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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To finally stand up to my EX

58 replies

Oneday24 · 08/09/2024 12:57

I left my marriage 4 years ago, it was miserable and I wanted a better life for my kids. I stayed for longer than I should because i knew how nasty he would be and how difficult he would make my life. And of course that’s exactly what he’s done.

He made me sell the family home as part of the divorce. I couldn’t bare his constant threats, him dictating that I couldn’t have any visitors in ‘his home’ (he had moved to a new home) he would turn up whenever he felt like it even though I was paying the mortgage and all of the bills. I had no privacy and felt under surveillance. He refused to provide his income for the consent order and made a random low figure up. I didn’t fight it because i just wanted to cut all ties. The order was accepted and we split the house proceeds 50/50, he’s since gone on to buy another house.

For all of this time he will only see the kids one night per week, he drops them off the next morning so has them for a total of 12 hours.

He’s openly admitted in the past that he isn’t bothered that this arrangement means i never get a break as this is the ‘path I chose’.

He often cancels at the last minute and offers no alternatives, if I dare object to this he just shuts me down.

He doesn’t provide any clothing and refuses to do so, he pays £150 a month for both kids which barely covers the school costs for one.

He has a good life, weekends away. He’s out every Saturday and goes to the gym daily. He will not come to a compromise or discuss a fairer agreement. I tried to message him this week to say it needs to change and as usual he has threatened me, blackmailed me and told me he doesn’t have ‘time for my nonsense’ and if I do go to CMS he will ‘cause war and only the kids will suffer so I need to think long and hard’.

Ive used the CMS calculator and he should be paying £550 a month based on his earnings which doesn’t include extra income I know he gets. I feel sick thinking about the consequences but I can’t live like this anymore. AIBU to stand up to him or am I just going to make life even harder?

OP posts:
stripybobblehat · 08/09/2024 12:59

How old are the kids?

Velvetbee · 08/09/2024 13:00

Grit your teeth. Go to CMS and come here for support. Knowledgable, awesome women will help you through this.

DillyDilly · 08/09/2024 13:03

Go to the CMS, what can he do really? Though you’ll need to accept that he’s only going to see your children the one night a week if/when it suits him. I would try accept this and not enter into any conversation when he cancels.

GabriellaMontez · 08/09/2024 13:06

Is he self-employed or employed?

It sounds like you have a lot of conversation with him. Especially as he sees the children so rarely. Can you cut this right back?

OhWell45 · 08/09/2024 13:06

Go through CM. What's he threatening to do with the kids? Have them more? Well that's a win isn't it. Frankly, having them less won't really impact you at all. The extra money can be put towards a childminder once a week with loads to spare.

You need to sort out a ring doorbell just incase he becomes nasty at pick up or drop off.

I'd also only communicate with him via text or email. I wouldn't take voice calls at all. You need a paper trail of his abusive behaviour. Have you considered a parenting app you can communicate through?

I think you need grey rock. I wouldn't give him any emotional at all. He thrives of your fear.

jeaux90 · 08/09/2024 13:07

CMS op, then use the grey rock method on him. He sounds vile so well done for finishing the relationship.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 08/09/2024 13:11

'Unreasonable' is not in question - of course it would be reasonable to challenge him and make him pay what is legally obliged to. The question is more 'can I bear to go through the process of confronting him'
, which is understandable considering how horrible he is. But he's being horrible anyway so perhaps it is worth it.

Original poster
Oneday24 · 08/09/2024 13:13

stripybobblehat · 08/09/2024 12:59

How old are the kids?

8 and 11

OP posts:
Spenditlikebeckham · 08/09/2024 13:14

Cms.
Find a reputable babysitter... There are some out there.... Take back the control he has thinking if he doesn't have the dc you are 'stuck'..

Fluffyhoglets · 08/09/2024 13:20

Go to the CMS if he's employed he will have to pay it - or owe it - and if he doesn't pay it pursue recovery as far as possible.

He only sees the kids for 12 hours now and enjoys controlling you that way. I'd suggest just not letting him know it bothers you.

If you get more CM you can afford babysitters!

He is used to you backing ddowntime you did over his false income declaration. Take back that control.

Original poster
Oneday24 · 08/09/2024 13:22

OhWell45 · 08/09/2024 13:06

Go through CM. What's he threatening to do with the kids? Have them more? Well that's a win isn't it. Frankly, having them less won't really impact you at all. The extra money can be put towards a childminder once a week with loads to spare.

You need to sort out a ring doorbell just incase he becomes nasty at pick up or drop off.

I'd also only communicate with him via text or email. I wouldn't take voice calls at all. You need a paper trail of his abusive behaviour. Have you considered a parenting app you can communicate through?

I think you need grey rock. I wouldn't give him any emotional at all. He thrives of your fear.

I’d be happy if he had them more and paid less or even nothing but he won’t. His offer is one night a week and £150 pm, the threats then follow if I dare suggest otherwise. I only ever communicate via text and have everything saved. He honestly isn’t bothered what anyone thinks or the consequences of his actions. In his words ‘I’m not afraid of the law, I’m above them’.

I do have a ring doorbell thankfully

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 08/09/2024 13:23

If he's self employed it's very hard for cms to get money off him.

If he's employed it's much easier. This is an important factor.

Original poster
Oneday24 · 08/09/2024 13:24

GabriellaMontez · 08/09/2024 13:06

Is he self-employed or employed?

It sounds like you have a lot of conversation with him. Especially as he sees the children so rarely. Can you cut this right back?

He’s employed, I completely ignore him unless it’s really necessary but he finds a reason to message me every single week. This week to reprimand me because he had text our eldest who apparently didn’t reply quick enough so this was my fault and I’m not teaching ‘respect at home’

OP posts:
jackstini · 08/09/2024 13:28

Definitely go CMS route. That money is for your kids and they deserve it

Well done for making sure you only ever communicate in writing and that you save all his threats

'Above the law' indeed - what an arsehole

GabriellaMontez · 08/09/2024 13:30

Sounds like you've got nothing to lose.

Start your CMS claim now!

misscockerspaniel · 08/09/2024 13:34

What a shitty excuse for a man. Sending you a huge virtual hug. Stay strong, and contact CMS.

PullTheBricksDown · 08/09/2024 13:35

Can't convey strongly enough the contempt I feel for men who deliberately avoid financially supporting their own kids. Above the law, is he? Guess there's one way to find out. (Wondering now if he is a copper as some of them have form for this attitude)

jeaux90 · 08/09/2024 13:38

Do you have a CAO in place OP? Yes go to CMS. I assume then there was no agreement in the FO when you divorced?

Notimeforaname · 08/09/2024 13:41

he finds a reason to message me every single week. This week to reprimand me because he had text our eldest who apparently didn’t reply quick enough so this was my fault and I’m not teaching ‘respect at home’

Dont answer those texts from him. Ignore them, dont give him a chance to 'reprimand you'. He'll either pick up the kids or not. It's a win really of he stops contact. What more would he do?

Go through CMS.

DadJoke · 08/09/2024 13:42

Have you asked him for the full amount to which you are entitled?

lovemetomybones · 08/09/2024 13:44

Unless he is self- employed he can't work out of cms payments. If he refuses they can forcibly take it out and charge him 20% more. The only thing I would say is that he might try to see the kids more to pay less. And by the sounds of it the kids might suffer as a result. But you still have the upper hand and you can suggest a figure that is more than he is currently paying and less than the amount of cms. Good luck don't let him bully you, the law is on your side.

lovemetomybones · 08/09/2024 13:45

Oh two harassing forms of communication in a six month period and you can apply for a non molestation order, I did this and it was money well spent

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 08/09/2024 13:47

Go through CMS, call 101 and record the texts threatening war so if he turns up and threatens you they will respond quickly.

If contact isn't court ordered are you actually damaging your children by making them have unreliable contact with this man?

Don't respond to his texts.

OhWell45 · 08/09/2024 14:07

Oneday24 · 08/09/2024 13:24

He’s employed, I completely ignore him unless it’s really necessary but he finds a reason to message me every single week. This week to reprimand me because he had text our eldest who apparently didn’t reply quick enough so this was my fault and I’m not teaching ‘respect at home’

Show quote history

Ignore him. He's view on your parenting is irrelevant.if he wants to educate his kids then he can do that in his parenting time. His effort is a joke as is his financial contribution. My parents pay more a month to insure their cats.

OhWell45 · 08/09/2024 14:09

Also I agree with PP absolutely report every abusive, threatening message.