outside person with rules for that place works. Yabvvvu. This is a parent asking for help from the village. I've done it. Child licking the bus stop...mum had said 100x times it wasn't clean and her eyes caught me and she said that lady thinks it's unclean too. I smiled and said it's yucky and make your tummy hurt..2 year old stopped licking the bus stop and say down...mum mouthed me thanks...

In Ireland it was 'the man' (or it was when my DS was little!

My kids won't listen to me but if tell them the security guard invariable at the entrance to the shop is a police man they soon stop messing about

Does it really matter though? When I'm harassed and the kids have gone feral surely any benign tactic is better than letting them run riot??

I often say this in a jokey way to my kids out and about. My kids, particularly my youngest, are MUCH more concerned with what adults outside the family think of them and so are much more likely to behave nicely if I say that than if I say to them: 'Stop doing that.'