Feeling daunted by my child starting reception - how much should I help after school ?

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My DD started reception this week and I just feel filled with worries about how she's going to get on and how much I need to help her succeed.

I just don't think I'm very good/ patient at helping her and I know that she will need my help if she's going to succeed at school.

Any recommendations of how I can learn to help her the right way ? I'm just filled with worries this evening about it all.

The other parents sound a bit OTT to me which is not going to help if you tend towards anxiety on this sort of thing anyway. Sounds like you need to talk to them about the weather or what you did at the weekend instead! (Unless they are the kind of parents who will tell you that they were busy at the weekend with 4 year old Timmy's Mensa group and 6 year old Tilly's conservatoire performance. In that case stick to the weather!!).
Is it a private or very sought after school by any chance?
I haven't met many parents like this although the other parents in one of my children's classes did seem weirdly obsessed with whether their child had changed their reading book - there was uproar on the WhatsApp group if the books hadn't been changed. In that case I think it often came from a place of parents lacking confidence with supporting their child's reading by just reading whatever they enjoy at home and so focusing excessively on the school reading books. There still wasn't really any boasting or discussion about what level the different kids were on though.

OP, reception is one of the happiest nicest years of school. Don’t ruin it for yourself by getting stressed.

As others have said, reading to/with your daughter is the most important thing. If she wants to practice phonics and spelling etc, then fine, but don’t push it. Talk to her a lot, use a range of vocabulary, point things out, use new words and phrases that you then explain.

And whatever you do, DO NOT compare her to her peers. If the teachers have concerns, they will tell you. It’s pointless seeing what others can do and worrying your daughter is behind, as the rate of development at that age is hugely variable.

DS1 started school age 4 in the January (late august birthday so I delayed his start by a term). At that point he couldn’t recognise any letters or numbers. Hated phonics, hated spellings. I didn’t push it, couldn’t face the battle. He didn’t really progress for about a year. By the middle of year 1 it just clicked, and he read all the books in the school library, overtook his peers, whizzed through the levels, and had a “reading age” of 17 in year 6.

Reading to her and listening to her read as she gets older is sufficient . Too much pressure and work at home can be daunting to a child .

It’s the schools job to teach them. Sounds like it’s a stressful school to be at.

Eyfs teacher here. I'd say just focus on play and if you can then any activities that incorporate fine motor, sensory play (fantastic for brain development still) and encourage talking . My favourites are playdoh, cooking, junk modelling and lots of outdoor play. Read fun books every day (they will get tons of phonics at school!).

I think with a school like this the best thing you can do is be strong on your common sense boundaries and not let the school or other parents push you into overworking your 4 year old. Home should be her sanctuary where she can relax, play and recharge with some good food and company. She needs to gain a love of learning for life, not know 15 different phonics sounds by the end of term.

What to do with your daughter after school first week of Reception? Take her to the park, go for a walk, practice asking questions that will get answers about what happened today (asking “How was school?” Will get you a “Fine”. Work out how to communicate with your daughter about school), buy an over-priced magazine and give her lots of praise for doing so well, make sure she gets plenty of rest and goes to bed on time as she’ll be exhausted.

Starting school is a huge thing for such young children. Some of them absolutely love it and have no problems. Some of them find it completely over-whelming and will be troubled by things you haven’t even thought of. Someone not playing with you at playtime can be devastating. That’s the stuff and being able to deal with it has a lasting impact on children. Phonics and writing comes when they’re ready for it. Yes read all the time and practice your phonics, but school is so much more. You seem worried about her “succeeding” at school. How are you measuring that? Being able to spell before everyone else? Reading books above her age? How about having good relationships with her class mates? Making good choices in difficult situations? Having the emotional tools to deal with difficult situations?

In hindsight I would....

1. Learn the phonetic sounds and acquaint myself with the reading programme, usually Oxford reading tree or RWI or similar.

1. Read to her and with her every night. Download teach your monster to read on her tablet if she has one.

1. Make sure basic pre-maths concepts like 1 to 1 correlation are firm. She doesn't need to know she's doing it, things like "can you pick three hair clips, let's count together.... 1 2 3!" Will do

1. Make sure she has a life outside of school that gives her esteem- rainbows, swimming lessons, gymnastics, nature walks and learning about animals, trips to your local science centre... Whatever it is. Just something she enjoys and feels good about and gives her a "I am X and I like Y".

1. Meet at the local park after school with other kids in her year so they can blow off steam together.

1. Think about her emotional education as much as her academic education - books talking about feelings will help her to access and navigate the next couple of years. Stuff like "the girl who never made mistakes" or "Tilda tries again". Model making mistakes and dealing with it in a self compassionate way.

Don't forget that "reading already" can cover quite a range of abilities, too!
I suspect that a couple of those children will be doing very age-appropriate sounding out and blending of single words around them (which other parents might still only see as "working towards reading"), and even a naturally gifted early reader with support will be a few years ahead rather than settling down with the Lord of the Rings (and if everyone was able to be at that point, it wouldn't be 'ahead').

Don't stress. Use daily life to help her. When DD was in reception she would ask what the road sign said. We would sound out the letters/sounds etc. Took her to the zoo we would talk about the animal, look at the sign, count how many we could see etc. Learning happens outside school without needing to sit them down and force them to do anything. It so happens that DD started writing us notes, love letters towards the end of the last term etc. She is naturally quite academic and I know she is on a higher book band than most of her class but we don't do anything 'extra' outside of school. DD is also read to every night, she loves chapter books so that's what we read. Often visit the library on weekends and holidays also.

It doesn't make a difference if your child learned to read at 3, 4, 5 or 6.
It's not a race.
Ignore the competitive parents. Most of them are probably exaggerating anyway.

What I found when I taught reception, it is a generalisation, is that the children who were ahead in phonics/writing were behind in other ways e.g. sharing/peer to peer interactions/imaginative role playing/risk taking. Reception is a holistic year, so yes we do have to teach them phonics but there are other lessons too. These can be less obvious if you're chatting on the playground with competitive parents whose child has been taught to write b4 school. I just wanted to mention it to reassure you that there are other measures of success than phonics, fully recognised by school and encouraged, and our job is to support kids wherever they are at.
If you want to practise phonics in a fun way on a device, try phonicsplay website for games once your child has settled in.

Reading wise, I'd wait a half-term so she's learnt some sounds then I'd invest in a pack of flashcards of the first 100 high frequency words. These are the most common words in English and don't all follow the phonetic code, so kids just have to learn them. If you could choose the first 10 and flashcard them together, then leave stuck onto a kitchen counter with washi tape, your child will quickly memorise the words, which will speed up their reading speed.
Egs of the words "the" "a" "and" "said". Then move onto next 10 after Christmas.
The book "the five minute mum" has great and v easy ideas of how to set up play that is grleared towards learning to read/write, of you want a bit of help with other ideas.

Encourage her to read lots and do any required spellings etc. lots of talking and listening to her about her day. But also make sure to make time for her personal interests such as art and creativity. It’s too easy for those to get lost these days :(