Would you be happy with this relationship!

[Lucy041]

I’m honestly not sure how my life has got to this point but I’m married just over a year and honestly feel we would be better calling it quits.

We have two young children (toddlers), never go on dates, never have sex and I feel we rarely have proper time together. My husband plays golf, goes running, gym, 5 a side football and anything else he can find to fill his time. He’s not a big drinker, which I have no problem with, but this means he never wants to go out. The cinema every few months is the extent of it. He also isn’t interested in going on weekends away or holidays, we had countless arguments earlier in the year because I wanted to go on a family holiday over Easter. He’s a teacher so we can only go at certain times; he would prefer to just stay home and chill (play golf!), which I understand too but I don’t think it’s crazy for someone to want to go on holidays. Money isn’t an issue so this is not the reason.

When we’re getting on, things are ok but I feel like I’m resenting him so much lately. I feel like I’m giving up so much, no social life, nothing to look forward to. We had a night away planned for next weekend (my best friends partners birthday, it’s about 2 hours away so plan was to stay the night). Last night he realised there’s a golf competition he wants to play in so he’ll be gone all day Saturday and then play his usual Sunday morning golf the next day. Basically I’ll be alone all weekend with two toddlers. My mam helps me out a lot but her health isn’t great, it also annoys her so much that he takes so much time for himself so I tend to make light of it to her.

Sorry I feel like this is such a long post but is it dramatic of me to think I should end our relationship over this? I’m not even 40 yet, and in a relationship that just seems pointless. He’s a nice person, I really love him, he loves me but he’s just more interested in doing his own thing.

You’re too young to be unhappy in a relationship.

I think I might pop out to the shops on Friday evening for some milk and actually go away for the weekend to the birthday party booking an additional night too. He can have the kids and he will have to miss golf. Message him when you are well on your way and turn your phone off. Drastic measures are needed. Who made him king and the one who gets to make all decisions?!

Do you think he's happy with the way things are? How is he with the kids? Toddlers are hard work and some men just don't want to engage with them. Is he using his golf as a way of escaping doing 'family' time?

I struggle to think of what either of you are getting out of this marriage?

So sorry to hear this, OP 🌺 it sounds like a very frustrating and lonely situation to be in. Have you spoken to your husband about how it makes you feel? Would you consider having some counselling - and then perhaps do couples counselling with your husband? You might find it helpful as a way to decide what you’d like to do and it may improve things for you. Wishing you all the best.

He is a selfish fucker. Don’t waste your life waiting for him to finish playing golf

I was going to say this in my post, but then I thought actually - however old we are, life is too bloody short and precious to be in an unhappy relationship. I do understand that people are in - and stay in - unhappy relationships for lots of different and complex reasons. I still think life is too short for that though.

There are children involved so I would try to work on the relationship. Not OK for him to take time Saturday AND Sunday for his hobbies. If he gets one day off then you get one as well to pursue your hobbies/meet friends etc. He's selfish because you let him be. Talk to him and tell him what you expect of him.

Why does his golf competition Trump your friend's birthday? How does he love you when he chooses to spend so little time with you. Knowing how hard your life is with two toddlers, if he loved you why would he begrudge you one night out. Tell him you are going to the birthday and tell him your Mother is busy and he has to look after his own children or arrange his own childcare.

You want different things from your marriage and your life. Can you see a way of coming back together?

No I don’t think he’s happy but I feel like he’s putting his head in the sand. It’s always excuses, we have two young children, we’re busy etc.

We have spoken about counselling before but he doesn’t seem too keen, I feel like he’s embarrassed of how bad things are and wants to avoid it.

He’s good with the girls, and does his bit during the week but at weekends it can be hard. He likes it to be 50 50 in his mind, so at bedtime, he’ll sort one baby out but leave the other for me. This happened tonight, even though I’d looked after dinner and was upstairs putting clean sheets on the cots. I come down and he has one baby sorted for bed (PJs on, teeth brushed etc), brings her up to bed but leaves me to look after our other baby. Which I don’t mind, it’s not a chore for me, but I feel it would be nice for him to just get them both sorted. It’s not as if I’m only changing the sheets on one cot and leaving the other for him!

He encourages me to go to the gym and have some time on Sat morning, since he golfs on a Sunday.

Im painting a very bad picture here but I have to admit, it’s lonely, and I feel like I’ve given up a lot!

Sounds like he still feels entitled to his batchelor life. When you have a family, you make sacrifices. It sounds like you are making all of them and him none.

Did he want a wife and family? Doesn’t seem like it.

Seems like communication and compromise are significant issues if what sounds like long arranged plans with your friends can suddenly be sidelined by his activities. Would he see that as selfish?

He also has a funny understanding of what 50/50 is when you are doing dinner and jobs round the house but still having to do 50% childcare. Do you work as well? Do you think he understands how unhappy you are and what you feel you have sacrificed? What would happen if you tried to talk to him about this?

He admits that he’s selfish at times , but thinks that I should understand that his hobbies and interest are important to him.

He knows how unhappy I am, we argue every few days, usually about small things but they all stem from the issues I outlined in my first post.

I work in a corporate job, my hours are a lot longer, he’s teacher and finishes at about 3, my work day ends at about 5.30/6. I’m still responsible for the majority of things for our children.

Our finances are still fairly seperate, I earn a lot more than him so probably suits me this way. But being honest, it’s something that doesn’t sit well with me. He’s just lazy when it comes life admin, for example, I pay the childminder because he’d never remember, we have a wedding gift of a cheque from his parents for 3.5k and we haven’t lodged it after 18 months because he never filled out the forms for us to set up a joint account (the bank won’t lodge it into our individual accounts because it’s made out to the both of us).

What is he bringing to the table? You make more money, you do more childcare, more life admin, presumably more house work?

Of course you should understand that his hobbies and interests are important to him, however your happiness and your relationship should also be of importance to him. Why is he now doing the golf competition instead of your original plans? I just can't imagine how that conversation would go. My DH is an introvert and has hobbies but understands socialising is important to me. There's no way he would suddenly turn round to previously made plans and say "sorry don't want to do that thing you've been looking forward to anymore, this other thing I prefer has come up instead". And why do you allow it?

I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like he is "all in" or 100% invested in the relationship. A relationship won't work if only one person is putting in the work. Sounds like his priorities are elsewhere and not where they should be.

As others have said, you are too young to be stuck feeling like this, living this way.

Book a spa weekend or something for you and your mum/a friend and tell him he has the girls that weekend.
Do this every 4th weekend untill he gets the point that just looking after one of his children at only a time of his choosing is not being a partner or a decent parent.

1. with or without kids if my partner unilaterally canceled our joint plans because he had a better offer I would be spitting mad (mine would never do this nor I to him)

2. sounds like in his mind you are the default parent. Parenting for him is optional so he chooses the bits he wants to do and assumes you will do everything else.

I'm afraid you are enabling this as you do in fact do everything else.

Throw a massive strop about him abandoning you for the golf competition. He is being completely unreasonable.

I'd lay it on the table for him, I'd ask to talk to him once the child are in bed and I'd basically say
You have six months to put some effort into our relationship to start paying me some attention and spending time with me doing things I want to do.
Our sex life needs to also resume and you need to stop acting like you're single and putting the family first as well as having your own interests.
We need date night once a month and a holiday twice a year, otherwise I am going to ask you to leave, so the balls in your court wether you want to save our relationship and your family or not.

So you work longer hours and yet you are expected to be the default parent during the week-end ? And he encourages you to do something Saturday morning, isn't that nice. Try counselling for the two of you so an outsider can make him understand how unfair this is to you. If it doesn't work I honestly think you would be better off without him.

It sounds like he's living his life without you. I think you need to have a serious conversation with him

This. Your weekend was booked first.

My mam helps me out a lot but her health isn’t great, it also annoys her so much that he takes so much time for himself so I tend to make light of it to her.

Your mother is right to be annoyed. You should demand more of your husband instead of trying to shift the responsibility your husband should be taking onto her, especially when she’s unwell.

Sorry I feel like this is such a long post but is it dramatic of me to think I should end our relationship over this? I’m not even 40 yet, and in a relationship that just seems pointless. He’s a nice person, I really love him, he loves me but he’s just more interested in doing his own thing.

Genuine question - where are you getting this impression that he loves you? No sex, no quality time together, knows you’d enjoy weekend socialising and family holidays but prioritises his own activities /hobbies with friends or by himself over that and doesn’t go 50/50 despite the fact you both work full-time? I don’t know perhaps he loves you like an old friend he doesn’t mind spending a bit of time with now and again, but not like a man should love his wife.

I have to say though- bit off topic, but it’s rare for a teacher to finish at 3pm! Most teachers I know are working on marking, lesson prep and replying to emails until at least 5pm even if the school day ends earlier. I got an email from a teacher at 9pm the other day.

Totally agree with this.

Sorry OP but it doesn’t even sound as if he likes you much let alone loves you.

We have two young children (toddlers), never go on dates, never have sex and I feel we rarely have proper time together

Also I have some questions - how long have you been together and when did things get so bad?

Was the relationship always like this or did it just change after having kids ? Whose idea was it to have children? Was he like this before you married him?

I’m just trying to get a picture of how/why you ended up together.

He's a selfish arse. I read it like you were a SAHM. You're working FT and sorting all this.

Seriously leave him. He's so selfish and hasn't changed.