Would you be happy with this relationship!

[Lucy041]

I’m honestly not sure how my life has got to this point but I’m married just over a year and honestly feel we would be better calling it quits.

We have two young children (toddlers), never go on dates, never have sex and I feel we rarely have proper time together. My husband plays golf, goes running, gym, 5 a side football and anything else he can find to fill his time. He’s not a big drinker, which I have no problem with, but this means he never wants to go out. The cinema every few months is the extent of it. He also isn’t interested in going on weekends away or holidays, we had countless arguments earlier in the year because I wanted to go on a family holiday over Easter. He’s a teacher so we can only go at certain times; he would prefer to just stay home and chill (play golf!), which I understand too but I don’t think it’s crazy for someone to want to go on holidays. Money isn’t an issue so this is not the reason.

When we’re getting on, things are ok but I feel like I’m resenting him so much lately. I feel like I’m giving up so much, no social life, nothing to look forward to. We had a night away planned for next weekend (my best friends partners birthday, it’s about 2 hours away so plan was to stay the night). Last night he realised there’s a golf competition he wants to play in so he’ll be gone all day Saturday and then play his usual Sunday morning golf the next day. Basically I’ll be alone all weekend with two toddlers. My mam helps me out a lot but her health isn’t great, it also annoys her so much that he takes so much time for himself so I tend to make light of it to her.

Sorry I feel like this is such a long post but is it dramatic of me to think I should end our relationship over this? I’m not even 40 yet, and in a relationship that just seems pointless. He’s a nice person, I really love him, he loves me but he’s just more interested in doing his own thing.

He wasn’t always as bad, it just all seems a lot worse now. We were together for 5 years, got engaged, had our girls a year later and married a year after that. I never put pressure on him about getting married, I made it clear I wanted children and so did he, so that’s why we decided to try before getting married.

Covid probably suited him/us to be honest because life was slower, no holidays, no nights out etc. So I think that helped hide the tracks, it wasn’t obvious that we never went out or away etc. Then we got engaged and started to try for a baby. Sex was never a big focus for us, but never to extent it of it going months, the lack of interest in sex is 50/50 to be honest, I don’t have much interest in sex with someone I don’t spend much quality time with or get much effort from. Our life is work, doing things with the girls at the weekend (usual walks, coffee shops. Playground la etc),and then watching a tv show together before bed.

The relationship was never perfect but he’s a good person aside for this, I just feel all of the small things are adding up now, and I feel like I’m giving up a lot and not getting much back in return.

Everyone’s advice has been so helpful, I know things aren’t right, I just have this fear of making a big mistake. I reckon counselling even for myself is the next step, and hopefully he’ll show an interest in doing this, if not, well then I suppose I have my answer from him!

I wonder if it would help to ask him if he'd like to split? What this would look like.

Then discuss alternatives. Making more effort? Counselling? Date night? Booking a holiday.

If he doesn't want to compromise or make an effort it's a lost cause.

Good luck. I'm so, so glad I left my ex. But it was hard and sometimes still is.

Why on earth would you suggest that being single is a worse option? Plenty of single people are very happy, it’s not something to dread, we actually can survive just fine without a waste of space man in our house.

OP, your husband is taking the absolute piss, I think you need a very serious chat with him. Currently you don’t sound like you even have a relationship, you just coexist.

I mean he's probably getting his clothes washed and dinners made while he gets to live his best life. What OPs gets out of this marriage? No idea!

I think you need to tell DH that he needs to make time for a sit down conversation with you and tell him this is non-negotiable then tell him that you are honestly contemplating divorce because things between you are now so bad. Read some articles on 'walk away wife syndrome' as they may help you navigate this situation. I would tell him that you, as his wife, feel lowest in his list of priorities under golf and everything else and that you deserve to be happy, loved and appreciated by your partner and you feel that he has 'checked out' when it comes to your needs and feelings. Couples counselling may be an option. Good luck.

No, just no to all of this. You can’t have this amount of hobbies whilst you’re in the trenches of parenthood. Something has to give and at the moment it’s you and your relationship. His balance is completely off, no decent partner or parent is having that much time to themselves.

You are pretty much a single parent

I tell your husband that your invited to your friends party and that your going to it as a couple.
Tell him that for once he is going to put you first before his golf and other activities.

He needs to be told that the current situation is not fair on you or his kid's.
Tell him as well that he is a married man with toddlers and he needs to realise that it not your job to do all the childcare, bed time's and be on your own with his kids every weekend.

It's the reality when your married with small kids that you don't have as much time for activities outside the home. You both need to agree on child free and family time. Your entitled to a child free evening, Saturday and weekend as well.

I tell him as well that he needs to go counselling with you because you both need help with your marriage. The baby and toddler years can be hard on a relationship. I know several couples and they said at this stage they were not going to weddings ect or spending much time outside the home. It got easier when the kids got older.
One woman I know told her husband that the marathon training and long cycles at the weekends had to stop because she was not going to continue minding the kids and doing it all at home so he could do this.

If he fobs you off I book a weekend away with your friends and tell him you are away on x weekend so he can mind his kid's. Leave no food in the house and see how he likes shopping with 2 toddlers as well.

The reality is that if you and him got a divorce he would not have the current amount of free time he has. He is not been fair on you or his kid's. Also you don't want your kids to see this as they grow up and have father who won't attend school events or spend time at the weekend with them or bring them to child activities.

I ring his mother and tell her to write out a new cheque for that £3,500 as well in your name as he won't open a joint account to lodge this.

I tell your husband that your invited to your friends party and that your going to it as a couple.
Tell him that for once he is going to put you first before his golf and other activities.

He needs to be told that the current situation is not fair on you or his kid's.
Tell him as well that he is a married man with toddlers and he needs to realise that it not your job to do all the childcare, bed time's and be on your own with his kids every weekend.

It's the reality when your married with small kids that you don't have as much time for activities outside the home. You both need to agree on child free and family time. Your entitled to a child free evening, Saturday and weekend as well.

I tell him as well that he needs to go counselling with you because you both need help with your marriage. The baby and toddler years can be hard on a relationship. I know several couples and they said at this stage they were not going to weddings ect or spending much time outside the home. It got easier when the kids got older.
One woman I know told her husband that the marathon training and long cycles at the weekends had to stop because she was not going to continue minding the kids and doing it all at home so he could do this.

If he fobs you off I book a weekend away with your friends and tell him you are away on x weekend so he can mind his kid's. Leave no food in the house and see how he likes shopping with 2 toddlers as well.

The reality is that if you and him got a divorce he would not have the current amount of free time he has. He is not been fair on you or his kid's. Also you don't want your kids to see this as they grow up and have father who won't attend school events or spend time at the weekend with them or bring them to child activities.

I ring his mother and tell her to write out a new cheque for that £3,500 as well in your name as he won't open a joint account to lodge this.

It is now too late to bank the cheque in joint names anyway. They need to be banked within 6 months of the date on it.

Get one in your name, bank it and use the money to book a divorce lawyer.

Seriously too young to live your life like this.

You've described your relationship as "ok" and he acts like he's single. Either get on the same page or call it a day. Life is too short for this sort of limbo