Feeling daunted by my child starting reception - how much should I help after school ?

[lighg]

My DD started reception this week and I just feel filled with worries about how she's going to get on and how much I need to help her succeed.

I just don't think I'm very good/ patient at helping her and I know that she will need my help if she's going to succeed at school.

Any recommendations of how I can learn to help her the right way ? I'm just filled with worries this evening about it all.

Don’t ask lots of questions straight after school about her day, mine was tired and all I got was I don’t know or I can’t remember, he needed like an hour after school to chill

You don’t really need to do a lot, just read stories as normal and she’ll pick it up. Ours had to read at home 3x a week. The school did sessions for parents on supporting phonics and do quite a lot of stay and play sessions all the way through to year 6 for maths, crafts, reading. Any child that wasn’t really there had early interventions with sessions in groups and were taken out of class for an hour on a morning

Millions of parents have gone through this before you. All will be fine. The teachers will tell you what they want or need you to do at home to support them, and like others say this will initially be doing a few pages of reading in the school-supplied reading books every day. Anything you can do to support a love of reading or curiosity will help, as will keeping your anxiety levels down.

Don't stress about the phonics screening, it's for the government not the kids. I'm a teacher.

Not sure you can be behind before starting school. Reception is to get them all on a fairly equal level before the real stuff starts in year 1.

Don’t ask lots of questions straight after school about her day, mine was tired and all I got was I don’t know or I can’t remember, he needed like an hour after school to

She hates talking about school ! She actually tells me she doesn't want to talk about it. She shares a little bit when she wants but if I ask more about it, she just says ' no, I don't want to talk about it '.

If I dare ask her in the car straight after, she always says ' I don't want to talk '.. 😂

So I don't harp on and kind of wait until she wants to share.

Yes but the school will teach them the 15 sounds and how to blend. It's not your job to do that apart from if the school specifically ask you to do anything at home. They have their methods which work amazingly well.

In my daughter's class of 17 I don't think any of them could write their name legibly in September. They stuck their initial efforts to the wall in the classroom which I how I know . By July they all, without exception, met the objectives of the phonics scheme they're on. Including writing a few sentences independently, reading books independently. This is a primary school in a predominantly working class area although not deprived as such but just an ordinary primary school nothing fancy.

If you want to help, hot housing academics isn't how to do.it. Provide craft materials, music , play outside etc that schools don't do so much of.

They don't have to know 15 sounds, many won't! They will never tell you the results of these assessments, they are there for the government to track progress, which of course is going to be massive between reception and year 6. She's 4-5 years old, don't worry about assessments, book bands, SAT's results....none of it matters. They are all changing and developing constantly, and that shy, quiet boy in the corner who seems like he's 'behind' the rest might yet be the one to get the best GCSE results!

DS couldn't reliably blend until half way through year 1.

He's now 12, top set for everything and reading age of 15+

Don't stress they get there in their own time!

I don't need to be dismissive and it's just another person's perspective but this is absolutely nothing to worry about

Well I never did more than the minimum reading and homework and both my children achieved top grades at GCSE. Once they started secondary I didn’t help with anything. You don’t necessarily need to do loads, as others have said reading is great if you do that and helping with homework. They also knew no phonics when they started, unlike the kids who attended the nursery at the school. DS was just 4 as he was an August baby.

@lighg my DS knew a few phonics as he had an older sister but couldn't write his name or anything when starting school (summer baby) and he scored top in SATS in the whole - fairly large - school.

Just be around for her, snack, play time. Read at bed time.

The best thing you can do is something they like to call cultural capital in educational terms. That means things like museums, National trust places, being in nature and learning about bugs or baking, or planting seeds, or making your own art works or doing little science experiments - general background knowledge about the world and how it works and I really don't mean sit down lessons, just experiencing things together.

I met quite a few parents who said their children are ' reading already ' so I just don't think I'm the only one who wants my DD to have a good start.

It's unlikely children of 3-4 will start reading with no adult help..

It's also unlikely that all of the children are reading already - parents like to exaggerate.

They probably aren't. And anyway, nobody's told you not to help at all, we've said listen to her read and read to her. Just don't stress trying to learn the phonics yourself and make her practice those specific sounds.

DC2 is off to Uni next year so I'll be an empty nester. In my experience there will be plenty of stressier times so pace yourself. 😁

The fact that you care means your DD already has a good start. Read bedtime stories to her and encourage any practice reading/writing she wants to do. Make reading fun.

Encourage a love of learning. Good primary schools will lay the foundations for a life long love of.learning (before puberty knocks it out of them) so just encourage that at home too.

I bet that you are already doing, informally, all that you need to be doing in order to help her thrive at school. Just reading to her, talking with her about the world, encouraging her intrinsic disposition towards learning and exploring. A lot of the 'learning support' activities parents are urged towards are just formalisations of the learning opportunities afforded by normal caring back and forth between parents and children.

If at any point the teacher says to you that DD hasn't quite got up to speed with such-and-such, then that might be the point at which you can use some of the formalised activities (not so much to help her with her learning, but to help her express her new understandings in the terms that the curriculum requires her to.)

My children (teens) do very well at school. I have never done any formal learning with them outside school, just tried to instil a love of learning.

I always saw phonics etc is school's job. Instead we encouraged interest in the topics they were doing (day trips to a Roman villa when doing Romans for example), made sure we experienced stories of all kinds by reading them aloud, watching them and talking about them, having books and comics in the house, and tried to play lots of counting and betting type games together. Singing is good and music too, creating it and listening to it.

I have tried to ignore the competitive nature of school achievements and tell them the path of their learning and improvement is what matters, not where they are placed against other people (and to repeat this to myself too, I won't pretend this is easy with other parents either). Obviously I have helped with homework where necessary but I really think that the job of home is to focus on enjoyment of learning not the bolts and bricks of it, which is what school is for.

Definitely don't make her do extra stuff after school! Do read together but don't worry overly about whether you are reading the book sent home by school or something else - don't make it a battle. Go to the library and let her choose whatever books she likes.
Ignore the other parents, sounds like you may have many years of these parents telling you that little Jonny and Jane have done x, y, z.
I'm sure she will be fine with the assessment but if not she might get some extra help with phonics. Nobody at a job interview is going to ask what happened in her reception phonics screening!!
No need to tell us if you don't want to but is there a particular reason you're feeling so worried about this? For example, did you have a parent who either couldn't help with your schoolwork or alternatively was very invested in your achievements or compared a lot to others?
How do you feel about your own school experience?
Do you have any reason to think she might struggle? (If not I really would leave her to it and see how she gets on)
Are you in an area or do you come from a family that is particularly competitive about grades/scores/performance?
I have found my children going to school has made me reflect on some of my own attitudes so maybe just worth considering what might have influenced your feelings around this.

Don't bombard her with questions until you're home and she's had a snack or you might just get "can't remember" as a response. Be happy to see her, chat about the evening ahead and follow her lead with the conversation. With the after school work go with what the school advise, read together daily, don't force more learning on her if she's tired and remember it's ok to not do the homework if she's tired!

They may well be, but so what. Your daughter will probably be able to do things they can't too.

Questions like “who did you play with today?” And “what was the best thing today?” Can be much better than a “how was school?” Type I have found.

I am sorry the school has made you feel anxious about your child being behind during week one.

The school will teach phonics. The assessment won't be a formal thing which you fail, it will just be to see if your child has learnt the sound they have been taught before they move on. They will do phonics all through reception, year 1 and even year 2 , so it's not a quick thing.

Education is a marathon not a sprint so being the first to get somewhere isn't necessary.

I picked things up really easily at school and was always ahead. I have struggled my whole life with not letting criticism define me as a person, I guess. I'm hard on myself and therefore I'm hard on myself regarding my children and if I'm doing enough to help them succeed in life.

I was always the perfect, well behaved child.

Anyway, my DD. I don't have concerns as such but at her preschool last year, which is part of the school she's now at reception at, they did mark her as ' emerging ' on a few categories.

Like numerical patterns and writing, as well as listening understanding and attention. Self regulation and building relationships was also emerging. She was ' expected ' in the other categories and ' exceeding ' in expressive arts and design.

It just made me feel like she was already behind on stuff.

Other parents were showing off how their DC's reports were excellent and exceeding etc and others were upset their child was only in the emerging category and not exceeding in things. I didn't hear anyone mention that their child was emerging on anything. I never brought up these convos and didn't comment.

You're worrying way, way too much.

She's just started school , the teachers will teach her phonics and then let you know in due course how you can support her. They haven't had a chance to teach her anything yet so just be patient and wait till your first parents evening or if they offer any sessions to parents to help support phonics go to that. If you start worrying in her first week of reception that she's already "behind" you're going to drive yourself mad by half term. Just chill out. Mine did phonics for the first 2 years, it's a marathon not a sprint. Every child learns at a different pace.

What you can do is read to her. Show an interest in her day, talk to her about her friends that kind of stuff. Playdoh and drawing to build fine motor. Make sure she's ok putting clothes on and off/doing her coat up, building independence.

It's so easy to fall into the competitiveness that happens between parents. With my first, I felt it when I heard of other children being on higher book bands, getting greater depth in everything etc. My advice is to not engage in these discussions.....with my second I realise that none of it really matters at this young age as the my all change, have leaps etc at different times. Also remember that a lot of it now is to do with brain development rather than intelligence, and this happens at different rates. The ones who are ahead now won't necessarily be the ones who are ahead come year 1, 2, 3 etc. I'm sure you won't but try not to let your dd pick up on the pressure you are feeling, it's not a race or a competion, it's only reception!

As much as you enjoy. It should be fun not pressure. Please don't beat yourself up about this. Just include her in normal things that might support learning, like counting the vegetables in a recipe or counting cakes on a plate.spotting things on a nature walk & talking about them, drawing & craft and encoraging her to develop interests on her own, not just with you If sh doesnt want to talk about her day at school thats fine. I never worried too much about what they learnt & hitting targets & both are achieving well in secondary. My main concern was did they have friends and are they socialising well. Putting effort into spending time with other positive people is effort well spent I think, if they enjoy it.