Am I a rubbish wife?

[exhausted20999]

I have 2 kids under 3 and am a SAHM right now but have plans to retrain soon. My husband works really hard, has his own business and between him working late or abroad , and all the night’s of broken sleep, we spend very little time together and even less quality time. We have no family anywhere near to help us so if we need help we have to pay for it. We don’t sleep in the same bed together as we alternate nights for our littlest baby who wakes several times a night and is a very early riser. Because of all of this our sex life is non existent. I have had back to back pregnancies and births, my body is a mess, I just have no confidence and my sex drive is so low. I have no energy to exercise, let alone sexercise. I know I need to sort this out and also arrange more time with my husband. He does have some plans to go part time and we’re looking at childcare options. In myself I feel like a different person to what I did a couple of years ago, all my love and energy goes into my kids and giving them the best life. We recently spend a big chunk of time in hospital, our baby was seriously ill. It’s been hard to mentally recover from it, I feel like I am still processing and just permanently anxious and serious. I used to be fun and chilled. I just don’t think I am that great to be around for him and we argue, which we never did before kids. I know it’s not forever but right now I am such a trad wife, my days are really long and exhausting, drop offs, pick ups, three meals a day with variations for each kid, cleaning, laundry, tidying up toys, I like it to some degree and appreciate this time is precious but I think I need some variety. I really do miss having fun with my husband, I feel like we need a few days away together, but this is not possible, so I wonder what the alternative is and how I can get things back on track with myself and him?

What does he do for you to give you time and space to feel like yourself and have energy for other things? Honestly I don’t think this is your issue to solve, it’s a common phase in a relationship after kids especially close together and without some effort on both parts for you to both feel like yourselves it’ll never change. It’s not on you to ‘sort yourself out’ so you can provide sex to your husband on top of everything else you’re doing!

Turn this question on its head.

Is he a rubbish husband? You haven't asked this question. Why haven't you asked this question? It's a relevant question.

Why is the burden of all this fall on you? Because he does 'the important' job and earns money? That totally devalues what you bring to the relationship.

If you weren't there, what more would he have to do? And what would it cost him to cover childcare?

This is 50% down to him. He should shoulder the relevant 50% of 'am I a rubbish husband?' He has ultimately prioritised the business over quality family time and supporting you. But he hasn't to this point. DO NOT forget this. You are working. Unpaid. That's valuable and is adding to the family.

So don't be so hard on yourself. You can only do what you can manage. You can't do more.

He needs to improve his work/home balance and/or pay for you to have support through child care. He has to value and prioritise you too.

@OrangeSlices998 good point. He doesn't do loads but he does earn good money which allows me to a few things for myself like get a massage now and again. He does alternate nights with me, which is good. He does next to nothing around the house but I guess that's my job whilst I am not working. I am reassured by you saying it's just a phase. I hope it gets easier 🤞

If there is no time for each other - one person often finds that missing part elsewhere .
no blame cast - just seen it happen many times over .

@Fidgety31 I don't have time for an affair and kind of doubt he has too, but thank you for planting that seed

I think if he’s working, travelling and doing every other night for wake ups then he’s doing his fair share. If you’re sleeping a full night every other night why do you not have energy for exercise? Do you think there could possibly be more going on for you than just feeling tired? Is your mood generally low?

@RedToothBrush he isn't a rubbish husband, but he could do more yes. I am hoping when he reduces his hours then we can at least do a few more things in the day and enjoy our time together again.

@Evergreen90 yes I think there might be more. I was thinking I would get my thyroid checked.

I agree with this!

I’m not a sahm but I’m on a long mat leave so as far as the day to day goes I am.
It took me a really long time to recover from birth, not just physically but also emptionally. Learning to adjust past the newborn stage, balancing a baby and a toddler etc.
I had no interest in intimacy for most of the first year post baby 2. I just explained to my DH that it was hard to feel close to him, or in the mood when my whole day revolves around the kids, even in the evening I’m “on” because the baby wakes, and then wakes in the night. Despite DH pulling his weight with chores and stuff I just couldn’t feel like a person in my own right with two very needy kids.
We had a conversation about missing that aspect of our life and DH is very good about putting things in place to help. It’s not about it being transactional but he knows I need my mind free to be open to that, so he cleans the kitchen before work, he puts the kids down and runs me a bath during, or if I do the kids I come out to a spotless kitchen and living room etc.

It’s not about just what one person can do!

That’s a good idea. I’d ask for a full blood count (FBC). It may also be worth just checking in with yourself about how your mental health is. Exercising is generally useful for getting ourselves out of a lull (both low energy and low mood) but when we’re in it, exercising in the last thing we want to do. It’s difficult but you’re doing your best. Be kind to yourself and start off with with small achievable goals

What a helpful comment to someone who is struggling and completely burnt out.

So why are you putting on yourself? You can't physically do more. The definition of a good wife would be doing all you can. Plus you don't think he's a rubbish husband despite the fact you think he could do more...

@RedToothBrush yes this is true, I don't think I can do much more. Apart from try to improve my mood - I am very irritable :(

You are not a rubbish wife, you are in the thick of young children. It’s exhausting.

Have a conversation with your husband, tell him you miss him, he might be feeling the same. You are a team and you are in this together so communicate. These years don’t last forever.

Seriously?

So don't beat yourself up.

Its part of having young kids. They will eventually sleep. When that happens you will have a whole load of other things to do, but you will at least have sleep!

Don't forget that sleep deprevation is used as a form of torture. It messes with your mind.

It will get better. Just don't forget to also enjoy the time you have with the kids now as exhausting as it is. You will have years with your husband when they are gone...

I agree with those above saying you're both putting in 100%, so neither of you are in the wrong! He's providing (perhaps working excessive hours even!), and helping out where he can, and you're pulling an equal shift at home.

I'd do a review of your time/spends and see what you can streamline.

-How much time is spent cooking, cleaning, chasing after the kids
-How much time is spent commuting, waiting in traffic, food shopping
That sort of thing.

Tot it up (on average) in hours, and see what can be done. Can you ask a friend to take them to school? Can you get food delivered? Can you let someone sit them (either during a work day, or at a weekend so you can have real couple's time), can you hire a cleaner? - but conversely, can he get a day WFH? Is there a real reason he is putting in all these hours?

You have 2 kids under 3, ones been very unwell, he doesn’t do anything around the house (although helping with nights is a great sign) you just say to him sorry I’m absolutely buggered, hoping to find some of me back when you cut down your hours. You don’t have anything left to give, don’t feel bad.

in your shoes my dh would be cooking, and chucking on a few loads of washing and doing nappies on the weekends. Don’t be too grateful just because he has a job. If you didn’t exist he’d still have a house and need to eat and wear clothes.

I could have written this myself op
I literally can't remember the last time DH and I had an evening to ourselves, but we did choose to move away and don't have family nearby to help. It's part of the trade off for the life we chose but God it would be a luxury for us to have a night away!
Having young children is incredibly hard, Especially when rough nights are concerned. You're not a rubbish wife at all. As far as the intimacy goes, I would say maybe try and organize some quality time with DH where you can get away from the children even for a few hours so you can reconnect as a couple even if you don't end up having full sex. Is there anyone that could help out for a short time?

Dh and I are in the same boat. Sleep separately as well because I have the baby most nights and a 4 year old ds with ND. No real sex life to speak of and I have zero worries he will "find it elsewhere". Things are just tough at the moment but it doesn't last forever as youve said. We've accepted that now is for the kids, later down the line will be for us again. We do go out of our way to send supportive/loving texts to each other throughout the day, and I send pics and videos of the dc so he doesn't feel as he's missing everything. I make sure he has dinner ready and kids are settled before he gets home. He sits at the foot of my bed a few nights a week while I snuggle the kids and he rubs my feet before he goes to his room. It's little things like that we can do, maybe a nice note to the other left out to see in the morning, but that's about all we can manage at the moment. Dh doesn't do much around the house either so I had him take over most of the shopping which took a big load off my shoulders.

I'm sorry but i disagree with this. If I was working full time and my DH was stay at home dad and he expected me to come in and chuck washing in and cook when he has been at home all or most of the day I would be telling him to shove it!

You’re in the thick of it right now and probably both on your knees.

If husband can help any more then he should (eg at weekends perhaps he can do some laundry, shopping or batch cooking to make the week easier) - sounds like he is being reasonably helpful though.

Best thing you can do is have a chat and just agree that life is a bit rubbish right now, your romantic relationship is going to be a bit rubbish too, that’s just the way it is for the short term. Agree with each other that it’s survival mode, you both won’t expect too much right now relationship wise, you will try not to blow any grumpy comments etc out of proportion, and you will both aim to get things back on track later when things are easier.

If he’s the kind of guy who will go off and find it elsewhere during this phase then frankly he probably would have done it anyway whatever you did.

If you came home from working full time without a sahp then you would have to cook your dinner and put your own wash on, no?

A sahp’s role, particularly with 2 under 3s is largely childcare based. Has she not also been working all day and yet she’s the only one you expect to work into the evening while he does nothing?

Start by doing small things together. Could be something as simple as getting a takeaway, or watching a film together.

You're not a rubbish wife, but a worn out mother. Having babies and young children are hard work. Don’t beat yourself up.

But if you live alone you don't have the choice. As partners you work as a team and it may sound old fashioned but it makes sense that the one who has been home all day prepares the evening meal?
In my home I usually do dinner during the week and DH usually cooks Fri and sat