To worry about oldest friend - barely any contact from her for 9 months

[EmeraldDreams73]

This is likely to be long, I'm sorry.

My oldest friend, P, lives about 1.5 hours from me, we've been very close for 45 years. Pre-technology we had the odd year or two where we just caught up by letter, but have been in very regular contact (usually WhatsApp) for probably the last 20 years. Our kids are similar ages. It's been rare for us to go more than a few days without contact, or a couple of weeks absolute max, though it ebbs and flows as we're both busy. We've been a huge support to each other for many years.

I got married 9 months ago (no, I didn't bombard her with tons of wedding shit beforehand! We had the odd chat about plans, she was definitely excited for it). She did a beautiful reading which was fab and I mentioned her in my speech, she and her family had a great time from what I could tell. No falling out or cross words at all. We were in touch briefly over Christmas as usual, but didn't manage to meet up (but had seen each other at the wedding just before, so I wasn't concerned).

I know she's always under a lot of pressure with work (p/t but very demanding), and I do remember her saying in January that she'd probably be a bit quieter than usual for a few weeks, as there was a lot going on with elderly parents and in laws as well. Obviously I said no problem, I don't want to add to her worries/stress with my own expectations, and said I'm here any time, don't worry at all.

But here we are in Sept and I've heard almost nothing from her since January and I'm worried. I suddenly know nothing at all about what's happening in her life when for 45 years we've had a pretty good idea of what's going on for each other. She has sent kind messages/ cards for my birthday and to my dds, all of which seem perfectly normal, but has given zero updates on her own life and asked for zero support, whereas she normally relies on me for emotional support, as I do her.

It just feels like something major must be going on and I miss her and I suppose I'm upset at the thought that she would normally want to talk to me but for some reason doesn't atm. I've tried really hard not to be upset but the longer it goes on, can't help it. It feels like grief.

I have messaged her a few times, never asking for anything from her, just giving brief bits of news as normal at first, and reiterating now and then that I was thinking of her and hoped she was OK. I've left it weeks on end between messages and tried to keep anything I do send as very short and low key, just checking in and never asking for a reply etc. I have said that I'm worried about her and that I'm here if she needs me, she responded with a heart emoji but still no contact. I'm almost sure she's not upset with me, there's been nothing I can think of at all but it often keeps me awake at night wondering.

Of course I realises she has no obligation to keep me in the loop, but after 45 years of being so close, and after multiple school hols where I hoped she'd get in touch (she works in education, as does her DP), I'm getting increasingly worried. I am also feeling hurt if I'm honest, not that I'd tell her - I don't want to make whatever she's going through about me. I do know that she's been struggling with menopause and she's had mh difficulties in the past, as has her DP and several members of her extended family.

I had an issue with another friend a few months ago (v different character and not a mutual friend, she was spectacularly bitchy to me and I was extremely upset but we sorted it out). While that was going on I did send P a more emotional message late one night - I felt like I was losing all my oldest friends, though didn't say that. Just said I really hoped she was OK, and if I'd done anything to upset her to please let me know, told her how much she means to me etc. She didn't answer that, which I took to mean that it's nothing I've done, and have made sure since to just send occasional, low key messages.

We have one mutual friend who is very blunt (and pretty rude at times, v different to both me and P) and when P has gone quiet in the past we would normally ask each other if she was OK. When I did this around March, she didn't reply and has ignored a couple of other enquiries - very out of character but we are in touch as normal, so I've assumed she either isn't worried, or has heard from P and she just doesn't want to be in close touch with me for now/at all. Which is fuelling the worry!

Has anyone else had this happen? I miss P so much. It feels like I'm being kept firmly at arm's length - she sends cards and the odd message (eg good luck to dd2 when she started college last week), it feels bizarre to have that contact without the other side of our friendship, ie any knowledge at all of what's going on for her. I want to help, to listen, to know if she's OK.

AIBU to be worried? I wouldn't dream of contacting her parents or anything, but it's so upsetting. Should I stop even my attempts at keeping things low key in case they're construed as pressure? Or keep going in the hope that whatever is going on, she eventually feels she wants to reconnect?

Sorry this is so long.

I've dipped in and out of this thread but just to say I did end a friendship very brutally because her partner made a pass at me. I was very young at the time and didn't know what else to do. My friend was having a difficult pregnancy and I just couldn't tell her. I was a lot younger than her, she was around 26 or so, I was 19. I met her recently and they are still together 40 years on. I've never told her.

I'm not suggesting that happened here, but sometimes things happen in the background that we don't know about and can't share for whatever reason. Brothers/sisters/party guests/other friends behaving badly . . ..

Message her "The dates I gave you no longer work for me. I'll try to drop you a line in a few months when I'm less busy (but I can't promise anything)".

End your message with a simple 👋 (goodbye) emoji.

If you do nothing and just continue to wait for her to reply (to your dates message) you won't rest (and it could be weeks/months). Don't put yourself through that, don't leave her with all the leverage. If you nip it now, you take the control and the closure.

Blocking anyone isn't ideal, but I think (given how much this woman has fucked with your emotions) it's vital in this case. So take that last word, then block her ass.

What a ridiculous card to send. Well, the sentiment on the front was okay, but to write that inside was cruel and insensitive. You are well rid. I hope you have better friends supporting you instead.

@Enigma52 It shouldn’t be about her finding it “hard” and “upsetting” but about you and how she can support you. 🤝
@EmeraldDreams73 You couldn’t have done more. She doesn’t deserve you. Know that and realise we appreciate your worth.

Her friend stayed in regular contact with the mutual friend but not with OP. That's what makes it so confusing and makes it feel personal. It would make more sense if she had stopped seeing all friends. I think she has been very cruel to OP. A close friend of almost 50 years deserves an explanation.

I've been aware a lot lately of feeling a bit nervous of anything I say to other friends (not about this, just in general ordinary conversation) - in case it precipitates another dumping out of nowhere! I'm not showing or mentioning that to them, btw.

I was badly treated by a friend and went through the same. It really is horrible and knocks your confidence so badly. It does get better though, I promise. I recommend widening your friendship group if possible and spending time with other people.

I agree, as long as there has been a good long wait beforehand and various avenues of communication have been actively tried out and the other person given plenty of opportunity to come round. I'd wait for a couple of weeks at least though (the New Year period is a time when people are often preoccupied with hosting, sending off late cards and presents and all sorts of stuff).

I am very much NOT a fan of blocking or going NC with people generally. but if I'm fucked around with to this extent I'd consider it. It's a way of giving your brain permission to stop thinking about the situation. And if Ghosting Friend really does come round after her period of menopausal oddness or whatever the hell this is, she can always communicate via the mutual friend, there is nothing stopping her doing this.

This is literally the only scenario that might explain what is essentially a twelve month sulk.

Alternatively the mutual friend might have manufactured mistruths/deliberately caused trouble to distance P and OP. P’s perception might have changed to see OP’s positive qualities as unpleasant in intent - I’ve seen this quite a few times.
Who knows or cares? P is cruel. If the situation remains OP is better off without P.
The offer of a PP “to go round and sort her out” made me laugh as it’s not serious but it is confident and unequivocal about the whys and wherefores which have caused OP many months of anguish. A “sort you out” letter written to P but not sent would free OP’s mind and leave space for better friends. I did this and recommended it.

You sound lovely OP.

I've been reading through this in the hope of a happy outcome 🙏🏻 but not surprised at what's happened tbh. Sorry she's messed you around💐

One of my 'friends' couldn't even be bothered to fully read my last message. The last in an exchange that she instigated, suggesting a meet up! I wrote the still unread reply last February🙄

I've just read the whole thread and to the OP, I feel your pain; this has happened to me twice.
The first time (short version of a long miserable tale) a friend of 15 years just stopped initiating contact with me, leaving me to do all the running. I was hurt but eventually I decided to wait for her to suggest meeting up and she never did. For a long time I felt upset and rejected but eventually I just got angry. Looking back I think she didn't like me as much as I thought she did and what I thought was a close bond was nothing of the sort for her. I was disposable. It's a horrible, horrible experience.

The second time was quite recently and again someone I thought was a close friend also just stopped initiating contact. I tried messaging and phoning only to get a half hearted response about having things going on and she'd be in touch. Nothing. When I didn't get a text on my birthday I blocked her. I wasn't doing death by a thousand cuts again.

Luckily I have other friends but the experiences played havoc with my sense of worth and my sense of likeability. Rejection is hard to take in anything but when it comes from someone you've loved for years it is simply poison. In one way the 'reason' isn't important. They would rather lose you than try to work it out.

OP I'm sorry this happened to you but all you can do now is gather up your dignity and move on. My very best wishes to you xx

How are you feeling @EmeraldDreams73? I'm presuming she hasn't got back to you.
Hopefully you've taken good note of all the encouraging and complimentary posts, and are fully accepting that its not you its her 😊

Thanks for checking! I'm alright - nope, no reply to my offer of taking days off work on specific dates. I'm trying to scrape together some self esteem and am certainly not going to be messaging her. The first date I suggested was 15th Jan but if she doesn't come back soon then that will be off the table anyway. I'll make that clear if she does ask, but can't imagine she will. I haven't blocked her but have archived her messages and I'm not checking them much at all.

I've got an eye infection and two massive cold sores now, so definitely looking as crap as I feel! Been teaching this morning but we're all off to a friend's house for lunch shortly.

Bloody hell, just saw a new message as I typed that! All apologetic that she can't do the dates I've suggested but has offered 29th January (!) 'or a Saturday'.

My first reaction was oh, don't bother. I am in NO rush to respond! If I do, I'll probably say I'm not waiting till 29th and suggest a Saturday much sooner (which would have been far better for me anyway).

This is your chance to take control of the situation and don’t agree with the 29th or a nebulous Saturday and say thanks but no thanks and move on with your life. The fact that she took so long to respond to your message shows how far down her list of priorities you are. I get you want to see her to get some form of closure but I bet if you did meet up she would just be super evasive and you would be none the wiser anyway. Start 2025 as you mean to go on and put YOUR boundaries in place x

I’m going through something similar, a friend of 20 years has pulled away. She always talked about how friends pulling away without a reason is hurtful and if you had asked me, I would have said she is the last person in the world who I would imagine would behave this way.

When I start to notice that the past few contacts have been initiated by me, I stop messaging her. She then sends a message saying it’s been too long etc. So then I would resume contact, only for her to pull away again.

I only mention this to show you OP that you’re not alone and it’s bewildering how someone you have been good friends with for many years can just switch like that for no real reason.

It just shows we never really know anyone. She may have other things going on but the point is she is choosing you to behave badly to, not other friends.

There is something and cold and hard in her heart. Even if she tries to resume the friendship, I wouldn’t comply. It will never recover and you need to protect yourself from her.

Cross post.

This smacks of damage limitation on her part. She wants to be able to say to your mutual friends that she offered contact.

I’d just get this all over with OP, no point in you both taking 5 days to respond each time, it’s going nowhere.

Either ring her and say you need to speak today, or respond and tell her you can see this isn’t a priority to her and that you’re dropping it now because you’re tired and embarrassed by her behaviour.

I'd maybe call her bluff and say great, let's make it Saturday the Xth of Y, and please give me an alternative Saturday if that isn't suitable and I'll put that in my diary.
Nice, clear and businesslike.

Ah come on. I can guarantee you that whatever date you fix she'll cancel.

I would not respond.

She can't say she's given you options and you rejected them because she's dragged her feet at every turn. Let her stew, just like she's let you for the past year

This is your chance to assert your boundaries and indicate your worth @EmeraldDreams73. Show P how you respect yourself.
Though I blocked, my “P” got through in junk email and was very keen on resuming the friendship but wouldn’t apologise. The nonsense started again so I archived. Ignoring my big birthday decided me. My initial reaction had been correct but I was swayed by former happy times with her.
Don’t be me OP. Listen to your instinctive reaction. In MN fashion I should have believed her when she showed me who she is.

Sorry OP but she’s stringing you along now and wasting your time. I guarantee whatever date you agree she’ll find a last minute excuse to drop out.

In your shoes I would take control, find my self respect and tell her there’s no point to dragging this out any further and that it’s clear your friendship has come to the end of the road.

This isn’t a friendship that’s worth saving anymore

I couldn’t agree with @OolongTeaDrinker more.

@PeppyGreenFinch I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with similar atm too. It's the cognitive dissonance because you'd have sworn blind you knew them and they wouldn't do this.