Feeling daunted by my child starting reception - how much should I help after school ?

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My DD started reception this week and I just feel filled with worries about how she's going to get on and how much I need to help her succeed.

I just don't think I'm very good/ patient at helping her and I know that she will need my help if she's going to succeed at school.

Any recommendations of how I can learn to help her the right way ? I'm just filled with worries this evening about it all.

Aww it does sound like you're putting so much pressure on yourself and I can definitely identify with some of your experience.
I would really try to reframe your role as delivering her to school as ready to learn as you can rather than teaching her anything yourself. And celebrating whatever achievements she makes, regardless of what any other child is doing. As others have said, any measuring at this age isn't a useful predictor.
My priority at this age would be that she is mostly happy to go to school (everyone has the odd bad day) and is progressing over time from her personal starting point.

Read to her. And talk to her. Absolutely no need to do anything else.

So, you can see the impact of always having to be perfect on yourself and how it has continued to impact you into adulthood, yes? Don't let that happen to your daughter too. She may be academic, she may not. It doesn't matter. Just try to relax and let her be herself, whatever that may mean.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but isn't it supposed to be the school's job to teach them?

My expectations would be just that. Parents can read with their dc or help them a bit with spellings or whatever, but the school is supposed to be doing the actual teaching, not the parents.

Reading as everyone has said and just talking about things. Counting games like snakes and ladders. House numbers on even side of road to count in twos. Motor skills e.g. Lego and colouring, riding a bike, catching a ball. School is tiring so enough rest. Spend as much time as possible outside after school before clocks change and at weekends.

mine are secondary now, she will be exhausted. let her sleep and decompress.
I used to build weekend activities around school topics. So autumn, and hibernating animals we would go to a wildlife trust event about it, or to a park to collect leaves to look at. That sort of thing
science museums, art galleries you get the picture. Try to make it make sense and relate to the outer world.

ask pointed questions about her day, it’s too much asking about the entire day.
talk to her teacher and involve yourself in the school if you have the time.

This and ask stuff like what’s the best thing that happened at school today?

I think you're being a bit dramatic sorry. All you need to do is regular reading which is something you should be doing anyway. The school don't expect you to be teaching phonics at home, and since a lot of us weren't taught with phonics when we were young us attempting to teach our own way just makes things confusing

The school literally asked us to help with phonics at home...

You’re putting too much pressure on your DD - so what if she doesn’t know her sounds and letters - she will do at some stage. Homework is optional in primary - we didn’t do any other than read to them, which we’d always done.
Let her settle into school and enjoy herself - learning should be fun and not a competition.

Stop stressing yourself. I have done barely anything with my kids. I read to them. I get them to read to me. I make sure they practice their spellings and times tables and I make sure they do their homework and help if needed. Neither are behind. Both are exceeding in certain subjects.
You don’t have to do anything extra. You don’t have to stress yourself out trying to be that insta mum.
Just do the work the school sets. Don’t stress about tests and what they are ‘supposed’ to know. That’s the schools problem. If you stress about tests you’ll make your kid anxious about it as well and make her feel like exams are the be all and end all which they are NOT.
My dd has SATS this year. I’ve told her right the way through that this is an assessment of the school. Not of her and they don’t matter. If she was worried I’d pull her out of school that week and she wouldn’t do them. We do not base our worth on exams

Don't stress just do what the school ask - for us it was phonics practice and read a book a week. We usually do a bedtime story so would do much more than 1 a week!

Help, yes. Teach, no.

She just needs you to read with her, and play games with letters and numbers. Letters have names, and they also have sounds. That is all. Any more than that and you risk putting her off reading altogether. Books need to be fun and enjoyable, not hard work.

Listening to her read is helping with phonics. You aren't being tested or judged here. Loads of people have told you to chill out and just do that but you seem determined to keep putting unnecessary pressure on yourself and your daughter.

If the school send home worksheets for phonics you can choose to do them or not but you absolutely don't need to be seeking out extra work.

Your child is not the only one at the school why do you think you would cope differently to all the other parents?

Kids cope because they cope

I guess I assume they're all doing lots of stuff. Seeing as lots of them apparently read already and know all their phonic sounds. When they'd just introduced phonics in the year before reception, one mum said her daughter already knows all the phonics sounds because she taught her at home.

I've been taking it easy and naturally doing a lot of the things suggested on this thread already. We have practiced some phonics because she genuinely finds it fun and gets her cards out.

I've been taking it easy and naturally doing a lot of the things suggested on this thread already. We have practiced some phonics because she genuinely finds it fun and gets her cards out.

Problem solved then. Just carry on as you are. You're fine, she's fine, there is no issue to address.

At our school, the kids in preschool were introduced to phonics in the second term ( spring term ). Some mums thought it was ' so late ' and they should have started at the beginning of the year because their children were ' so ready ' and other schools started so much sooner... the kids were 3-4 years old last year.

I get it, I'm stressing but I feel like the other parents are really pushy.

Also I speak to some mums who are fretting b about it too and worried about the pressure already. For most parents this is their first and only child.

Don't worry about it then. The work you have is to keep control of your own anxiety about it. Not a small job! But an important one.

Yes and managing the other parents anxiety and effect their chat has on my own anxiety ! I'm super chatty and make connections easily. I should just go there and mind my own business / not chat as much and go home. They stress me out !

One thing I started when my DS was in reception (he's now Y11) is trying to to get him to take (age appropriate) responsibility for his own stuff that he needed for school.

There's a big temptation to sort this for them because it's easier and quicker, but if they can engage with this from the start it pays dividends later on.

So you could ask her "What do you need to take today" and she might or might not be able to tell you all of it (jumper, lunch, reading book, water bottle etc). If that's too hard, ask her to check if she has x, y, z in her bag. Then try again in a couple of terms or next year with "what do you need to take today".

I took this approach with DS from the start and he now always has what he needs for school and does all his own holiday packing independently and accurately.

Also, he was another one who wouldn't always open up immediately about his school day and needed the right question. I found that asking about lunch or snack was a good jumping off point, as was asking who got into trouble that day!

Oh, and I meant to say, ignore the pushy school gate chat. Our reception class mums used to get competitive about who was on which reading band and it was just ridiculous. Ignore all that and keep doing what you're doing!

Sorry I cross posted with you. School does put pressure on but if you're worried about that pressure on your daughter you need to be the place/person that doesn't put pressure on her. As it stands you're doing school work for fun and led by her and that's great. Turning it into a battle or problem would be a mistake.

School has the responsibility for her academic education but you have the responsibility for her academic education AND every other aspect of her safety and happiness. So if school are putting pressure on you need to balance the other aspects of her life so that her wellbeing is prioritised. That means putting the importance of her academic success in its proper place: less important than her love of learning, which is in turn one aspect of her overall wellbeing.

I would always start by asking what they had for lunch! Then they'd tell me who got in trouble (but never admit when they'd got in trouble of course 😂

If you get stressed about it your child may feel stressed to. Spend time talking to your child, pointing things of interest out, help her to see the world around her. Most importantly make it fun so she enjoys learning through doing everyday normal things, just living life really.