Am I a rubbish wife?

[exhausted20999]

I have 2 kids under 3 and am a SAHM right now but have plans to retrain soon. My husband works really hard, has his own business and between him working late or abroad , and all the night’s of broken sleep, we spend very little time together and even less quality time. We have no family anywhere near to help us so if we need help we have to pay for it. We don’t sleep in the same bed together as we alternate nights for our littlest baby who wakes several times a night and is a very early riser. Because of all of this our sex life is non existent. I have had back to back pregnancies and births, my body is a mess, I just have no confidence and my sex drive is so low. I have no energy to exercise, let alone sexercise. I know I need to sort this out and also arrange more time with my husband. He does have some plans to go part time and we’re looking at childcare options. In myself I feel like a different person to what I did a couple of years ago, all my love and energy goes into my kids and giving them the best life. We recently spend a big chunk of time in hospital, our baby was seriously ill. It’s been hard to mentally recover from it, I feel like I am still processing and just permanently anxious and serious. I used to be fun and chilled. I just don’t think I am that great to be around for him and we argue, which we never did before kids. I know it’s not forever but right now I am such a trad wife, my days are really long and exhausting, drop offs, pick ups, three meals a day with variations for each kid, cleaning, laundry, tidying up toys, I like it to some degree and appreciate this time is precious but I think I need some variety. I really do miss having fun with my husband, I feel like we need a few days away together, but this is not possible, so I wonder what the alternative is and how I can get things back on track with myself and him?

Good advice.

He's equally responsible for getting things 'back on track'. The way you speak of yourself makes me think you could do with some counselling.
I know you feel like you're quite overwhelmed right now, but things will hopefully improve.
Can you sit down with husband and talk openly about how things have changed, and what you both think can be done to get more time together, feel closer again etc. it could just be a couple of small things at first.
At some point soon do you think you could start using some childcare? If that is something you can afford and agree on.

When times are tough not everyone seeks it else where. Many people are able to still remain faithful during rough patches for whatever reason may cause them. You can clearly tell by her post she’s feeling abit rubbish about the situation your comment was totally uncalled for.

What an absolute shit show of a comment, bitter are we?

I think be kind to yourself. You are in the trenches now and it will get easier as the children get older.

To be honest, I would just print out what you have written in your post and show it to him. It's sometimes hard to talk about our feelings in person, but I think your post will explain to him the areas you are struggling with but also tells him that you care and want things to change in the future.
Men are very simple creatures and to expect them to read our minds is too much, so just show him what you have written and hope he appreciates the honesty and feels the same way. The intimacy might not pick up straight away, but at least he knows your desire for it to return in the future is still there. Hope that helps.

@bifurCAT thanks for your note. We're already quite streamlined, food delivered once a week plus milk man, we do have a couple of hours of cleaning (change bedding, hoover, ironing) and have help with the garden. I can get some help with pick up and drop off for our eldest so yes I think I will take that. We are looking at getting an Au pair once I have started my course which I think is the best long term solution. DH works from home 95% of the time - I do think this adds to the pressure as I feel I have another person to 'look after' during the day.

@Cappuccinowithonesugarplease where would we go? To a hotel?

@BabyOwlinthePlumeria it sounds like you have a great relationship- I do think I need to have a conversation that makes it clear that I want to get things back on track and I acknowledge we are in survival mode and hopefully we can reconnect. I do feel I do most the emotional work in the relationship and it's quite exhausting on top of everything else. I am hoping he will have more time and space for this once he reduces his hours

My opinion is that until DH cuts his hours down not much is going to change. This can’t go on long term. You both sound burnt out and your marriage can’t last like this forever.

It is great DH works hard but always being at work or working abroad whilst you’re at home looking after the 2 DC all day and being passing ships in the night = both parents stressed and burnt out

Have you thought about 1 day or morning in nursery to give you time to relax

But - every adult around here is free to decide what they want from life, we all make our own beds!
In fact, this has been rammed into my generation since childhood.

@Mooneywoo my husband works from home but yeah it wouldn't make sense for him to cook, we'd be eating so late, he finishes at 6 sometimes 7 so it would give him zero time with the kids. I find it tough cooking with two kids to look after but it's necessary to keep everything running smoothly

@Dreamcatchergirl yes I would agree. We have our 3 year old in 2.5 days a week at preschool but it doesn't acceepd

@Dreamcatchergirl sorry posted too soon- nursery doesn't accept kids below 2 but will have child minder one day a week from October so I can start my course

@GingerPirate what do you mean?

So, you have two kids. You are a SAHM but you have a cleaner who changes the beds, irons and cleans. On of your kids is out 2 and a half days a week at preschool. Your husband takes turns equally to give you every other night off to sleep.
Saw an angry thread on here from a working mum whose husband was a stay at home parent and she was furious that he did not do enough housework. The consensus was he should be responsible for the housework if she was the main breadwinner

Your situation really doesn't sound too bad.

Such an unnecessary comment.

Every husband/father must be having affairs then, because I don't know any couple that doesn't have a phase like this where they are exhausted and finding how to navigate their identity as partners and parents.

What timw your children go to sleep?
I'd usually put mine and go downstairs for a pint/netflix/sex.
Tbh for intimacy with two small cgildren you orobably need 5min to wash uo and 5min to do it. Nonromantic quick sex worked quite well for us to break off dry spells.
Good luck

I think you and DH need to sit down for a chat, you need to tell him what you're telling us. You're both in survival mode but you need to stick together through it to come out the other side together.

How long until he goes part time? I think that will help you a lot.

In the mean time you need to try carve some time out for yourself and as a couple. If money isn't an issue then perhaps a nice takeaway once or twice a week for you and DH? Give the kids an easy 'picky' type tea then once they are asleep or spending time with dad, have a nice bubble bath, relax and pamper yourself then sit with DH and chat/watch a movie over a (stress free) meal? Moments like that might help you both reconnect.

I mean, a PP mentioned you were burnt out.
I'm sorry about that.
A wise person was telling me since childhood that living with and committing to a man and possibly having a family is only worthwhile if it makes your life better.
Obviously I speak just for myself.

@Vintago shock horror mum hires cleaner to help her with a fraction of the mental load!

I love my husband but I have no desire to iron his shirts.

I don't think my situation is bad at all, I love my family and my life but 2 under 3 is hard! Would I like more of a 'village' eg family close by to help, yes that would be amazing but we don't have that. Would I like my husband not to go away on business and leave me with kids? Ideally not but it is what it is and I just have to find a way through it.

I am looking for validation that yes this period is hard, to connect with others going through it now, and any hints and tips on how to navigate and get relationship on track, or to know if and where there is an end point

I didn't need to be invalidated and for you to reference irrelevant and unrelated posts

@GingerPirate life is so much better with kids and husband yes - I am very grateful as there's so many magical moments every day. Doesn't mean this period isn't hard.

This is why I wouldn't want to be a SAHM , it would impact my wellbeing, I need a world outside of my family home. I do think a sahp should do the lion's share of chores because that's your 'job' so to speak it sounds like you already have a gardener and potentially a cleaner . You might not be cut out to be a SAHP I'm not! There's nothing wrong with that

The difference in that post was the OPs DH done absolutely fuck all in the day when he was being "SAHP". This OP clearly looks after the kids, cooks, cleans, does the laundry...and probably many other things. The only thing she has mentioned help with is bed changing, hoovering and ironing. If the only chores that go on in your home are those 3 things then you're absolutely smashing life well done you 🌟🌟

But the OP and her husband are not living as man and wife but as house mates who care for their children. Think of the posts from women who ask for validation that living without a sexual relationship is emotionally crippling and makes them feel really rejected. Would your life be better OP without your husband? Do you want to get back to being a couple?
My grandma had eight kids. My grandma also ran a laundry and she had three under three at one time. She didnt have outside help. The youngest went to work with her. She never moaned though.