To finally stand up to my EX

[Oneday24]

I left my marriage 4 years ago, it was miserable and I wanted a better life for my kids. I stayed for longer than I should because i knew how nasty he would be and how difficult he would make my life. And of course that’s exactly what he’s done.

He made me sell the family home as part of the divorce. I couldn’t bare his constant threats, him dictating that I couldn’t have any visitors in ‘his home’ (he had moved to a new home) he would turn up whenever he felt like it even though I was paying the mortgage and all of the bills. I had no privacy and felt under surveillance. He refused to provide his income for the consent order and made a random low figure up. I didn’t fight it because i just wanted to cut all ties. The order was accepted and we split the house proceeds 50/50, he’s since gone on to buy another house.

For all of this time he will only see the kids one night per week, he drops them off the next morning so has them for a total of 12 hours.

He’s openly admitted in the past that he isn’t bothered that this arrangement means i never get a break as this is the ‘path I chose’.

He often cancels at the last minute and offers no alternatives, if I dare object to this he just shuts me down.

He doesn’t provide any clothing and refuses to do so, he pays £150 a month for both kids which barely covers the school costs for one.

He has a good life, weekends away. He’s out every Saturday and goes to the gym daily. He will not come to a compromise or discuss a fairer agreement. I tried to message him this week to say it needs to change and as usual he has threatened me, blackmailed me and told me he doesn’t have ‘time for my nonsense’ and if I do go to CMS he will ‘cause war and only the kids will suffer so I need to think long and hard’.

Ive used the CMS calculator and he should be paying £550 a month based on his earnings which doesn’t include extra income I know he gets. I feel sick thinking about the consequences but I can’t live like this anymore. AIBU to stand up to him or am I just going to make life even harder?

Text him to ask him to clarify what 'war' means.

Do not engage in communications that are not written down. Take screenshots of all messages

He is being a massive prick anyway, what more can he do in all honesty?
Get your claim in and at least you'll have an extra couple of hundred quid coming into the household.
I'd also block his number and set up an email account that you check once a week. He will soon get bored of sending you abusive messages.
I had to do this with my ex, it was liberating.

What's the worst that could happen? He stops seeing them at all - which would be probably a relief and means you'd be able to put in place regular and occasional childcare that isn't dependent upon his whims? He refuses to pay - so CMS will instruct his employer to make deductions at source? He sends abusive messages - no change there? He makes malicious reports to council/social services/RSPCA/anybody else he can think of - they won't find anything?

It's the threat of something happening that he thinks is the power - assuming there isn't actually a risk of violence, for which the police would be involved - the reality would be that he loses that power because there's fuck all of consequence he can do.

Go to cms. If he threatens you go to the police

Don’t text him anymore. You have the threats. Screenshot those. Go directly to CMS.

He's just ridiculous. The kids are asleep the entire time he has them.

Take it to CMS he can't do sod all they will work it out on his earning and he WILL have to pay, what's he doing to do? Stop seeing them 12 hours a week 🤣🤣 fucking bell end! In the end it will be his loss not yours and your children will see him for who he is.

Doing this will make him realise your not scared off him either, take back the control he's done it enough to you!

He sounds like my ex and I'm having shit with him, he said to me I'm not giving you money anymore and take me to CMS thinking I wouldn't so I did. He will soon be getting a letter!

He’s ex military!

Go to CMS and ignore all communication. I know it’s hard. The kids will work out what he’s like and hopefully he’ll end up a sad lonely man with kids who aren’t interested him!

I’ve asked him to increase what he pays now as I was never expecting the amount on the CMS calculator however he just shuts me down. I told him this week how much it would be if I went through CMS which has led to the latest barrage of threats and what prompted me to feel like I’ve really had enough and need to take some control

Don't let him continue to bully you. Go official for child maintenance, get what you deserve financially from him. If he punishes you by having the kids even less, then he's no real father as it's the kids that'll lose out but that will be his choice, and no fault of your own so don't let him or anyone put any blame on you.
You're doing a great job, you're so strong to come this far, see the rest of it through. Stay strong, and just know that your kids will see him for what he is when he's older. These years go by so quickly, you will have more free time eventually but for now your kids need at least one responsible and reliable parent and that's exactly what you are. Well done x

Hearing this gives me motivation! I’ve constantly given in thinking if I do he will be ‘reasonable’ but of course that was never the case and if anything he’s got worse. Good luck to you!

Thank you so much, I really needed to hear this x

Sorry how old are the dc? I never text exh back once dc started secondary school..

Absolutely stand up to him. Also get a ring doorbell and an answer machine and record all calls. Do not take calls from him. Tell him communication will only be via email or text or solicitor and that way all his behaviour will be recorded and you can report him every single time he uses threatening behaviour. He only behaves like this because he is a bully and he k owns he gets away with it.

Exactly and even worse he brings his mother over who ends up entertaining them anyway. I’m glad they get to see her but it makes it even easier for him!

No, nothing in place. It was a verbal agreement between us and when i say agreement it was what he offered and i had no fight to say otherwise. I’ve failed on so many things by letting him force the house sale and lie about earnings but something this week has made me realise I can’t continue like this

CMS - don't hesitate. This is your children's money and he needs to pay up. If he is employed and PAYE he has nowhere to hide. It will take away all of the comms relating to it and that will honestly help so much and give you some headspace and power. I was where you were and should have done it earlier. Then grey rock completely unless it is a communication to vary child arrangements. With a fixed routine even this should be minimal. Eventually the children will take that over when they are old enough. Just do no engage and reduce any need to communicate to the bear minimum. Sorry you are going through this. It's horrid but does get easier.

He’s also a joke

Just go for the CMS. Don't threaten it just do it. So what if he stops having the kids. My ex did not see his kids ever because he was too busy entertaining his new girlfriend (25 he was pushing 50) and her daughter. We managed and then he has no control over you at all.

I hope you get sorted. He sounds awful.
But just wanted to say my aunt was in a similar situation with an awful man. He was only really interested in causing her more trauma when she left him.
He had little time for his children. But the as they got older they clicked to how awful he was.
They only saw him every so often. But as soon as they got to round 14 they all without being influenced by my aunt, Went no contact with him.
All adults now with kids themselves.

He is lonely and bitter and tells anyone who will listen that he did nothing wrong and doesn't understand why his kids hate him . He needs them aswell now he is in his 70s and not well . But he made the choice to be an awful dad.
But they all adore their mum who really had to scrimp and save and put up with so much abuse and raised them alone. They have just taken her on a lovely 2 week holiday .

Is he likely to push for 50/50 if you put in a claim?

Why are you trying to compromise with an abuser? Do cms tonight, its then done.

He'll never be someone you can be rational with, you know this so stop being a mug.

Worse case he has your kids more, that will swiftly stop when he has to do school runs and stop his gym.

Do it tonight.

Do CMS!!

I would get a CAO in place. It formalises contact and therefore the amount of CMS.

If he's an asshole (I mean he sounds like one) he could be difficult if you want to go on holiday etc so a CAO also enables you to do that without his further consent for a few weeks a year.

Basically take as much control back as you can.