Would you be happy with this relationship!

[Lucy041]

I’m honestly not sure how my life has got to this point but I’m married just over a year and honestly feel we would be better calling it quits.

We have two young children (toddlers), never go on dates, never have sex and I feel we rarely have proper time together. My husband plays golf, goes running, gym, 5 a side football and anything else he can find to fill his time. He’s not a big drinker, which I have no problem with, but this means he never wants to go out. The cinema every few months is the extent of it. He also isn’t interested in going on weekends away or holidays, we had countless arguments earlier in the year because I wanted to go on a family holiday over Easter. He’s a teacher so we can only go at certain times; he would prefer to just stay home and chill (play golf!), which I understand too but I don’t think it’s crazy for someone to want to go on holidays. Money isn’t an issue so this is not the reason.

When we’re getting on, things are ok but I feel like I’m resenting him so much lately. I feel like I’m giving up so much, no social life, nothing to look forward to. We had a night away planned for next weekend (my best friends partners birthday, it’s about 2 hours away so plan was to stay the night). Last night he realised there’s a golf competition he wants to play in so he’ll be gone all day Saturday and then play his usual Sunday morning golf the next day. Basically I’ll be alone all weekend with two toddlers. My mam helps me out a lot but her health isn’t great, it also annoys her so much that he takes so much time for himself so I tend to make light of it to her.

Sorry I feel like this is such a long post but is it dramatic of me to think I should end our relationship over this? I’m not even 40 yet, and in a relationship that just seems pointless. He’s a nice person, I really love him, he loves me but he’s just more interested in doing his own thing.

He isn't operating as a team. He likes the idea of freedom and choice, for himself. 'Nice bit of double standards there, cheers mate'

He also likes to tinker round the edges of childcare but his attitude is very much it's @Lucy041 job to do all the heavy lifting.

He doesn't even want you to benefit from that £3.5K cheque by getting a joint account set up. That's mean!

in answer to your question, no I would not be at all happy or accepting of the circumstances. You are right to feel resentful and let down by his selfishness.

He has realised there's a golf competition he wants to attend...

Well, ah, bad luck, we're already going to my friends birthday weekend. Never mind you can do the next one.

Why didn't you hold firm on your plans?? Why does he get to cancel stuff that's already been arranged???

Tbh, I don't see any age worth being unhappy.

I think I’d be showing the selfish fucker the door.
See how much golf he can play when he has his daughters to look after 50% of the time.

He has everything set up just so, and gets annoyed with you when you make totally reasonable requests, because it upsets the apple cart he has created that has all his wants, needs and desires perfectly balanced in his favour.

I can tell you now, he won’t change.

I think you need to put your foot down over the weekend - your plans were booked first.

You do need to redress the balance here. Otherwise it's going to be too late. He sounds very selfish.

Have his parents realised the £3.5k cheque hasn't been banked and do they know why?
Can you start to take steps to open a joint account so that gift can be used?

I understand that things aren't great, but do you really think that being on your own would improve your life? A better option might be to carve out more time for yourself? Or insist on some family time.

I can see why you feel the way you do OP.
I had one like this. Completely unfair on you and creates resentment.
Life is much easier and happier without the useless man in the house. He needs to step up to his family responsibilities, he’d have to if you split - I’d be really clear to him about this.

Well yes, the relationship does sound shit.

Either you split up, or you find a way to live your life within the marriage, going on holidays and nights out with friends rather than DH as he doesn’t want to go. This course will probably lead to you splitting up anyway.

You sound very passive. As PP have explained, most of us would have blown our top at the last minute cancellation of going to friends birthday weekend, but I think most of us would have still gone without him. You stayed at home? Why?

If he says he doesn’t want to go on holiday, why aren’t you saying oh I will go on my own, with Sarah, with my sister, whatever?

I think you WILL be happier alone. You'll likely go on to find someone that wants to create a life with you, if that's what you want. Husband will likely insist on genuine 50/50, so you'll have a lot less on your plate. Staying together no matter what is not what is best for DC, modelling healthy relationships is what the DC need to see.

Also, I’d be asking my parents for a new cheque, made out to me alone. It’ll be a useful nest egg.

we have a wedding gift of a cheque from his parents for 3.5k and we haven’t lodged it after 18 months

It’s his parents who gave them the cheque.

Ah, my mistake. That’s a pity.

This is is perfect advice.

The party is this Saturday so I’m thinking I might just go alone or just go somewhere else alone, and leave him to arrange things for the girls. I don’t think I’d enjoy this, and it would just to prove a point, I’d feel so guilty for not spending the time with the girls. Almost like I was using them to prove a point, it doesn’t seem fair: .

I try my best to do things alone or with family and friends, that’s kind of how we’ve got to this point. I feel like we’re living seperate lives, he continues to make excuses but I honestly don’t think he realises how difficult it is. And I know this is because things are all set up to suit him, he has his family with minimum effort from his side.

Im just so fearful of making a decision I will regret, I don’t want to break up our family, and end up having to split our time with the girls. They are so young, I’d hate not to be with them all weekend. I wouldn’t care if he played his golf and did his other hobbies if he showed a bit of effort with me and our relationship. I know he takes me for granted, but I feel something drastic needs to happen. There’s a little voice in my head saying that forever is a long time.

Funnily enough, his parents know what he is like, if I asked them to make a new cheque out to me so I can just lodge it, they wouldn’t have an issue with this. It just drives me nuts that I’d have to be the one to sort it out, he would honestly just leave it there.

It’s not that we have a huge amount of money or anything, just small house with small mortgage and some savings.

Marriage should be a partnership, not a life sentence.

Time for a very harsh chat with him OP.

Is quite obvious what he is getting out if it, I struggle to see why you can't?

Stop enabling him. Tell him the birthday weekend was booked first so tough. No way would I allow his hobbies to take up both weekends.

DH is football mad and has a season ticket, if a home game clashes with a family event, it is tough as family comes first.

I couldn't live like you are. Put your foot down woman!

I know he takes me for granted, but I feel something drastic needs to happen.

Yes, you’ll need to stand up for yourself and your children (he’s also neglecting them by not bothering with family time) and let him know there will be consequences if this continues. It is obviously a tricky situation but I think you are enabling him right now.

No one will speak for you so you need to use your own voice.

Our sex life needs to also resume and you need to stop acting like you're single and putting the family first as well as having your own interests.

This is good - I agree a clear time specific ultimatum needs to be given, summarising all the issues like this.

That said I do think if OP does need to ask for sex in this way from her equally young-ish husband things are clearly pretty grim and shows the relationship is probably dead. I feel he’s checked out unfortunately.

Men often stay in dead relationships because they tend to move form woman to woman as opposed to just leaving a woman to get be on their own.

So they end up using their current wives as temporary stop gaps until they can be bothered to find someone else.

Horrible to say but I’ve seen this happen so often.

Has this only started since you got married?
Or since children?

Someone above said you may not be better off if you go it alone. I don't agree.
You are unable to be the best parent you can be when you're unhappy.
He knows he is being selfish, as said by you, and continues to. That isn't the type of love you should accept.
You say you'll feel guilty

I know people can give advice on here that they wouldn't follow themselves but I'm not - Nothing changes if nothing changes. You can only be accountable for your own actions and you are allowing him to get away with this.

Do the therapy by yourself to help develop some assertiveness and work out if this is for you. Consider what good would look like for you and think whether you really see that happening. Id encourage you to also think practically over what life without him looks like.

If he doesn't want to engage with counselling then I would push for a trial separation. This might knock some sense into him and he'll get to see how much you do for him when he has to do it himself.

Is it only since you’ve been married that he’s been like this? If not, why did you get married?

I had all this. I was only 24. No kids but a selfish bloke who thought it was ok to leave me on my own all weekend. I soon found someone else to spend time with…