To think children need to do more housework

[Pickledhen]

OK so hands up I'm single and childless so prepared to been pilloried for even asking this.

I see so many women doing so much, working full time , childcare, housework at home and honestly don't know if I would be sane if I had to do it full time. Oftentimes husbands partners boyfriends aren't necessarily pulling their weight or are absentee, but concede they may not able to contribute to child and home care due to their own work commitments.

In saying all this, I see some parents doing absolutely everything for their children irregardless of their age. Many of my peers had to do chores before they were able to go out to play...make their own beds, clean their bedrooms, put washing in basket and do the dishes after meals...( yes I'm that old ...before dishwashers) ...so my question is this , do you do this or not? ...if so what age did you start getting your children on board with helping out at home? has it helped you coming into their later years? ...or.... if not why not o? is it unreasonable in modern society where commutes to/from school may be longer or some other reason that makes it more difficult to do this now.

Really I'm just curious rather than being judgemental whether it happens or not.

Lots of questions so probably not a straightforward AIBU

AINBU to expect children to do more housework
AIBU to expect children to not do housework

The OP all but suggested it. Women who work FT still have to do housework around paid work, while men “aren't necessarily pulling their weight or are absentee, but concede they may not able to contribute to child and home care due to their own work commitments.”

Then I completely agree! Children should not be doing chores in lieu of men. The whole family should be mucking in.

Both my 10 and 12yo load the dishwasher, hoover, tidy and clean their rooms, put laundry in the wash basket. Basically, they clean up after themselves and also help out with gardening, washing the car and will even pitch in with decorating. I’ve spent enough time telling them life isn’t a free ride and when they’re no longer living with me and DH they have to sort their own shit out!

I can't get excited about this. I was a fairly lazy teenager who didn't help much. I got a rude wake-up call when I left at 18 for university and had to start cooking for myself and doing my own laundry and washing-up. Then after uni I lived in a flat-share with two other quite house-proud girls and so I did my bit in keeping the place spick and span because that was the general expectation.

Personally, I think it's far more important for adult men to do chores than for children to do chores. Children, especially boys, need to understand that this is what grown-ups do. If they can learn some useful skills during childhood, that's great and will prevent a nasty shock in early adulthood, but they'll all get there in the end (boys and girls) so long as they're given the message loud and clear that this is their responsibility. The problem at the moment is that boys/men aren't given this message.

DS had to help with chores, I didn’t want him to end up useless or expect to be waited on. He did all his own washing form High School age. I was apparently helping fetch stuff from a very young age in our family restaurant though I can’t remember. Culturally you are not saying no or having a strop about chores ever within my Dads culture and my English Mother was raised by military parents.

I have two teenage sons. They do the hoovering, load the washing machine and will wash up if I nag Lol. They can cook easy stuff as well. Trying to bring them up to be independent people

My view is you start early. A toddler can learn that dirty clothes go in the washing basket, not on the floor. Small children can take things to the table and help clear a table. Just instilling the assumption that we all help out is important. Not that I liked doing this stuff, but I understood the house didn't run itself.

I had so many chores i didnt have a childhood BUT i look back now and im happy i did have chores.
Im spotless and childless also a minimalist.
My mother was tough on us real tough but i thank her for it now.
No mushy talk fall over get back up.
Lose every thing start again.

My teens are both ND. During term time school is a lot for them to handle, so we just get them to make their packed lunches on weekdays, homework at the weekends.

In the holidays on days when DH and I are both working I leave them a list with a few chores each.

I was made to do chores growing up and tbh it was a point of contention most days, I decided I'd rather have a more relaxed approach.

DH cooks and does a lot of the cleaning in our house, which I think is important for them both to see.

More housework than ?

I expext our 11 yo to tidy up after herself, empty the dishwasher, feed the cat, take trash out and lay the table and keep track of her schoolbag/PE stuff. Every day. She spends around 20 minutes I guess.

She helps cooking dinner once a week. She does her packed lunch 2-3 times a week. She does the floors every second week. She runs to the shop if we have forgotten milk or a cucumber. She sometimes helps with laundry and puts her own away I leave it on her her bed.

She has long days at school, homework and extra curriculum.

I don't need the children to pull their weight but of course we (parents) need to help them to learn basic housekeeping. The two oldest now +18 yo turned out quite well.

Similar to others in here I am just so busy it’s often easier/quicker to just do it myself and my dc are in wraparound care 8-6 and they also have to find time to do their homework and shower, socialise etc so I don’t give them a list of chores to do in the evenings. I do expect them to put their washing in the laundry basket and put their clean laundry away. They also feed pets and eldest (14) will often look after younger dc when I lm exercising or start dinner if I’m not home from work on time as she gets in 30 mins before I do but these are not chores as such just participating in the household.

You think they will actually do it in 4 years you if they don’t do it now? It should the norm that every person in thr household helps a bit.

my 8 y old helps empty the dishwasher, hang up the washing and can tidy away her own laundry.

Mine are 5 & 7

They:
Put their own washing away
Tidy bedrooms (ish. )
Make the breakfast - porridge on school days, pancakes on weekends.
Help with food prep generally
Empty & fill dishwasher

Me too!

All our kids do regular chores.
12yo makes dinner once a week independently, empties the dishwasher every night, puts laundry load on every day and obviously tidies up after himself with own dishes/toys/equipment etc. oh and puts all his own laundry away throughout the week.

10yo is learning to make dinner once a week, empties dishwasher daily, puts away all own laundry throughout the week and tidies up after himself with own dishes/toys/equipment etc.

5yo puts own laundry away throughout the week, helps with emptying the dishwasher daily, helps clear dinner table after mealtime.

So overall quite alot really! It isn't always easy or straightforward, but I think it's really important so we keep at it. Growing up I never felt there were clear expectations of how I was expected to contribute to the household (more like just help out when I ask, and I wanted more clarity than that!) so I've tried to give that to my kids.

Mine are 11, 9, and 7.

They have a whiteboard with a list of about 15 possible chores and the days of the week. There are 20p chores and 50p chores. They have to each do two chores a day and they tick the board when they do them. They choose the chores and the list was agreed by us all. They have basic chores that they don't get paid for: putting away laundry; making beds; tidying their room etc. The paid chores are emptying the dishwasher, hoovering the stairs, recycling, cleaning round the bathroom sink and surfaces etc. They also make their own tea once a week, and breakfast and lunch at the weekend. This started from they were 5 or 6 and has required training and support but they're pretty good at it all now. Not perfect and sometimes need a rocket up them but on the whole they like it.

^ This. Maybe we miss the point though and it’s the taking part that counts and they’ll get better in time.. 🙈

Midweek we don't have time but on a Saturday morning DS(7) puts his washing away and empties the dishwasher. He's also started vacuuming

I think that is a really good point. More children now simply aren't at home as much to do chores. I got home from school and did breakfast washing up before parents got home from work (in the days when you could be a latchkey kid at 7 and nobody thought anything of it) did hoovering and dusting weekly and we always did the clearing up after tea, even though we ate quite late because of step dad's work, but we had plenty of home time after school.
Many children today are out of the house in the week from 8 until 6. It's a long day for little people. Seems a bit rotten to make them spend the two or three hours before bed doing chores between eating/having a bath, etc.
I had time to watch TV, do chores, have food and play out with a bed time of 8:30. But hard to do all that if you don't get home until 6.

YANBU.

We didn’t have set chores growing up, but it was expected we’d join in with whatever cleaning / cooking / house maintenance was going on, in an age appropriate manner. It’s called teaching children to become contributing members of a household.

I was recently in charge of a large group of 12 to 16 year olds at a multi-day event. The vast majority of them did not clean up after themselves, and it was incredibly frustrating having to constantly remind them to pick food off the floor, to wash their own plates, to respect the bathroom cleaning rota (nothing crazy, just replacing paper towels and soap, they didn’t have to clean much). Their parents (we have spoken to a few) are of the opinion that children shouldn’t be made to help at home, instead they should focus on school and enjoy their childhood…

The result was a couple dozen teenagers who should be capable of doing some minimal chores to keep living spaces tidy and clean during a few days, but who expected us, the adults in charge, to do everything for them. “At home I never have to clean”.

Sure, some might they’ll learn how to clean their own houses one day. In the meantime, they have no respect for other people’s spaces and feel no responsibility to contribute in a community situation.

My boys are 11 and 13. They have to load/unload the dishwasher, tidy their rooms and help with general cleaning every week (hoovering, tidying, cleaning the bathroom) and sometimes they mow the lawn or wash the car. Now they're a bit older we're going to start getting them to cook a meal once a week too, and doing laundry. The 11 year old wants to learn how to iron on condition that he gets extra pocket money 🤣

The issue with that is, not all households have adult men in them.

I'm a lone parent and I make DS do stuff around the house. I'm not a skivvy.

That's why you need to persevere and not fall into that trap. I don't care how long it takes, I refuse to follow the mindset of "I'll just do it because it's quicker" it doesn't do anyone any favours in the long run. Just creates lazy men!

I've brought DS up alone and taught him how to do stuff, if he did a half arsed job I'd make him do it again, if it took longer so be it. And he actually learned that way that if he did a proper job the first time around it would be over with much quicker!

I teach my son to tidy up after himself, shoes on shoe rack, coat hung up, wet towels hung up and not left on floor, dirty clothes in hamper, rubbish in bin etc...

I don't make him do any housework, just trying to teach him good habits. He's 8

Should children do housework - yes

However, I was quite a lazy teenager, I didn't have any chores and we lived in a pigsty. I've still grown up perfectly capable of keeping my house clean and tidy. I'm often complimented on how lovely and well kept my house is.

I have always taught/made my children to help round the house. So for example my teenager has to take bins out, empty the dishwasher, put a load of laundry on, put his own washing away, change his bedding and clean his room, clear up the kitchen, cut the grass. Not all at once, but he does get asked to do at least one of these things. I've been making him do chores since he was tiny.

It hasn't stoped him being a lazy so and so. He still moans and complains and tries to get away with doing a half job.

I think it's important as a minimum that children clear up after themselves and respect their environment and the people who keep it nice for them. So put dirty clothes in the wash, rubbish in the bin, pick up things they drop, help to tidy their own toys after use, clear plates after dinner, flush the toilet and leave it clean. They should see themselves as team members not as being above household tasks. Beyond that, the amount of actual chores they do perhaps isn't so important, but it's more about the attitude and understanding that someone is doing these tasks if they don't. I also encourage my children to think about who cleans their school and be grateful for them.

I have just split up with someone who literally expected me to skivvy after him. Every time he gives a child a bath he thinks he's being a great dad but there will be a wet towel on the floor, dirty clothes on the floor, water and toys left in the bath. He cooks but then leaves the kitchen in a complete state with fish wrappers dumped in the sink etc. He obviously has never been taught to be respectful in a shared space.

Now I'm a single parent it's more important that children help although they're only young but I do expect them to help with clearing and laying the table and tidying up as team members, I tell them that if they help it will be done quicker and we can do something fun. I also tell them I need their help and value it. My 5 year old is actually quite good at helping now - it is genuinely a help (when she's in the right mood which isn't always!)